He replies, "You're not the same as you were before. You were much more muchier. You've lost your muchness."

This is a brilliant discription for why we dispair. We long for a glimpse of ourselves before life turned upside down. For example, Before the affair, I was much more . . . trusting. I remember well, the bondage of this thought. It delayed healing and forgiveness for many years. I longed for a glimpse of myself before my heart split open wide. I was so preoccupied with reaching for what I used to be, that I neglected to reach for God in the reality of my today. I have since learned the hard way that we cannot overcome what we deny.

I had to get real with God: Before the affair, I was much more trusting, agreeable, generous, loving, hopeful, etc. Now, I'm too hurt and afraid to be anything but impatient, critical, stand-offish, lonely, angry, and confused. I can't find my smile. Who am I?

Confession is an art. The more specific we are, the more expansive and colorful our freedom will be. How about you? Have you lost your "muchness?"

Try it. Before [fill in the blank], I was much more [fill in the blank]. Confess. Only Christ Himself can restore your "muchness."

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For decades, I unknowingly gravitated toward people who were likely to reject me. Then one day I had a conversation with someone that marked the beginning of the end of my bizarre attraction to people that were likely to break my heart.

Her name is Suzanne. She was my sponsor at the time. I'd called her to complain about how my boyfriend had broken my heart . . . again. She listened for about ten minutes and then offered a few solutions. But I ignored her solutions and continued to talk about the problem. So, she interrupted me and said, "Let's talk later. You're clearly enjoying the problem."

"How can you be so insensitive?

"Wendy, I listened to you long enough to know what the problem is. I acknowledged your circumstances. I validated your pain. But you weren't open to my suggestions because your flesh loves the problem too much to let it go. That's your real problem. Call me when you're ready to do something different."

"Fine. Bye."

I hung up the phone, irritated. Deep down I knew she was right. But my thoughts went over and over my circumstances for the better part of the day, and gave my flesh more time to bask in the drama before calling her back.

Eventually, I called her back. And while I didn't gravitate toward solutions overnight, I did so gradually. By the end of that year, I'd learned something about myself that I couldn't see before.  

When I was abused, a spirit of rejection and worthlessness attached itself to me; as I grew in the physical realm--it grew in the spiritual. Everything with the capacity to grow needs nourishment. Not everything in my heart is good for me, but it remains a living force that seeks survival.

Have you heard the expression: Starve the flesh. Feed the spirit? Well, in order for the spirit of rejection to thrive, it must continue to experience betrayal and rejection. It has quite an appetite for unhealthy relationships. Never under estimate the power of this pull.

In Christ, I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37). Back then, I was more comfortable as a victim--it was predictable. I wanted the Savior to defeat the spirit of rejection, with no action required on my part, and then tell me about the battle over dinner. But Jesus wanted me to know who I am and what I am capable of in Him. He wanted to take me by the hand, walk me over to the bully's house, restore my dignity, and watch me get the ball back! Now, that makes for good dinner conversation.

In His presence, we must all die to self, but unlike Jesus, who suffered silently, our flesh resists the death of pride by refusing to get still and quiet and feel. Have you ever prayed to change and then acted worse for a season, or decided to break away from an unhealthy person only to feel more drawn to him/her? It's the great internal conflict we must overcome to be free.

When we seek to overcome to the exclusion of our own comfort, we are redeemed and restored. But in everything there is seed, time, and harvest. What we plant now will either choke out the harvest of despair from past hurt and rejection--or strengthen it.

Here's a practical example:

Years ago, I knew a man who got involved with an unhealthy woman who continually broke his heart. Each time he swore he would have nothing to do with, he called her, only to suffer more pain and more rejection. One day, after renewing his resolve to stay away from her, he created two signs. He hung one over his phone and one on his front door. They read: FOR MORE PAIN--CALL HER. FOR EVEN MORE PAIN--GO SEE HER.

The hard part is, not calling and not seeing her also caused him pain. But this type of pain (suffered with Jesus), eventually comes to an end. And that end comes with a reward: Freedom from the spirit of rejection.

If you're struggling to end an unhealthy relationship, I encourage you to feel your pain constructively.

"Sorrow is better than laughter, for by a sad countenance, the heart is made better" (Ecclesiastes 7: 3 NKJV).

Can you relate? Are you beginning to see that your spirit is strengthened in Christ when you recognize that betrayal and rejection feeds the very hurt you desire to overcome? Choose your relationships wisely. Just because you feel drawn to a certain person does not mean he/she is good for you.

You are not alone. Many women struggle daily just to function. I read your words with tears in my eyes. I know how it feels to be that weary and in the midst of loved ones who count on you each day.

I remember asking God for the strength to put my feet on the floor each morning. For the strength to wake my children and make breakfast. The emotional turmoil of my circumstances made it hard to breathe. I often asked God to breathe through me.

I was desperate. My prayers were desperate. Looking back, I realize that my desperate prayers were humble prayers. And God is faithful to lift the lowly in heart. I encourage you to remain in constant contact with Him. Ask for strength to accomplish the basic activities that people who are not hanging on by a thin thread take for granted. 

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My usual retort was, "Well, you weren't trying not to!" Ouch, right? I didn't read my Bible in those days and the truth is, neither one of us had a clue as to what love is and isn't, does and doesn't do.

Years later, I discovered that God maps it out very clearly for us in His word.

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I had the pleasure of hearing Josh and Katie Hamilton share a bit of their story. Josh plays professional baseball for the Texas Rangers, loves the Lord, and shared openly about his battle with drug addiction. I wouldn't classify myself as a baseball fan, so when I first heard that he was going to give his testimony, I yawned and imagined yet another person in a suit standing on a platform, sharing some elusive story about how bad life used to be before the grace of God made life wonderful--all of the time.

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I sat on a church pew, studying all the families through a steady stream of tears. My two oldest sons were visiting their father. I was alone with their toddler-half-brother. His father and I hadn't married. So, when we separated, I became a single single mother.

I drove past a nursery on the way home from the service. Something told me to turn around and buy a tree. I have no business buying a real tree when I have a free one in storage. But I turned around and bought one anyway. The nursery workers tied it to the top of my truck. And away we went. Mom, at 5'2", Pint- sized Toddler, and Tree; seven feet. 

Somehow I managed to get the tree in the house by myself. I placed it in one of those stands that requires screws and a few choice swear words. Definitely a two-person job, yet something held that tree upright for me. There was no way I could hold the trunk steady and straight as I tightened the screws. But it never once leaned or toppled over. I had never given much thought to whether or not angels are real. But after that day, I was convinced they exist.

I strung lights and then together, we hung ornaments and watched silly Christmas cartoons until bedtime.

Every night there after, I sipped hot tea and gazed upon our beautiful tree. Hope came packaged in the smell of fresh pine and the soft glow of tiny lights . . .  a gift from God. I have very few childhood memories of the holidays. God, whom I did not trust at the time, blessed me with a sweet memory; safe to open year after year.

Merry Christmas, stubborn child of God.

What about our children? My husband and I have three sons. Two are grown, leaving us with one bird in the nest. So, I hope no one with a nest full of birdies will be offended when I say: You cannot make your children love God. I repeat, you cannot make your children love God. Ideally, children will seek God and pray to God because Light shines through their parents in ways they cannot help but want for themselves. Yes, we are to teach them His ways, but in the end, they must choose for themselves.

I know a woman who forced her children to study the Bible. She spent years force-feeding them Christianity. By the time they were old enough to decide for themselves, they didn't want anything to do with Jesus. This was not a mean-spirited woman. She loved the Lord. She was just so desperate for her children to love the Lord that she crossed over into manipulation.

What about churches? Can a church fall into the trap of micro-managing its members? Read the words of Paula D'Arcy, author of Gift of the Redbird: "We are well practiced in seeking wisdom from the study of Scripture, which is of course also alive. 'In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God' (Gospel of John).  We are also comfortable seeking God in familiar forms of worship. We gather together, two or more, and honor the presence of Spirit in our midst. But too easily we begin imposing our considerable fears onto the Word and the gathering, wanting them to be controlled reflections of ourselves, rather than mighty expressions of God's power [empahsis added]. 

The Word and the gathering must be as expansive as the wilderness if we want to know their truths. Each of us in our own heart must face our nakedness. When we gather only with those of like mind, or we read only the words agreed upon by the particular authorities who make us feel secure, then we will find exactly what we sought, and nothing greater.

There is no such authority and no such safety in the wilderness. There is only God. There is your own name being called and your own response . . . "

I love her words! And I do not minimize the Christian imperative to walk under authority. But I'll admit, I wonder how often religious organizations groom members to become controlled expressions of the founding pastor's by-laws rather than nurture and release individuals to be the mighty expressions of the power GOD deposits in them.

If you're knee-deep in "how-to" classes in church, don't get your undies in a twist. I'm just wondering out loud: What if the Power Point's "how-to" isn't HOW God wants to work through YOU? You are free to imagine someone putting tape over my mouth, but if you're a sister in Christ, then classify me as yet another irritating family member whom you're genetically called to love. :)

Ask yourself: Do I recognize and respect the multiple expressions of God's love and power through others, or do I expect them to be controlled reflections of how His love and power flow through me? Am I attempting to control how God is expressed through someone else? Is someone else attempting to control me?

"For it is God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us" (2 Corinthians 4:6-7 NKJV).

This past weekend Hannah went on her first family camping trip. On the last day, my husband announced it was time to gently drop her off of the boat dock because "she needs to know she can swim."

"Are you crazy?" (I lost the battle.)

He dropped her into the water and just as I feared, she freaked out. She swam underneath the dock, placed both paws over a bar, and waited for her rescue. It took some coaxing, but my hubby finally got her to swim to dry land before dropping her off the dock again.

Each time it got easier. We clapped and cheered as she swam to us. Fifteen minutes later, Michael was throwing sticks out into the lake and she had embraced her inner-retriever. The transformation was amazing. Hannah Banana was doing what she was born to do--after all, her daddy was a rescue lab.

I couldn't help but think of the time I asked God who He created me to be. How frightening and exciting it was when He began to reveal the real me to me.

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I pull over. With no time to waste, I leave my new car parked and running, to chase after the little dog. Just before I get to him, he starts across the street in the midst of on-coming traffic.

I cover my eyes. Lord, I cannot watch this animal get hit by a car. One near miss is all I can stand. I run to the middle of the road, extend my right arm, and yell, "Stop!"

The dog makes it safely across the street. I follow him to a fenced yard and watch as he tries to find a way back in.

"Hello! Anyone? Hello! Anyone?"

The owner appears and thanks me profusely for rescuing his puppy. "Good-bye rescued puppy!"

As I walk back to my abandoned car, a neighbor passes by and stops. "Wendy, is that you? Is everything OK?"

"Yes, Brenda. I'm fine. I had to rescue a dog. I'm the idiot who left her car parked up the street."

My husband loves dogs, too, but marveled at the trembling and tears that accompanied my story. I have many. It's not unusual for me to call him fifteen minutes after I've left for work, with a request to report for duty. "I found him/her wondering the streets. I'm late for work! Feed the dog. Find the owner. Gotta go!"

The next day my husband came home and told me a story.

"You won't believe this, but I just passed a crazy lady standing in the middle of the road with her hand up, yelling, 'Stop! Sorry, I'm saving a turtle! I'm a turtle-lover!'" He then kissed his own crazy dog-lover lady on the cheek and smiled.

"A righteous man cares for the needs of his animals" (Proverbs 12:10).

I love that God sees me, you, lost puppies, and even turtles.  He cares. I know He cares  because He lives in me, and I most certainly care about you.

Your desire to rescue, nurture, save a life, or simply make someone's day easier, is evidence of God's heart toward all He created. What are you passionate about? Will you concede that God is passionate about it too?

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Arrangements were made for our son to go home with a friend after school. My plans to draw near to the Lord were in place. While preparing my son's lunch for the next day, I discovered we were out of bread.

"Zach, do you want to buy your lunch tomorrow?"

"I will, but the lines are so long it doesn't leave much time to eat. Will you have lunch with me? You could stop by Sonic."

I have two sons who no longer live at home. I know how fast children grow. So, I ditched my hotel plans and decided to draw near to the Lord from home, after our lunch date. The next day, as I drove to Sonic I saw that a precious cat had been hit by a car. It had happened in front of the mobile home park, a bus route for an elementary school. She didn't survive. Things like this rock my world. I love animals. I feel sad when squirrels die.

All I could think of was how that cat was someones pet. Most likely the pet of a child who would be stepping off a bus in just a few hours. I didn't want the children to be traumatized. And then I heard it--the still, small voice inside my heart: After lunch with Zach, go home and get the shovel. Bury the cat, and protect the children's hearts.

"What?! You want me to get the shovel? I can't do that. What about MY heart? I'll be traumatized for days. I love animals. You know this, God. You made me this way."

But it was too late. I was compelled. Compelled for a precious animal who deserved to be buried. Compelled for the hearts of elementary-school-aged children. 

I thought of the scripture posted on the homepage of my website. "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song [story] I will praise Him." (Psalm 28:7 NKJV)

"Okay, God. I know You wouldn't ask me to do something without giving me the strength to do it, but in this case, I need You to shield my heart, too, otherwise I'll cry all day. I absolutely cannot do this if You don't shield my heart."

I did it. I gave that sweet animal a proper burial, thanked God for the joy she'd brought her owners, and prayed for the ones who would grieve the loss of a family pet. I drove away and cried. I cried on and off for about thirty minutes and then resolved to do the grocery shopping. I was at peace. On the way home, I drove past the mobile home park, children were stepping off the bus.

I realized in that moment, I'd drawn near to God--He to me. Not in a hotel room; sipping hot tea and reading the Bible at my leisure, but on a busy street, with tears and sweat stinging my eyes; obedient--in spite of the pain.

When we face something painful with complete dependency on the Lord, we draw near to Him on a deeper level and He to us.

Deep calls unto deep. (Psalm 42:7)

How about you? Are you facing an opportunity to receive His strength and His shield? Trust Him.

Reflection:How often does God reach through me with a desire to shield another? How often do I listen and obey?

(from my archives)

Has your belief in the goodness of God superseded your fear of facing something painful? If it has, you're on the right track. Like Hannah, you will not be alone. God is touched by your willingness to remain by His side as you overcome.

Tell God how you feel each day. As you open your heart,  you'll see more and more evidence of the goodness of God. Give your belief in His goodness time to grow. And watch your fears subside.

It was important for me to let Hannah know I was pleased that she longed for my company in the midst of something scary in her world. Consider how much more God wants you to know how pleased He is with your willingness to seek freedom from what causes pain and fear in your world.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. (Psalm 139:23)

(from my archives) 

Fast forward: Trust in my loved one was growing. But honestly, my trust in the Lord regarding this person, was not. Now, I love, love, love, the Lord. BUT I didn't know how to reconcile His asking me to step out with how it affected me. I felt like the God of the universe had thrown me under the bus. (Don't worry, if comments like this were cause to be struck by lightening, I would have been reduced to a heap of ashes long ago.)

I couldn't stop thinking about how ripped off the whole incident made me feel. It was time to let it go, which means, it was time to get real with God.

I confessed my distrust in Him regarding this particular area in my life. And I quickly learned:

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I've never understood it. The last time he visited (five years ago?), he stayed less than twenty-four hours. Left town before the children woke. Later that day, I cried. Then I told myself that it didn't matter. Allowing it to matter would've prolonged the pain. And at the time, I simply didn't have the energy to spare. So I forgot about it.

Then last Saturday, as I waited by the register after ordering barbeque, a grey-haired gentlemen asked, "Have you been helped, Sweetie?"

"Yes Sir. I'm just waiting."

When I returned to my car, my eyes betrayed me with secret drops of disappointment. Sweetie. His tone had awakened ancient pain. My own father has never sad anything that endearing to me. Sure, we talk on the phone. He describes the weather and tells me of the chores he's completed. Then we say our I-love-you's and hang up.

I'm sad. Sad that my father has never addressed me as Sweetie or Honey. That he doesn't see me as the apple of his eye. I can't help but wonder. What would it be like to have a father interested in me . . . my children, my life?

I know God is "a father to the fatherless." That He judges righteously on my behalf. My heavenly Father is perfect. I thank Him everyday for being perfect. For creating perfectly. For forgiving perfectly. For His perfect love, in spite of imperfect me.

Still, the reality of me and my earthly dad, just plain hurts. And at my age, I know it will until it doesn't.

I also know that God is the one who brought this whole thing to my attention. He knew where I hurt and why I hurt. That I'd painted myself into a "spiritually mature corner" in an attempt to avoid the heart of the matter. And since my ministry encourages others to face the heart of matters, over and over, He calls me to "walk my talk."

So, it's time to write a letter. I'll mail it if God asks me to. It's been a while since I've felt this vulnerable regarding a relationship. One thing I know for certain--God is in control. God has my best interest at heart. By His grace, I've already overcome more than I ever thought possible. I can trust Him with this. I will.

I'd love to tell you that I allowed God to be my ONLY comfort over the weekend. But yesterday I spent three hours cleaning my pantry. Pretty glass jars. Organized rows of spices . . .  Martha Stewart's got nothing on my pantry.

This morning I asked God to forgive me for getting lost in my pantry yesterday when what I needed most was to be lost in Him. So, today I did both.

Progress, not perfection. Or as the Bible says, "from glory to glory." I'm forever God's girl.

Has God ever revealed hidden sadness in your heart? How did you react? Did you talk to Him about it? Did you find ways to comfort yourself? Perhaps a little of both?

Search me, God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24)

Then one day she called. And in the midst of inquiring what the other had been up to, she revealed the reason for her disappearance. Which turned out to be a long season of what I refer to as  high-maintenance-parenting: sleepless nights followed by stressful days filled with conversations that leave you too drained to remember your own name much less keep up good appearances. When a smile is too difficult to maintain, we Christians often withdrawal for fear that we might be seen hurting.

My friend struggled to reconcile a situation that had taken place in her family. She and her husband attended church, loved God and provided a good home for their children. But they were not immune to teenage rebellion . . . even as Christians. She told me of the night her son was arrested and of his return home. In spite of everything, rock bottom had not yet arrived, his verbal attacks on her resumed, and a gentle woman finally snapped. She hit him.

"How did this happen?" she asked. "We aren't violent people. Things like this don't happen in our home."

Tears of confusion, shame, and regret accompanied her confession. I empathized with her and felt compelled to confess a time when I lost control. 

My oldest son, Christopher, was hard to parent throughout high school. I did everything I could to keep him from smoking pot; to no avail. And he never denied smoking when I inquired.

"Yep, I'm high." He'd say.

He didn't care if I grounded him or took privileges away because the severity of cystic acne robbed him of a social life. He spent most of his time alone playing an acoustic guitar, and I often wondered how something so beautiful could pour out of someone so angry.

Eighteen was the toughest age of all. By then he'd mastered the pushing of every button I had. He wanted the freedom that accompanies adulthood but with none of the responsibilities. A combination that would soon lead to my emotional demise (at least for a moment). I don't remember what he said, but whatever it was, it invoked one of those, "this is my house" meltdowns. I charged into his room, stepped onto his bed, and began pulling posters off the wall.

In a flash, he stood nose to nose with me and after a few verbal exchanges I dare not repeat, I grabbed the collar of his shirt. I won't sugar coat it. I fully intended to separate my  firstborns head from his shoulders and ask God to heal him later!

The next thing I knew, my husband, Michael, was pulling me off of him. Hours later when we had all calmed down, I said to Michael, "Christopher would never hurt me. There was no need for you to intervene."

"I wasn't afraid HE was going to hurt YOU. I was afraid YOU were going to hurt HIM."

By the end of the story, my sweet friend's tears had turned into the type of inappropriate laughter that comes from pain coupled with pure exhaustion. Grace had gently placed her feet back on the road to human frailty by prompting me to confess something I preferred to keep to myself. 

No casualties to date in either family. God is still in control.

"...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus..." (Romans 3:23-24 NKJV). 

Q4U: Have you "lost it" with a loved one recently? Apologize. Ask God to forgive you. Amend your behavior. Move on.

Three years ago, I launched this website as a way of sharing with you, that which was freely given to me. Freely, meaning through God's grace and unfailing love. Not no-effort-on-my-part freely.

You can see by the category selections, I've experienced some hard hits. The kind that will keep you down your whole life if you don't grab hold of God with fierce determination to overcome. And that's what I've been writing about the last three years. Bu just as God faithfully transforms me, He transforms my messages.

I have a new message for you. God willing, it will be available in book format. God willing, it will be something I can share with you in public speaking venues. (Perhaps we can finally meet face to face!) So, I must do my part: The book proposal is written. Now it's time to practice the teaching, based on the book. The title? HOW TO FORGIVE WHAT YOU'LL NEVER FORGET

I won't bore you with the details of the long journey to publication, but I will tell you that it requires a woman with a day job, a family to care for, and an outreach for women, to be intentional with her time. After much prayer, I realize now that somethings gotta give.

That something for now is blogging. I'd like to blog once a week, but I can't promise. If you'll go to my home page, you can sign up on my e-list and I'll notify you when I do blog. This is a good way to let you know I'm still alive and kickin as I prepare to offer you a resource that I believe will bridge the gap between the Christian commandment to forgive and the all-too-human desire for apology, restitution, and revenge. Most of us, at one time or another, struggle to forgive.

So, here I sit, about to commit social media suicide. Trusting God to raise me from the dead when the time is right.

I WILL NOT CEASE PRAYING FOR YOU. I-pray-for-you. As you check back here and there, you'll notice that my website is undergoing changes, too. But the category selections will remain. I encourage you to take some time and read the older posts.

Thanks for understanding. 

I listen in my closet. I bow. I speak. I pray. I commune with God in ways I cannot in public places. No make-up. No mouth wash. No accessories, cool outfits, or flat-ironed hair. No smiling when I feel like crying. It's just me and the God of the universe. Holy ground. Me, God, and my dirty laundry.

My closet is where I hear Him best. It's where I began to heal despite the fact that I didn't have insurance or thousands of dollars to spend on therapy. I reached up and subsequently, God gave me an unquenchable desire to reach out to you. It's not something I can neglect and continue to serve you humbly and effectively. So, I'm taking a week off to Pow Wow with God. (I'm part Cherokee.)

This week would be a good time to cruise the categories on this page and also the daily dose. I'll be back next Tuesday! Though I will not be writing, I WILL be praying for you.

Do you have a special place or routine that fosters a more intimate connection with God? Where? What? Have you gotten away from it? If yes, take this week to spend more time reaching up.

I'm currently reading The 21 Indispensable Qualities Of A Leader: Becoming the Person Others Will Want to Follow. If you're wondering how a book like this can help you if you're up to your chin in dysfunction, I'll explain.

• Single mothers. You are your children's leader. As they grow, they will most likely follow in your footsteps. What steps do they see you take? Are you learning? Growing? Do you acknowledge your mistakes and then make an effort not to repeat them? None of us are perfect. I've shared many of the mistakes I've made with my own children. And for a period of time, I grieved as I watched them repeat them. But I continued to learn and grow. And guess what? I inspired them to do the same.

• Survivors of sexual abuse. We can and do heal. It takes time--and lots of it. It requires perseverance--which you already have in abundance. As you heal, you will lead your children out and away from a victim mentality. If your family has a history of abusive relatives, you can be the one to put an end to this generational curse.

• Frustrated wives.You can commit to living honorably regardless of your circumstances. (I do not suggest becoming a doormat.) But I've learned that when I respond honorably and take the time to research the wisest course of action, God empowers me to have a healthier influence with my husband and children.
  An old friend of mine, whom I met in a twelve-step program, once told me that when his wife began to have sane and sound reactions to his insanity, he could no longer blame her for his behavior. He could only see himself, and he didn't like what he saw. Ladies, you can take this to the bank. Simple. Not easy.

• Mothers with rebellious teens. After years of fighting with my oldest son, I finally learned that when I maintained integrity throughout highly emotional conversations, he always apologized for his behavior the next day.
  Eventually, he grew tired of apologizing. Embarrassed by his behavior, he made an effort to mimic my patterns of conflict-resolution. He followed me out of dysfunctional conflict.

This is not a book you should read straight through over a short period of time. Take time to reflect on each quality. Confess to God where you fall short and ask Him for help. Thank Him for the areas where you are strong. Healing requires an honest inventory of our strengths and weaknesses.

If your heart is broken, if you're overwhelmed with pain and confusion, I'm no stranger to the causes of despair. Acquire professional help if you need it. Keep in constant contact with God. Meditate on a few Scriptures that give you hope. Continue reading these blogs. And character build. God has good plans for you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29: 11). In the end, your character will determine how you handle all the good that comes your way.

P.S. Progress, not perfection.

Even Dr. Seuss says life is a great balancing act. Sometimes I'm in the zone. Balanced. But my life is not balanced 100% of the time. It simply isn't.

Patsy Clairmont, a Women of Faith speaker, recently said that whenever she finds herself swinging on a pendulum, she can rest assured that God is right there in the middle. "I know this because I pass Him as I swing from one extreme to another. I always wave and say, 'Hi God!'"

I love her. She makes me think. She makes me cry. She makes me laugh. She reminds me that I'm human. And most importantly, she reminds me of Jesus. In His company, I'm always relieved that I don't have to be on my "best behavior."

Are you balanced today? Swinging on a pendulum from one extreme to another? You can rest assured that God is in the middle of it all. And He loves you just the way you are.

One woman asked, "Will I always struggle with my addiction?"

Patsy Clairmont's answer took me by surprise. I wish I could remember what she said word for word, because it wasn't what I describe as a "typical ministry answer." "Typical ministry answers," in my opinion, don't allow for the all-too-human varying degrees of healing. It can take years for a person to "get to the root of an addiction" and years to "take the axe to the root of it." Sadly, we as a church, tend to showcase ONLY the testimonies of those who've healed quickly, never to drink or use drugs again.

What about the larger percentage of people who don't overcome their addictions in a single prayer-filled bound? Their stories are no less relevant for the cause of Christ. If you've invited Him into your story--your story is relevant.

Relapses are a reality. We must be careful not to minimize the redemptive work in a recovering person's heart. This is where Patsy's answer comes into to play:

"Sometimes healing from addiction takes a long time. If you can, try to at least upgrade your addiction." (The American Airlines Center filled with laughter!)

Then she shared a story about a loved one who once drank booze all day long. When he finally stopped drinking booze, he switched to diet Pepsi. She said he drank it by the gallons. But Pepsi never got him drunk, so it was an improvement. He'd upgraded his addiction. 

I love this! My beloved husband, who's been drug and alcohol free for years now, still leans toward an addictive personality. Thankfully, now it's exercise, healthy food choices, and being a great leader and husband. I never thought in a million years, I'd say to him, "Can we please not talk about body fat percentages until I've had my coffee?!"

The Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous tells a story about a man who drank for years. When he got sober, he drank coffee by the gallon and chain smoked. His wife made a big deal about this not being good for him, and when he'd had all he could stand of her lectures, he got drunk. He re-established his sobriety date and of course, took responsibility for his relapse. (No one MAKES anyone drink.) But his wife lightened up after that, appreciated how far he'd come and gave him space to be himself as God continued to work mightily in his heart (and his family.)

My point is, I bet the woman who asked that question felt like a failure because she still struggled with her addiction. Patsy ministered to her right where she was. When humor and human reality intersect with hope in Christ, we give others room to breath.

How about you? If you struggle with an addiction, do you beat yourself up for not healing as fast as others? Perhaps you have a loved one who's on the journey to recovery and healing. Do you pressure them to walk a line that overwhelms them, and is therefore, counterproductive to sobriety?

A tip for you, based on personal experience: If there are measurable milestones that confirm a loved ones progress, put your measuring stick away and repeat after me: Progress, not perfection.

There was a time in my life when I hurt myself, a lot. I gravitated toward people who hurt me, a lot. I participated in a twelve-step program at the time and my sponsor would say, "Wendy, if you go looking for pain, you'll find it every time."

She was right. In the thick of co-dependency, I checked my boyfriends pockets daily. I was a snooper on steroids. It didn't occur to me that by snooping, I was looking for pain. I was blind to the reality that my willingness to be romantically involved with someone entangled in addiction, was me choosing to hurt myself.

I've experienced every imaginable stage of looking for pain and hurting oneself. Therefore, I'm familiar with the varying degrees of offense this can stir up in someone whose not ready to consider this reality. If you're not ready, you're not ready. I won't push.

If you ARE ready to consider this reality, then you my friend, are readier than you know for what it takes to heal. Which is to do something--anything, different. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." --Albert Einstein or Ben Franklin (it's debatable.)

What are you willing to do differently today? Pick ONE thing. Here are a few suggestions:

• Seek counseling.
• Refuse to feed the monster of co-dependency (no more snooping) You're either willing to live with an addict or not. If you are, then you are not a victim. You're signing up for all the destruction that it brings into your life. If you're not, then DON'T. Separate, and then re-visit being together when Addiction is no longer lord over your loved one.
• Exercise. It relieves stress.
• Do something that nurtures You. Eat healthy. Pray. Set aside five minutes each day to just breath deeply.

This may be hard to believe, but big change comes from the small changes we make along the way. As you begin to value yourself more, your decision making will become healthier for you and your loved ones.

In John 5:6 Jesus asked a crippled man, "Do you want to be made well?"

Jesus' reply to the mans, "yes," was "Rise, take up your bed and walk."

Walk. Take baby steps if you must, but walk. One day at a time. One step at a time. And when you are made well, you'll inspire others to do the same.

Question: What behavior or action do you repeat over and over, as you expect different results?

After a while, I got angry. So I told God I was angry. With others. With Him. Later, I felt sad. So I told God how sad I was. Sad that I'd been hurt so badly. Sad that He allowed it. With every confession I became increasingly aware of how comforting He is.

I began to look forward to my time with God. I needed it. I sensed that I was changing on the inside, though I couldn't identify how, which freed me from trying to control the process. And then one day, in the presence of Unfailing, Unconditional Love, my eyes were opened to my destructive re-actions to abuse and betrayal. How I treated the ones I loved the most. How I treated myself. I didn't like what I saw. So I did what I'd been doing all along. I told God. I confessed. Then I asked Him to forgive me. And He did.

Not long afterwards, God prompted me to forgive the people who'd hurt me. For the first time in my life, I had it to give. It felt good to forgive. Healing and forgiveness is an "inside job." I think too many people begin on the outside. That never worked for me. Pointing a finger, telling everyone but God, what so and so did to hurt me--how I feel about them. It only muddied the water in my own heart. A heart that held a well of pain as deep as betrayal and wide as abuse. 

God sent His Son to save us AND heal us. Jesus is very interested in healing us on the inside. In Matthew 23:26, He tells us to "first cleanse the inside of the cup and dish, that the outside of them may be made clean." And that's how it worked (and still works) for me.

Counselors are wonderful. I went to counseling, too. But be mindful not to join the drowning--who only describe the water--over, and over, and over.

When we commit to spending time alone with God and invite His presence into our pain, Living Water pours into the muddied waters of our hearts. Over time, the water becomes clear and we see our own need for forgiveness. That's how we heal from the inside. And that's how we forgive from our hearts.

Are you ready to begin? All you have to do in the beginning is show up. From there, simply respond to Him. You can't screw it up.

"I think every conscious person, every person who is awake to the functioning principles within his reality, has a moment where he stops blaming the problems in the world on group think, on humanity and authority, and starts to face himself. I hate this more than anything. This is the hardest principle within Christian spirituality for me to deal with. The problem is not out there; the problem is the needy beast of a thing that lives in my chest." [end excerpt]

We visit. We laugh. He sings as he plays a song on his guitar. I smile the same proud smile I smiled when he sang in his Mothers Day Out programs.

I'm proud of my son. At noon, I give my son, who I'm proud of, a ride home. He lives about twenty five minutes from me. And just as we were turning into the driveway, I sensed God asking How would you react if he forgot his keys?

Well, guess what? Yep. He forgot his keys and his wallet. SO, back to the house we go. He apologized profusely. Offered to buy me lunch. "It's okay sweetie. It happens. No worries."

What can you do, right? A display of anger or disappointment won't get me there and back any faster. It would only hurt him. When I was younger, I would've shown my frustration. Robbed him of sweet memories of fellowship with his mother. By the grace of God, I don't have to vent over minor inconveniences.

I've been asking God a lot lately to reveal more of the grace in my heart. It's in there. Jesus is in there. So there must be a lot of it. Our travel time came to about two hours when all was said and done. Two hours of laughing and talking with a son who hated me throughout his teen years. (Much of his anger was justified.) 

It's never too late to improve how we relate to the ones we love. Do they feel good about themselves after spending time with us? Or do they leave feeling like a disappointment to us?

I'm just sayin'.

It's 7:30 PM. Tuesday. The day I'm supposed to blog something helpful. Insightful. Trouble is, I can barely keep my eyes open. I ask for grace. I'm off to bed, trusting that tomorrow I'll feel better. That tomorrow, by the grace of God, I'll be a source of encouragement for you. But know that I prayed for you today.

I pray for you regularly, though I don't know your name. I wonder what your name is. Whether or not you're married. Married with children. Healing. Frustrated. Trusting God with outcomes. Trusting God with your heart.

I wonder. I pray.

I did my best to believe. But all I felt was overwhelmed. All I saw was opposition. How could I prioritize a life that resembled a sink full of dirty dishes?

I didn't give up. I read this scripture daily. I memorized it; spoke it aloud throughout the day. When I couldn't sleep, I meditated on it. I struggle to explain how this worked. I only know that somewhere along the line I awakened to the counsel and instruction of God. The dishes in the sink and the memories of my childhood no longer overwhelmed me. God watched over me.

It took time. The building of ones faith doesn't happen over night. Have you chosen a scripture that speaks to the deepest need in your life today? Ask God for one. He knows what you have need of. It'll either "jump off the page" when you're reading the Bible or resonate in your heart when you hear it.

When this happens, receive it. Pray it. Speak it. Meditate on it. Proclaim that the Word of God is alive and active in your heart AND your day.

Then don't let go. Hold fast to the Word of God, for it holds you, too.

I go to work. I receive payment. I tithe, pay bills, fund the savings account, and make plans to do something fun with what remains. And then I forget . . . I control nothing. I forget because visible provision makes me feel so in control. Awe, the grand illusion. I love the illusion.

It's easy to "cast your care upon the Lord" when provision shines high in the sky. And then comes a financial overcast. My sure-to-be-solid trust in God is tested under this overcast. In the absence of sun-shiny-provision, the doubts in my heart are exposed--pouty children with a sense of entitlement.

I confess. I confess because the tender mercies of a loving Father compel me to tell the truth. I tell. He listens. I cry. He comforts. I wait (longer than I'd prefer), and He commands provision to shine brightly once again.

I feel badly about the times I can't offer Him 100% trust. He is, after all, worthy. I thank Him for loving me regardless. I thank Him for loving me enough to cloud the traditional ways my needs are met, just long enough to remind me that He is Provider. He is God, and I am not.

"Those who revere You will be glad when they see me, because I have hoped in Your word. I know, O Lord, that Your judgements are right, and that in faithfulness You have afflicted me. Let, I pray, Your merciful kindness be for my comfort. According to Your servant. Let Your tender mercies come to me, that I may live. For Your law is my delight." (Psalm 119:74 NKJV)

What are you weathering in life today? Is provision shining brightly? Or are are you experiencing an overcast? I've experienced both more times than I can count. He's always been faithful to me. I have no reason to doubt Him, and yet there are times when I do. If you can relate, tell Him how you feel. One of the most liberating prayers we can pray is, "I believe Lord. Help me with my unbelief." (Mark 9:24)

Disclaimer: If you spend more than you make on wants, as opposed to needs, you're lesson, most likely, is one of discipline. I highly recommend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. If you're responsible with money and are experiencing a sudden drop in income; evaluate your feelings about it and God, then listen for what He wills you to do next--if anything, but trust Him as best you can.

Christopher was not an easy child to raise. God knows of the challenges he faced growing up in the midst of family dysfunction, but his temper took it to another level altogether. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. We arrived, and I fled to the restroom for a small reprieve from his rebellious attitude. I looked into the mirror and whispered to a desperate woman, "Don't cry."

The meeting went well. Papers were signed. Christopher would finish out the day and begin a new school the next. I cried all the way home. Once inside the house, I turned the radio on; "Be Still and Know" was playing.

I was too broken and exhausted to be angry. My knees buckled, and I sat on the floor, slumped in a puddle of tears. Me and my pain, humbly positioned to receive peace that surpasses all understanding.

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is holy
Be still, O restless heart of mine
Bow before the Prince of peace
Let the noise and clamor cease

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is faithful
Consider all that He has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that He will never change
Be still

Be still, and know that He is God
Be still, and know that He is God
Be still, and know that He is God

Be still; Be speechless

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is our Father
Come rest your head upon His chest
Listen to the rhythm of His unfailing heart of love
Beating for His little ones
Calling each of us to come
Be still, Be still

I didn't stand to my feet that day, with all the answers. Rather, I stood with what I needed most: validation, comfort, and peace. It took time for our family to change. But change, we did.

At age twenty-four, Christopher is a son who loves his mother. We're honoring to one another. 

We made it after all.

Are you exhausted? Broken? God gives peace freely to those who come to Him.

Dear Anonymous,

That's a tough question. And tough questions rarely have easy answers. If I were sitting across a table from you at Starbucks, I'd ask how you met him, how long you've been a single mother, and whether or not your ex-husband battles addiction.

Since I don't have answers to these questions, I encourage you to consider three very important aspects:

1. the effects a relapse would have on you and your children
2. the reality of the long road to recovery
3. the potential financial hardship

Read more

Read more

Even when marriage partners decide to work it out and stay together, it's tempting to give up during moments of despair. And I'll be honest, there will be moments of despair.

If you can relate, let me first say, "I'm so very sorry for what you're going through." If you and your spouse have decided to work it out, I encourage you to down shift and accept the fact that healing takes time--and lots of it. There will be moments when you're up and he's down, followed by hours when he's down and you're up. Days when you're both optimistic; convinced that you're finally "over it", followed by weeks when you're both down and one of you is tempted to believe that the only way to restore your soul is to bury your spouse in the backyard while you can still plead insanity!

And through it all, the Creator of the universe, hovers over the darkness, waiting for you to confess everything you think and feel. Humble confessions are the mark of authentic healing. But I tell you, healing of this sort takes time.

"It takes time" is hard to swallow when all in the world you want to feel is good again. You'll get there a lot quicker if you don't tell yourself that good Christians shouldn't have destructive, angry thoughts. The truth is, we're not supposed to meditate on them. 2 Corinthians 10:5 tells us to "take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ." That's why it's so important to talk to God about everything.

The enemy wants you to believe that the thoughts he interjects are yours in spirit. That's how he puts up road blocks to confession. He knows you cannot forgive what you attempt to guard or heal in our own strength. Do you?

My friend tells me everything. "This is how I feel. This is what I think. These are the names I call my spouse in my mind. I love my spouse, I want my marriage to heal. I hate my spouse, I want a divorce!"

"Do you talk to God the way you talk to me?" I asked.

"I can't! I shouldn't have these thoughts, I'm a Christian. I'm supposed to forgive. I just keep asking God to heal my marriage."

"I see. But you do have these thoughts.Who cares whether or not you should. Stop showing up for prayer, dressed in your "emotional Sunday best." Confess your thoughts and sinful re-actions to the careless sin of another. Christ will forgive you, and that will pave the way for more healing and forgiveness than you can imagine.

Go cry the ugly cry. Confess the ugly circumstances, the ugly thoughts, and the ugly reactions--in the event that you've lost your temper, broken things, or let a few F-bombs fly. (I've been there and done it all. It only makes a bad situation worse.)

Practical solution: Show up before God and tell the truth-- again and again; every time "ugly" rises up, bow at the feet of Beauty. We cannot overcome what we deny." Counseling is a good idea, but couple it with intimate confession, or you'll run the risk of inching God right out of Christian counseling.

For how long? For as long as it takes. Confession bridges the gap between the Christian commandment to forgive and your very human, very instinctual desire for apology, restitution, and revenge.

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit." (Psalm 34:18 NKJV).

What's happened to you matters to God.

As a result of child abuse, I'd developed a controlling and critical attitude--my way of coping with the sense of powerlessness that continued into adulthood. Healing required me to recognize it, confess it, and adopt a new mind-set.  

Simple, but not easy. You have to want it badly. You have to continue in that trajectory when you feel like giving up. It takes time. I had to be willing to consider my reactions to the people around me--my reactions were broken.

But there's two sides to this coin of reaction to abuse. A friend comments:

"Been down this road. Have the scars and the smiles to prove it. Dysfunction finds its own. The first ten years of my marriage were the WORST. The last nearly ten have gradually improved for us both. God is so good!

Learning to hold my tongue was the opposite of my problem. My husband was the belittler and quick to point out real or perceived slights. I had to trust God for the courage to speak up in honesty, and not back down about the abuse in my marriage.

It was the hardest thing I ever did, but gradually I got better at it. God honored the honesty without rancor. My husband is a different man, in large part because I opened my mouth.

I realize I'm different from most women in this respect. I see it all the time, passive anger, the criticism in public. It's so painful. My problem was no less deadly to my marriage, though."

Healing required me to close my mouth. My friend's healing required her to open her mouth. We both had to recoginize it, confess it, and adopt a new mind-set. God acted on our behalf.

No matter the side of the coin you're on, you can heal. Let God heal you on the inside and you'll be amazed at what will change on the outside.

*Special note: If you are currently in an abusive relationship, if you or your children are in physical danger, this blog is not a call to "stay put and pray." Get to a safe place as quickly as possible.

The National Hotline for Domestic Violence:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or www.thehotline.org

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline:

1-800-4-A-CHILD or www.childhelp.org

So, this is the second time part two must be post-poned. Meet me back here next Tuesday. No, really.

Meet me here next Tuesday and I'll have part two for you. Meanwhile, I've updated the daily dose. Back to bed . . . before my husband finds me in the office! Bless you, sweet friends.

What, you may ask, does this have to do with women who've been abused or betrayed? (The purpose of this blog) Trust me; more than you know. All that I share, I share from personal experience. Be patient, by the end of this exercise, you'll be able to tell me.

Today, I have a few brief questions for you. Please prayerfully consider each one, then meet me back here next Tuesday with your answers.

1. Do you criticize your husband over the quality of completed household chores or re-do them to satisfy your own standards?

2. Do you control all of the money and/or attempt to keep him in the dark about your finances?

3. Do you complain to your husband as if he were a child? EX. How many times do I have to tell you to put your dishes in the dishwasher?

4. Do you belittle him with your words or joke at his expense in front of others?

Don't bail on me. I understand that many of you were abused and would tell me that HE was the one who did these things to you. But I've found that many abused women (present company included) develop very co-dependent and controlling attitudes toward men--for fear of succumbing to the feelings of powerlessness that rage within. When we inventory our behavior before God, He blesses us with the truth--the truth that sets us free. So, I encourage you to use these questions as a spring-board for intimate conversations with God and another person who's further along in the healing process than you are.

After confiding in a friend this morning, I opened my bible to Ecclesiastes 6:3. Sorrow is better than laughter, For by a sad countenance the heart is made better. This doesn't mean that there is no value in laughter. (Proverbs 13 says laughter is good medicine.) This simply means that sooner or later, life presents circumstances that call forth ancient pain. The type of pain we spend years trying to silence with our perpetual "I'm fines" and propensity toward immediate gratification. Today is an opportunity for my son to be made better through grieving. Today is a day for my heart to be made better as I grieve for him.

Verse 4 goes on to say, the heart of the wise is in the house of mourning. I suppose today, we are a house of mourning. Thankfully, I know that for every tear we cry, we will reap joy.

Where is your heart positioned today? Is it time to cry or time to laugh? To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: . . .  A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance . . .

There are so many out there. How do you pick a "good" one? I mean no disrespect toward anyone who has done the hard work of achieving a degree, but someone who practices medicine once said to me, "Honey, they didn't all graduate at the top of their class. Ask a lot of questions."

What's a woman to do? It's a good idea to create a list of what is important to you in a counselor or therapist. For me, it's important to be treated with dignity, and to be held accountable for my actions between sessions. I want someone who will tell me the truth in love, listening up to a point, but who will not allow me free reign to manipulate/dominate our conversations.)

Other traits to consider may be that they share the same faith and/or they have personal experience with what your're personally experiencing. (Degrees are wonderful, but don't be trapped into thinking that if you do not have the means to pay for a counselor, that God will delay your healing process.)

You'll also want to consider the costs and search for someone who will work within your budget. Do they file insurance? Do you have insurance? What are your options if you don't?

Most importantly, a counselor's suggestions should always be honoring. A counselor once commended me when I told her I'd been physically intimate with someone and that it didn't mean anything. She pointed out that I was getting my power back. Wrong, wrong, wrong. And she was a professional with a degree. I will not invest in that kind of counsel, and neither should you.

It requires some research on your part. And should you begin counseling and discover that person is not a good fit for you, keep looking. Don't give up. The "good" ones are out there. No matter your circumstances, the God of all comfort is always on your side.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. (Corinthians 1:3-4 NKJV)

There you have it. Your counselor (whether a professional with a degree or someone with valuable personal experience), should be able to offer you the comfort they have received from God. 

What traits are important to you in a counselor?

Was she crazy? I wanted to talk about how OTHER people treated me. What does how I treat myself have to do with healing? Her next question answered my question before I could ask it out loud:

"If the broken parts of you transformed into a little girl, how would say you treat her? Describe this in a journal and then read it to me next week."

As I wrote, it became apparent that I did not take good care of myself. I denied myself water when I was thirsty. I put off bathroom breaks, food, and rest, until I had completed the task at hand. During leisure time, I watched television shows about abuse that merely exploited survivors and perpetuated the fear that the damage of abuse cannot be redeemed. (And yes, I include Oprah in this category. Another blog for another time.)

Without realizing it, I'd taken on the role of passive abuser--by way of neglect, long after the active-abuse had ended. I wouldn't think of neglecting a child, and yet I denied myself many basic human needs. I determined to take baby steps toward gaining strength and dignity. Here there are, Dignity 101:

1. Nourish your body. Do not skip meals. Schedule a time to eat something healthy.
2. Drink water regularly. Keep a bottle of water on hand. (The rule of thumb for water is: one half of your body weight in ounces per day).
3. Gotta go? GO.
4. Honor bedtime. Allow yourself 6-8 hours of sleep. What doesn't get done today, can be completed tomorrow.

Simple, but not easy. Try it. And be ready to journal the vast array of emotions that will arise. Physically caring for yourself will have a tremendous impact on your emotional and spiritual well-being. Repeat after me: I'm worth it.

I encourage you to take a quick inventory of how you treat yourself each day. And then ask yourself: If I were caring for a little girl, would that child flourish under my under supervision? Do I meet her needs or do I neglect her? If you don't like your answers, simply ask God for the strength and grace to take better care of yourself. And then, put a practical plan on paper.

Next Tuesday, we'll talk about what to look for in a good counselor. May the Lord direct your steps today and everyday. And remember, every step you take in a healthy direction, is a step toward more freedom than you can imagine. It's yours, so get moving.

If you've spent your life running from a painful past, this is probably the last thing you want brought to your attention, but I agree with Mr. Thurber. In retrospect, it's clear that the more energy I spent avoiding my past, the more bound to it I became.

Go ahead, look back. God is with you and He won't leave you there forever. You'll be there just long enough to discover how truly beloved you are in His eyes. When you awaken to this truth, you will no longer be powerless. You are safe with the God who makes all things new.

The more I read the Bible, the more I recognize God's heart toward women. He cherishes us and wants to empower us to make a difference in the world. It saddens me to think of all the times I projected onto a loving God, the motives of what broken men did to harm me.

Healing from sexual abuse is a process that cannot be manipulated my man. Maintain steady communication with God. Keep your eyes on Him and you will come to know and believe the Savior. Stop running. Come face to face with from, and to, and why. If it helps you to know, initially I did not look back with a graceful countenance. I kicked, I screamed, I swore, I abused alcohol .  . all the things the church of my youth warned me against--but Jesus didn't take offense. He didn't condemn me. He saw my broken heart. He understood why I behaved that way, and His love made me better.

And one day I looked in the mirror and no longer saw a victim. I saw the reflection of a woman who'd been to hell and back, with no outward signs of hell. I saw strength and redemption. I saw a woman with a testimony so powerful that it could encourage other women to face their pasts. Through Christ, I am empowered. Through Christ, you are empowered.

When we refuse to face our pasts, we refuse to walk through the very door that will bring us through and compel us to live forward.

What do you run from? Will you face it to move forward and finally be free?

In keeping with the context of this scripture, we must be willing to think outside of just ourselves. As Christians, our choices should edify the body of Christ. As wives, our choices should edify us, our spouses, and our families. But how does this unfold in everyday life?

For me, it means that when opportunities arise, I must consider how my repsonses to those opportunities will effect others. I recently received an invitation to a party. It sounds like fun. And I could use some fun. But the reality is, between preparing for a writer's conference, caring for a sick child, updating my website, creating a One Sheet for my CPA, and giving my best in my day job as a Clinical Massage Therapist, I'm physically exhausted.

What would benefit me the most right now is physical rest. While attending a fun party sounds . . . well, fun, the truth is, I don't have the physical energy. So, though it's permissible, it would not be beneficial. An exhausted woman is no good to anyone. Not her husband, not her family, and not the women she is passionate about encouraging everyday. So, after careful consideration of my party invitation; regrets it is.

If I were simply emotionally exhausted, it would better benefit me, my husband, my family, and you, precious readers, to attend a fun party and re-charge. And that's how it works for me.

How about you? Do you pause to consider if what you're considering, though permissible, is beneficial?

I need to leave in five minutes or I'll be late. It's cold and rainy. Never mind that just a few days ago it was 85 degrees outside. I thought Texas got the "it's spring" memo. I look out the window and see that my precious husband forgot to return my fabric-covered Old Hickory bench to our covered patio. (He had previously propped it up against the side of our house to climb on the roof after locking himself out. The upstairs media room window was unlocked.)

Gentle readers, before I tell you about my dental experience, I must first confess that I totally blew my "Christian witness" by losing my temper before I left the house. (Thank God my husband is a Christian.) I am in possession of a gently used $1,200.00 Old Hickory bench, purchased for the bargain price of $20.00. (A hotel was renovating and going for a different look.) So, I got a considerable "bargain high" from the purchase of that bench. I look out the window and there it is--soaking wet in the rain and in the mud. I'm Cherokee Indian, my home is best described as: Pocahontas shops Anthropologie and Pottery Barn, then builds lodge in Colorado. (If I ever figure out how to upload a picture of this, I will.)

Back to my story: My nerves are shot over my pending date with the dentist . . . a very handsome dentist, I might add. (Don't read more into this than just the fact that he is extremely attractive. I'm a happily married woman to a man whom I consider to be my better half.) HOWEVER, I think there should be a law against a handsome man shining a bright light onto your face and up your nose, revealing every facial defect a 40+ woman can have. I actually shined a flash light up my nose that morning, just to make sure there were no "bears in the cave." (My husband finds me hilarious.)

No really, back to my story:

I'm relaxed. Really. Though I've just presented a colorful expression to my better half about how agitated and disappointed I am that he left my Old Hickory bench in the rain and mud. (Which is my grown-up way of confessing that I later asked God to forgive me for my unsavory word choices.) Yes, people, I used swear words. A woman in ministry--who loves Jesus with all her heart . . . lost her temper and swore.

In spite of the morning's rough start, I arriv on time. By then, I feel relaxed. I'm in the chair; bright light on face, tooth is numb . . . all is well. Drilling begins and I feel it. I motion with my hand and he stops.

"Is everything okay, Wendy?"

"I feel it. Pain."

He pokes and prods a little more and concludes that my tooth is not completely asleep. The solution: another injection of Novocaine--resume drilling.

Houston, we have a problem. Part of my throat is numb. I can't feel air going down my throat and I can't feel myself swallow. Which communicates to my body that I am being smothered.

He stops and lets me sit up for a minute. "Do you battle anxiety attacks?"

"No. I just feel cold. My teeth are starting to chatter."

"Would you like a blanket?"

"Yes, please."

Then it hits. My entire body is shaking. I don't feel nervous. My chest isn't pounding. It doesn't feel like an anxiety attack. It feels like a rush of adrenaline throughout my body.
This is crazy. I pray and I pray and I pray. It lasts about fifteen minutes and then I feel peaceful.

My dentist and his assistant are wonderful. They're kind and very patient. He resumes the work that needs to be done and I feel relaxed the remainder of the time.

I get home and take a warm bath. As I dry off, I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I cry. I think about what happened; wonder why it happened. And then for the first time in my life, I remember: I didn't always dissociate in order to comply with the sexual abuse I endured as a child. As I got older, I resisted. When my throat became numb due to the Novocaine, my body remembered feeling smothered.

Poor little body. Poor young girl. Once I make the connection, I pamper myself. I climb into bed. I read. I nap. I pray. When my husband comes home, I tell him what happened. I simply ask him to hold me, and he does. No long conversations. Just me in comfy pajamas, in my husband's arms, with my two dogs spooned up beside us. I sleep.

Today is my youngest son's 12th birthday! We're going out to dinner when I get off of work as a clinical massage therapist. Today I will work on two survivors of breast cancer; in pain from the medication they must take. It's an honor. It's an honor to receive help when I need it, and it's an honor to give to others in need.

What happened to me yesterday, hurt. But it didn't steal my identify in Christ and it didn't minimize or negate the healing I have previously received. I know who I am. I don't handle everything perfectly. But I keep the lines of communication open to God. And honestly, it's been years since I've had to face a memory like yesterday's. But if what I experienced, painful as it was, expands my freedom and makes me more effective in helping you, then I thank God for the trials I face. Bless you. You are not alone.

Sorrows is better than laughter, For by a sad countenance the heart is made better. (Ecclesiastes 7:3)

 Today, there is much to celebrate!

Today, I address the other side of the "drinking coin." Drinking to feel. This was big for me. I remember well, the struggle to experience grief as I attended therapy for survivors of sexual abuse. I couldn't cry; couldn't grieve. Even as I abstained from alcohol, I was numb.

And one evening after group therapy, after all the reality I could stand, I drove to the liquor store. I drank, and for the first time in a long time, I felt. I felt overwhelming sadness. Ancient tears streamed down my cheeks and with those tears came relief. It felt good to cry. The only problem was, I couldn't cry without alcohol. I was incapable of letting my guard down without a few drinks.

I did what I always encourage you to do. I told God everything. Over and over, until one day I realized that I didn't need alcohol to cry anymore. It was safe to feel sad in the presence of a God who never once judged me or told me to go away and come back when I didn't smell of vodka.

He loved me then, just as I was. He loves me now, just as I am. I focused on Him and sought after Him with all my fears and all my flaws. He made me whole. He awakened me to how wonderful it is to feel angry or sad or embarrassed and it not be attached to the memories of abuse. He freed me to feel. He transformed me into a whole human being.

The man-made ways to feel or not feelinclude everything from shoes to Chardonnay. So if alcohol abuse/addiction doesn't apply to you, what does? Do you shop to feel? Eat? Starve yourself? Exercise compulsively? Spend hours on Facebook?

How do you attempt to numb or feel? Focus on the One who does not condemn you. Focus on the One who loves you now, just as you are, whose love will bring liberty from the ways you cope. Whose love will make you whole.

I love animals! Sold!--to the woman who loves animals! Memoirs fascinate me. Reading a memoir is the closest you'll ever get to walking in someone else's shoes. And the best ones offer words that inspire you to get on with walking to freedom in your own shoes.

It turns out, Richards is a re-covering alcoholic with a beautiful horse named Georgia. Goergia becomes her inspiration to continue to place  her feet on the floor each morning and show up for life. (I love how God uses animals to heal ancient pain.)Today, I'm sharing an excerpt from Saddled. Here, Susan is invited to an A.A. meeting after achieving one year of sobriety by herslef. If you battle alcohol abuse/addiction, I encourage you to read, read, read this book.

"I didn't know that becoming sober meant really changing. Not drinking was the least of it. It was the rest of me that was the problem, the part that wanted to stay numb. The men and women in that room didn't sound numb anymore. They were angry and scared and depressed. They were also hopeful and funny and grateful. They were all over the place. The word that came to mind was whole. After years of shutting down all or parts of themselves with alcohol, they were finally whole human beings.

I sat in a corner with my arms crossed and my mouth shut and listened to what whole human beings sounded like. Evidently being human was a messy business. Not a single person said Everything's fine -- my stock response since I was a child to any question about my state of mind. It had never been true, but that didn't keep me from repeating it for the next twenty years. I thought that's what you were supposed to say. I thought that's what you were supposed to feel. Anything else meant you were a complainer or worse -- a bad person, a wrong person, and wrong was just a code for crazy. I didn't want to be bad or crazy because I was already on shaky ground in the wantable department. So the sweet smiley girl became the sweet smiley woman who drank liquor to help keep the lid on anything that didn't reflect how fine she felt one hundred percent of the time. Never mind the on-and-off suicide fantasies going back to the fourth grade. Doesn't everybody have those? I was fine. " [end excerpt] Copyright 2010 by Susan Richards

"Wendy, if you squeeze a lemon, what comes out of the lemon?"

"Lemon juice, Suzanne. Why are you asking me this? It's a silly question."

"Because I want you to understand that life will always squeeze you with irritating people and unfavorable circumstances that you cannot control. Your reactions, in other words, what comes out of you when you are squeezed, belong to you. No one makes you behave a certain way. You, and only you, are responsible for your temper. Fortunately, you were not created to have a bad temper inside of you the way lemons were created to store lemon juice. Are you willing to believe that God will bring about change if you cooperate with Him?

"Yes, Suzanne."

How do you react when life "squeezes" you? Do you lose your temper? Slip into depression and climb into bed? Abuse alcohol? Take drugs? Shop? Starve yourself?

I encourage you today to ask God to hold a mirror in front of you and then grace you with eyes to see. Confess what you see, ask Him to forgive you, and then continue asking Him each day to teach you His ways. And be patient with yourself. One day at a time, sweet friend, one day at a time.

What does this have to do with healing? Just do it, and you'll discover the answer for yourself. Bless you, today!

I have a friend named D'Lissa, who runs marathons. A marathon is twenty-six miles. So, clearly, my friend is insane--let's pray for her. (I'm kidding.)

It just so happens that I am a writer and a clinical massage therapist. This means that in addition to girl-chat, D'Lissa and I have unique roles in her training. While I support her emotionally (Run D, run!), spiritually (Dear Lord, help D run!), and promote her physical health (massage), she (thank God) is the one who must run and run and run.

Training for a marathon requires commitments that make Rocky Balboa look like a slacker. After all, in the movies, we only see Rocky incur injury during the main event. Marathon runners deal with injuries even as they train. (By the way, eight miles is considered to be a short run. A long run is eighteen miles. All are followed by ice baths. I repeat, ice baths.)

So, why do marathon runners run marathons?

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I heard the cry. You know the one. The one that prompts a mother to rush to her child's side. There he was, lying on the ground. A boy and his bike, down for the count. I reached down to pick him up, but instead of extending his arms, he placed his hand over the wound and yelled, "Don't touch me!" . . .  I remained by his side and waited for an invitation to make it better.

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Yesterday morning (Valentines Day) I woke up thinking about how far I've come by the Lord's righteous right hand. In the beginning, I was so broken that I imagined the abused girl in me simply sitting in Jesus' lap. The first three years of healing were rough. I didn't understand why it was such a slow process.

Today, I understand. Are you familiar with the phrase: "My whole life flashed before my eyes." Well, Valentines morning went something like that, only it was my healing process that flashed before my eyes: Initially, I saw an abused girl; safe in my Savior's lap. Next, I saw myself as a toddler, hanging on to His leg as He walked. Eventually, I stood on my own two feet, but remained hidden behind my Heavenly Father; every so often I peered from behind him. Over time I learned to walk and finally run, but not without stumbling; not without His comfort and care.

At last, I'm a grown woman, walking down the isle. My heavenly Father walks arm and arm with me. I'm a beautiful bride, dressed in the wedding gown I've only ever imagined wearing. He's proud of me. His honor feels like sunshine on my face. And in that moment, in my spirit I heard Him say, "And when you are old and silver, ever so much more than twenty, you will still be my little girl."

It takes time to grow in Christ. He didn't reveal images of all the tears, all the fits I threw; the times I initially reached for a drink instead of Him. From the beginning, He saw a broken-down baby from a broken-down home, who needed Love to grow to be a woman free from her past. 

At 8:30 yesterday morning, before I had gotten out of bed, I declared it to be the best Valentine's Day ever! My wonderful husband, Michael, is the icing on my cake!

I encourage you to reach for the Savior. No one loves you like He loves you. You are precious and honored in His sight and He loves you. (Isaiah 43:4).

I overheard her say that she hopes the orange juice is "WIC approved." The cashier totaled her items, swiped her card, and reported a balance of $5.72. Then the young mother began searching her purse for money. She was just under a dollar short and commented that she would have to put something back. Of course I gave her a dollar.

She smiled and said, "Oh, thank you so much!"

"Your very welcome. I was once a single mother on the WIC program."

Sometimes I forget how far I've come by the grace of God. But yesterday, in the middle of Walmart, I reflected on the day I applied for WIC, thanked Him for my life today, and thanked Him that I can relate to those who need help to make ends meet.

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If you haven't read my memoir, The Jonah Chronicles, then you may not know that my husband grew up in a physically abusive household. (I was sexually abused.) So just imagine the levels of dysfunction we had to overcome both individually and as a couple, to get where we are today. And where we are today is wonderful, but we didn't get here overnight. It required willingness to follow the Savior into the very pasts we had spent most of our lives avoiding. Our fears were similar to the prophet Jonah's, who ran from God and was swallowed by a whale before he yielded to God's instruction to travel to a place that had previously caused him pain.

There's a saying: "You can't run forever." It's true. Eventually all that you run from catches up with you, overtakes you, and you find yourself in a dark pit with nothing but the sound of your own voice crying out to God. Moments like this are priceless. I feel exceeding pleasure whenever someone tells me they've reached the end of their rope. I'm not mean spirited, I just delight in knowing that at the end of man's rope is God's hand--where all things are possible.

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Yesterday, a friend of mine (an avid reader) told me that she found herself getting upset with the concept of God that Gilbert forms in the Ashram in India. I told her that when I'm reading something that doesn't ring true for me, I always pause and thank God for Truth and Grace. I'm so thankful that the presence of God is not something I must "achieve" to experience. However, I do agree that even we Christians must learn to sit still. I read a lot of everything. How can I know what I really believe if those beliefs are never tested in environments many would avoid? That's just me. I loved The Shack. But I know people who believe that to read that book will surely open a door for the devil. All I can say about that is: If that's what you believe, than it might (for you). My take on it? It's FICTION people. I'm TOTALLY rambling, please forgive me. Back to today's message, which begins with a quote from Eat Pray Love:

 "Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

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I made a list of attributes I wanted in a friend and sought God for blessed transformation. Over time, I became that friend. Over a decade later, I still had not "reaped what I sowed". I was exhausted from giving to friends who did not give back. Seriously, I had a friend whom I invited over for dinner quite regularly, who once threw a party, asked me to bake the dessert, but never invited me to her party. And I actually baked dessert, took it to her house and said, "Have a great time!" Oh, how I weep for the woman I once was!

At age forty-three, this is what I learned when I examined my "friendships." I had become a good friend to everyone but myself. In my quest for approval, I was willing to be quite callous with my own heart. Ouch! And I'll tell you where it all started: in church. I was rejected in church as a little girl by legalistic authorities and somewhere along the line, I came to believe that when "religious" people accept me as I am, God will. Double ouch!

That's why I never "reaped what I sowed". I wasn't sowing friendship, I was seeking God's approval and acceptance. Something I've had all along! I'm free today-- to be a good friend to myself and others. And now I reap real friendships!

Are you lonely? List the attributes you want in a good friend. Grow in those attributes. Become that friend to yourself, first. From there, true friendships blossoms!

I intend to share the quotes that made the biggest impact on my senses over the next few months. I love to read, but I especially love the times I find myself re-reading particular lines, savoring the flavor of an author's word choice the way I do butterscotch as it rolls over my tongue. (Now I'm hungry!)

I'm currently reading book number four: Eat, Pray, Love. And I'm a little embarrassed to say that I'm just now reading it. No, I'm not into Ashrams, but still, I find the book delightful. Besides, it affords me the opportunity to travel to Italy with author Elizabeth Gilbert. (It's one of the perks of reading: You venture out of your home town and home-thinking.) Just this morning I drank my coffee at a soccer game in Rome and learned a few choice swear words in Italian. (Not that I will use them, but I do find them amusing.)

Afterwards, I ventured from the Christian radio station to classic rock and roll as I ran a few errands. I really love classic rock and roll. I also really love Jesus. It's good for me to venture out a bit. It's impossible to listen to Mick Jagger and entertain the notion that I have all my religious ducks in a row. I was actually thinking this when the Rolling Stones came on the radio and I just know God winked!

I've asked God for a lot this year. More humility, less self-righteousness. More of Him. And when He gives me a vision, hope, or dream--He can color outside the lines of the picture anytime He wants!

What does He ask of me (and you)?

"He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8 NKJV)

And remember all you classic rock and roll listeners: You can't always get want you want. But if you try sometimes you might find, you get what you need.

It's not that I didn't want to rest, I just didn't want to leave you feeling left behind. Holidays are fast approaching and I understand how difficult they can be when someone in your life battles addiction. I couldn't stand the thought of not writing to you throughout the holidays. It sounds nice, but the reality is when God tells me to do something or in this case--not do something, and I don't, I'm disobedient.

I wrote to you Friday, but somehow it didn't save and I didn't have time to re-post. So, it looks like I will be recharging in my Savior's arms for the remainder of the year. I have two more speaking engagements and then I'm closing my mouth for a while.

Meanwhile, please continue to read from the library. Watch the videos if you haven't. There is plenty of material to encourage you throughout the season and check out destinyinbloom.com

I think you'll love these women. Today they have an awesome video that I know you will appreciate. I have written an article for them that should post the 17th of November: Is Your Savior Your Healer?

I will continue to pray for you. And I'm grateful for the time you have invested in reading my blog. Time to be still . . . for now.

"The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want;
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cups runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever" (Psalm 23 NKJV).

I'll be back when my cup runs over. Bless you, sweet sisters.

destinyinbloom.com

Why not carry that over into Halloween in your own neighborhood? I know the word Halloween creates a visceral response in many Christians, but we've got to lighten up, and look for ways to make a difference in the world. And how are we going to do that if we don't get out there? Yes, yes, we can invite people we know to the Fall Festival hosted by our church, but what about the ones we don't know, who will come to our doors if only we'd turn the porch light on, smile as we greet them, and accept the fact that people who really do worship the devil do it year 'round. Besides, Fall Festivals are generally the night before Halloween, so you could participate in both. I don't have anything against Fall Festivals, I think they're wonderful. I also don't have anything against trick or treating on Halloween. I've never met a four-year-old wearing a pink Tutu who worships the devil. 

Here are a few themes that can make the night fun and more purposeful than avoiding your "heathen" neighbors (that's sarcastic wit in case you're just getting to know me).

Theme one: shoe polish a scripture on your front window: ""Behold, I give you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy." (Luke 10:19)

Now comes the fun part: decorate with lights and put rubber snakes and scorpions on the ground in front of your door. The kids get to walk over them. (Boys love this.)

Theme two: (I do this every year.) Carry over Red Ribbon Week: I hand out Red Ribbon ghost-stickers that say: Drugs are Scary! or Drugs will haunt you! Others say: Don't get caught in the web of lies. Pledge to be drug free!

From there, decorate with ghosts and/or spider webs. The kids have been learning about it all week, so they get a kick out of it. They must pledge to be drug free before they get their candy. It's fun! I get to wear my yellow Hugs Not Drugs T-shirt and embarrass my sons!

And lastly: What a wonderful opportunity to walk around your neighborhood and silently pray over EVERYONE you see.

How about you, any ideas? I'd love to hear them.
Have fun this weekend, be safe, and look for ways to be a light in a dark world!

*to order stickers, Google Red Ribbon week or contact your school counselor to see if she can donate any left over rolls of stickers

Saturday morning I intended to read my bible, but the 2010 fall Pottery Barn catalog won my attention. Two cups of coffee and several "dog-eared" catalog pages later, I decided to write God a letter. (See, I really do practice what I preach.) There's something about writing what we don't feel comfortable confessing out loud. Here's a peek into my journal:

Dear God,

'Don't feel much like blogging. I feel like I'm letting my readers down, but then again, they are not mine, they are Yours. I've been pouring my heart out for many years, and I need recharging. I ask You to comfort and cover the brokenhearted. I know Your eyes do not slumber. You always see them. You always love them.

I need a little break from sad circumstances. I need to putz around my house and decorate, plant mums, cook fabulous meals, play outside, read to Zach and share hot tea, cuddle with my dogs, watch all my favorite under-dog movies, and go to bed at night with the energy to make love to my husband.

Please give me the words to let those beautiful women know that they have not lost their place in my heart.
In Jesus' name, Amen.

Well, I guess those are the words. Here's the plan: I will write happy hellos, updates, and begin telling you a little more about myself through November. Let's see, how about Tuesdays and Fridays? I will take the month of December off, but check in with me once in a while because I'm in the midst of searching for a few women who will join me in writing to you. Then you'll have more resources to choose from, and I won't be overwhelmed because I still have a day job and three sample chapters to write for a book on forgiveness.

Come back Friday, I'll post the introduction to the book! Meanwhile, I work tonight, tomorrow, and teach on the topic of forgiveness tomorrow night to a small group of women I just love, love, love!

How do you feel lately? Are you in need of recharging? What are your favorite things? What are your favorite silly things?

Shiny people rise above

Walking through darkness

Yet cloaked in love,

Calling to Jesus as the senses fray,

Nothing but darkness, knee-deep in the day.

Step forward, step backward.

Sow tiny seeds.

Trust His great Spirit

to meet the great need.

And suddenly like gardens

The smallest of sprouts,

Love opens the ground

And a way is made out.

For the greatest adventure in all of our time

Is the journey to freedom

It's yours and it's mine.

Follow me to The Daily Dose

Wednesday morning I stayed in bed with my two dogs and watched the Biography channel. My husband asked me what I had to eat that day and I actually said: Two cups of coffee, one coke, one and a half Eskimo pies, and some left over nachos. Can you relate? Please tell me you can relate.

I'm trying to be strong. Trying to be powerful. But at the moment, I'm simply a very sad Christian woman who refuses to go the gym even though I know it would make me feel better . . . physically. My Savior knows I'm sad. He sees inside my heart. He knows when I will go to the gym and quit eating junk food.

Some weeks are just like this. They pass. They always pass. Meanwhile, when I tell my husband I love him, I say it with tears in my eyes. I know how much he means to me. I know how much my children mean to me. I know how blessed we are to have each other. I know that the same loving Savior who holds me as I grieve, holds my friend's husband and precious girls. And that is the only guarantee we have in this life. No matter what we go through, we are never alone and we are held by the Divine.

Thank You, Jesus, that we are never alone. You hold us when we can't stop crying, can't sleep, would rather watch TV in our pajamas than exercise, and wait expectantly to smile again.

P.S. I hate cancer.

Then I find something to paint. I've always been that way. When life circumstances remind me that none of us are in control of our own destiny's, at least I can change the color of my bedroom walls. So that's what I've been doing--painting. And crying, laughing, doing my best at work to relieve my clients physical pain, and praying for you, hoping you don't feel forgotten because I've been too sad to write. And that's what my life looks like for now.

One thing is certain, I'm grateful for the ability to go to work when I'm sad and for the willingness to give myself space to grieve. I didn't try to be Wonder woman. I slowed down and allowed others to take care of me. God did that for me.

How about you? How do you handle grief?

Just wanted to let you know. Didn't want you to think I forgot about you in case I don't post again until this Saturday, but I continue to pray for you each day. I will try to renew The Daily Dose tomorrow.

Thanks for understanding. Please say a prayer for Adelea's two precious little girls and husband.

One day Mark faced a very long to-do-list and he found himself so overwhelmed by the list that it immobilized him. He simply didn't know where to start--so he didn't. He phoned his sponsor to tell him of the many things that required his attention, expecting sympathy and confirmation that anyone with a list that long would be overwhelmed. But his sponsor said, "Wow! That's some list. What are you going to do first?"

And that is how it's done. No matter how many demands life places on you today, you are only capable of completing one thing at a time. Start with one thing or you most likely won't start at all. Ask God to order your steps today and prioritize your to-do-list.

When the weight of my own to-do-list presses down on me, I stop everything and kneel before God. It is there that I receive the ability to move forward, and leave my anxiety with Him. Did you know that it's possible to be productive and not feel pressured?

I encourage you to offer God the pressure of daily demands and in exchange, receive rest for your soul. And then, ask, "What shall I do first?"

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My Yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matthew 11" 28-30 NKJV)

note: Mark died several years ago due to health complications. He remained clean and sober and though he was in an environment where many sought "a higher power of their own understanding", only God Himself knows how many hearts Marc gently led to Christ.

Be intentional about your day. Do what God puts in front of you and try not to worry over what comes next. Hmmm . . . that's a good blog topic!

I called her one day to complain about "Mr. Rights" habitual lying and she said, "He's on drugs, of course he lies. You know this about him and yet you choose to be in a relationship with him. He's just being himself. What about you? You claim to be honest, but you've clearly invited a person who lies into your life, and you tolerate it. What does that say about you?"

Ouch . . . double ouch! I was furious, she was right. In case you're wondering why I would share something so harsh, it's because of a scripture I came across this morning:

Psalm 120:1-2

"In my distress I cried to the Lord, and He heard me. Deliver my soul, O Lord, from lying lips and from a deceitful tongue."

It's easy to think of someone else, anyone but myself when I read this verse. But because I love you, I must tell you, I did not heal until I became willing to take an honest look at myself.  I was victimized as a child, no doubt about it. But in this case, I was the victim of my own choice.

I thank God everyday that He is merciful and desires for me to have victory over both scenarios. He desires the same for you. So if by chance today's post ruffled your feathers, know that I write to you in love and with the best intentions. My sponsor infuriated me on a regular basis, but know what? God used her to humble me and heal me on a deeper level than I ever thought possible. I want that and even more for you!

James 3: 17 describes the characteristics of the wisdom we need to make important decisions.

"But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy."

After years of asking for wisdom and seeking the will of God, I am just realizing that James 3: 17 is our check-list for whether or not the decisions we make are rooted in wisdom from above:

1. pure- does not require anyone to sin
2. peaceable- steady calm inside our hearts
   
3. gentle- obedient to the Word of God (humble)
   
4. willing to yield- resist our own impulses and wait for instruction from God
   
5. full of mercy- not made from a place of offense, self-preservation, anger, or neglect of another
   
6. will produce good fruit- a healthy outcome glorifies God and ushers in His blessings
   
7. without partiality- when we refuse to consider wise counsel, we won't hear from God clearly
   
8. without hypocrisy- does not compromise Christian integrity

Simple, not always easy. I encourage you to read James 3: 17 the next time you have an important decision to make. And trust God with the outcome!

I did it! I overcame my fear of elevators Friday night! Throughout the day I repeated out loud, "Perfect love casts out fear. Fear torments, and I refuse to be tormented! There's no room in my heart for fear. Christ lives inside my heart."

The fist elevator ride requiried a trip in a parking-garage elevator. In case you don't know, they're not air conditioned and very hot in the summer. No problem. We road up with a friend of ours and chatted on the way. Then came the biggie: sixty nine floors. Again, we chattted all the way up and were there in no time.

The miracle is that I didn't feel even marginally uncomfortable. And the view from the top . . . breath taking!!

Dinner was wonderful. Our friends are wonderful. The evening was wonderful! The next day I told my friend who still freaks out in small, closed in spaces, and she was amazed! We both wondered if there is a twelve-step program for people overcoming their fear of elevators. I think there is a program for everything these days.

Maybe in the fall (when it's cooler outside) I will talk her into spending a day riding elevators with me.

How about you? Got a fear you want to overcome? In Christ, you can and will overcome. Resolve in your heart to trust that He is with you and drives out fear.

Just a side-note: this is the first time I shared publically that I was about to do something that frightened me. I think my open confession coupled with the outward profession of the Word of God made the biggest difference. I encourage you to try it for yourself!

Elevators didn't bother me until four years ago when one of my darling sons thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of our house in the middle of the night. The policeman who caught him breaking the city curfew did not. His step-father and I did not.

It was winter, and his court date required a trip down town. It also required an elevator ride with too many people in coats. At one point the elevator stalled, and I got the strangest sensation in my chest. I had an overwhelming desire to take my coat off, but we were packed like sardines in a can. And that's when I felt it: fear. Fear of being stuck in that box with all those people with all those coats.

Why am I telling you this? Because tonight my husband and I are attending a wedding rehearsal-dinner that requires an elevator ride to the sixty-ninth floor of a restaurant in Dallas. Sixty-nine floors.

Today is the day I overcome my fear of elevators. There is no way I am going to miss out on something joyful just because the joy that awaits me requires an uncomfortable journey through fear.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18 NKJV)

Today is the day that I overcome my fear of elevators, in Christ. That doesn't mean that Monday I'll blog about my new love for elevators. It just means that I will have something joyful to tell you vs. a story of regret.

All together now . . .  breath.

She always got straight to the point. I loved her boldness, though it infuriated me at times (mostly because she was right). I could whine about Michael for fifteen minutes before she'd stop me and say, "We can talk about Michael all day but it won't get you any closer to the truth or the solution."

She knew the solution woud come when I asked God to reveal more of Himself as I practiced keeping my eyes on my own life. It was a hard truth in the beginning. My husband's choices were much more destructive than mine, and I knew, just knew that if he would listen to me he could see the error of his ways, clean up, and rejoin our family. But it didn't happen that way.

My circumstances didn't shift until I determined to keep my eyes on my own life. As they say in twelve-step programs: I kept my side of the street clean. He continued to use drugs. I continued to ask God to reveal more of Himself to me, and He faithfully began to heal me from the inside out. I slowly gained freedom from co-dependancy. And when that happened, my husband received eyes to see his destructive behavior. Why? Because when I stopped acting like a crazy person, his own crazy behavior became obvious.

In summary, when one crazy person accuses another crazy person of being crazy, no one gets better. No one gets better because no one is focused on the solution. But it only takes one sane person to change the atmosphere in a home. So take God's hand and start with yourself. That is the solution. Simple, yet not easy. I'm here to support you in the process.

Where is your focus? Are you caught up in the mental gymnastics of meditating on another person's destructive behavior? Are you willing to humbly ask God to reveal your own destructive behavior?

"And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the speck in your own?" (Matthew 7:3)

When we listen to what God has to say about our own hearts and do what He says, even when it's hard, we find freedom. "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." (John 8:32 NKJV)

Moving on. Last Thursday was meet-the-teacher night. While we waited in line, Zach recognized a familiar face (which all kids pray for as they enter a new classroom), and I saw that the boy's mother also had a six-month-old baby. That was me ten years ago. I had Zach when my oldest son was twelve, only he wasn't born into a happy, healthy family. I was a mess. For a brief moment, I felt a little pang in my heart. Not for me. Not for Zach. He only knows the blessed life we have today . . . but my older sons. Ouch.

I found myself regretting that when they were Zach's age life was hard. From the depravity of my soul, I made it hard for them. When something reminds me of that time in my life, I bow my head and thank God for all that He has done to transform and redeem our family. I've been a healthy mother to my older sons for many years now. And the truth is, I will mother my adult sons for a longer period of time than their childhoods. There will come a day when my time as a healthy mother will surpass the time I was unhealthy. Plus someday I will be a fabulous grandmother! (All in due time.)

Christopher and Matthew are now ages twenty-three and nineteen. When they need something they come to me--because they know they can. For prayer, for counsel, for support, for chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes . . . they go where they know they are loved.

Do you have regrets about the past? It's normal, I think, to wish you could go back and make life easier for the loved ones you hurt while you were hurt. But God has a way of taking our mistakes and transforming them into an occasion for testimony. No guilt. When you remember something you regret, tell God. He'll restore your peace just as He did mine.

It's tax-free weekend, and I'm headed to Walmart to buy school supplies. Why, O why, did I wait until now to do this?! If you happen to be braving the stores this weekend, I have an assignment for you (passed down from a woman who mentored me several years ago):

Be on the look out for a woman who looks like she's hanging on by a thin thread, and say a little prayer for her today. And I don't mean me (should you bump in to me as I discover they're sold out of colored folders with pockets) or you should you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror. I pray for you everyday. It's a good idea to get into the habit of giving someone else what is being given to you. It's not always easy. Believe me, I know. But the woman who mentored me was adamant about me doing this, and it's the reason I am here for you today. The bonus is that you will sense God's delight in you. Try it!

Contact me afterward. I want to know how it made you feel.

Will you take your medicine each day? This week I will post under the category: overwhelmed. New categories will be added and eventually you'll have a library to choose from (similar to my blog). And speaking of blogs, the plan is to update three times a week. School starts the 23rd of August, and it will be so much easier to work in my home office. Bless those of you who are getting kiddos ready for school. And bless everyone else too!

It got me thinking. Wait, first it got me laughing! Then I thought: How many times have I had a similiar response to God without actually saying it out loud.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." (Proverbs 3: 5-6 NKJV)

If you happen to be taking baby steps into trusting God, it's okay. Just acknowledge Him each day. And when you feel confused, acknowledge Him. Even if all you can pray is, "You are God and I am not. Please direct my steps today. Amen."

Can you think of a time when you were sure you had everything under control, but it quickly fell apart? God is in the business of mending the things we break: Our own hearts, other people's hearts. You can trust Him with both.

You are not cursed to shame. I'm proud of you for participating in therapy, and I'm proud of you for realizing that you must allow God to be the center of that process in order to heal. You can spill your guts all day in front of man, but if you ignore God in the process, you will hinder healing. I know how you feel. I've been right where you are. And I promise, you are healing. 

When you're overwhelmed by feelings of shame or memories of abuse, pause and verbally invite Christ into those feelings. That may sound a little crazy, but trust me, this is how He heals the memories. "Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." (2 Corinthians 3:17 NKJV)

When children incur an injury they want parents to make it better without touching the wound. Have you ever cleaned grass and dirt out of a skinned knee? It's a painful, but necessary cleansing process.

I'm convinced that when feelings or memories come up, it's an opportunity to allow Christ to cleanse us and make us better. To this day, if I'm overwhelmed with a painful emotion, I confess what I feel and say, "Jesus, come into the center of [fill in the blank]. It could be shame, anger, fear, grief, anything.

I encourage you to put this to practice. We don't have to be afraid to spill our guts before the Lord. He holds our hearts when we cry and our hair back when we vomit. 

I laughed earlier today when Michael described the gun he wants to buy me for Christmas. "You want to buy me a gun? I bet ten years ago you wouldn't have made an offer like that! If I had owned a gun back then, I most likely would have shot you with it, but I would have been REALLY sorry about it the next day." He smiled and said, "Ten years ago, there's no way I would have bought you a gun."

Look what God can do! Here we are, a couple of redeemed hot-heads, who now trust each other enough to have a hobby like this. If you are anti-gun, I do apologize. Truth is, I never wanted anything to do with them, but my husband and son enjoy going to the shooting range. So since I can't beat them, I'm joining them.

No jewelry under the Christmas tree for me this year. I'll be "packing" or rather unpacking a chocolate brown and raspberry Walther PK 380. I first saw the color in a Ruger LCP add.

"Arms Makers For Responsible Citizens"

Responsible Citizens . . . that is the power of a miracle working God.

Isaiah 17:7-8 and a half:
"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes . . ." Get it? Heat.

There's a Scripture for everything!

I did everything I could to prepare my "talk." I prayed. I waited to hear from God. I wrote a few ideas down, but it wasn't coming together like I had hoped, and I'm not generally a woman at a loss for words.

Every attempt I made to prepare was met with weird opposition. By mid afternoon of speaker evaluation day, I was in tears. There was a prayer room available for us girls, so I went in, bowed with my face to the floor and cried to God, "I have made every effort to prepare for this class, and I have nothing to offer. Lord, if you don't put your words in my mouth I won't have any, other than: Hi. My name is Wendy Saxton. Thank you. Good-bye."

Having done all I could do, I took the weight of my need and placed it in God's hands. When my name was called, I took a deep breath and opened my mouth. Guess what? He filled it for four minutes and forty-two seconds. I noticed a woman with tears in her eyes. That is the power of God.

You see, it would have been irresponsible of me not to do my part. I continued to pray and do what I could do, but in the end it wasn't enough. God blessed my efforts. He blessed me for trusting Him to do what I honestly could not.

How does this apply to every day life? Simple. When I was a single mother raising a six-month-old baby and two young children, most days I lacked every thing I needed to give my children the lifestyle they so richly deserved. And I'm not talking about designer clothes. I'm talking about a steady, non-dysfunctional upbringing. I loved them with all of my heart, but it didn't change the fact that they were being raised in a chaotic environment.

I did the best I could to get to the other side of my personal and family dysfunction. I prayed. I worked. I ran my household and took care of my children. I received wise counsel from sponsors and mentors who by the way, instructed me to take responsibility for my own actions and stop judging everyone else for theirs. But even that only took me so far. It was the unfailing love and power of God that brought me and my children to a land of healing and peace.

Trust God with what you can do. And trust God to take care of what you can't.

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matthew 11: 29-30)

Don't be hard on yourself. I've made more mistakes than I can count with my personal life and with my children. Nothing. Nothing can overshadow the redeeming love of God. I am living proof. And it's only a matter of time before you are too!

Are you doing what you can? Thank Him for your ability. Have you entrusted Him with what you can't do? Thank Him in advance for His provision.

Meanwhile, I want to leave you with a Scripture to meditate on. "For I will restore health to you, and I will heal your wounds," says the Lord. (Jer. 30:17)

Blessings, I continue to pray for you and hope for you. If you're not in a place where you believe, just believe that I believe for now.

Back on Monday!

Last night was a long night. I couldn't stop thinking about Bear, the writer's conference I'll be attending this Thursday through Sunday that I don't feel prepared for, how many times I snapped at my husband earlier in the day, you, me, and why I refuse to drink more water even as my face continues to break out (at the age of forty-two). 

In my restlessness, I found myself wondering at 3:00 AM if God was thinking of me, you, and even Bear. I got out of bed and shuffled into my office where I had left my Bible. I opend it to Psalm 140:17-18:

"How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You."

What a comfort to be reminded that God is always thinking of me and you and sick pets. He sees us, He's thinking of us. He knows how we feel and cares how we feel. God feels for us.

I want answers, but for the moment there are none; none that I can see. As far as God has brought me over the years, I still have nights when I'm restless. Still have moments when it's hard to detach from the outcome. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's just part of the journey.

If you've ever rocked a restless baby, you know what I'm talking about. Some nights the baby drifts off to sleep and others he/she fusses all night. It's just life.

Bless you, sweet friend. If you've been restless, you can rest assured that you are being tenderly gazed upon. God is thinking of you.

Should have a new blog for you after dinner tonight. Meanwhile, if you forgot this morning, it's never too late to ask God to direct your steps for the day. Just today. One day at a time, right? Take a deep breath and whisper, "One day at at time."

Bless you.

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Isaiah 61: 1 tells us that Christ came to bind up the broken-hearted and set captives free. He cares about your today.

When I began confessing how I felt about a past betrayal, Christ comforted me. And in the midst of comforting me, I became aware of my destructive reactions to the betrayal. I didn't like what I saw. Yes, it was only natural for righteous anger to follow the betrayal, but my anger was not confessed and quickly turned into something unrighteous: I expressed my pain by screaming at my children, who did nothing to hurt me. Make sense?

When I came clean (got honest with) God. He cleansed me. That's when healing really began, and my feet were firmly placed on the road to freedom. Freedom from feelings that were expressed at all the wrong times, with all the wrong people, in all the wrong places. 

Take some time today and ask yourself: How do I really feel about [fill in the blank], and do those feelings own me? If yes, consider telling God. He knows anyway. He's waiting to heal you, beautiful you. But He will wait for an invitation--the idea of that is healing in and of itself. Christ will never bully you.

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem,

and smarter than you think."

said Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

Ask God who you were created to be, then let Him show you. You won't get the answer over night. It will unfold in spite of your circumstances and when it is all said and done, whether or not the people around you ever become who they are created to be, you will be beautiful, free, healed, you. God is able to do more than we can ask for or imagine. Never stop hoping for yourself or the ones you love. Never. Place your hope in Christ, seek Him with all your heart, do what He leads you to do, and detach from outcomes.

Bless you.

Twenty-three years later, a few hours prior to my first session of group therapy for my horrible past, I noticed a Bible sitting on the table next to me. I stared at it for several minutes before succumbing to the power of its own silent gaze and picked it up. I surveyed the leather cover and ran my fingers over the thin, fragile pages and allowed them to fall open to the book of Isaiah.

"The sun will no longer be your light by day,
Nor for brightness shall the moon
give light to you;
But the Lord will be to you an
everlasting light,
And your God your glory.

Your sun shall no longer go down,
Nor shall your moon withdraw itself;
For the Lord will be your everlasting light,
And the days of your mourning shall be ended.

Also, your people shall all be righteous;
They shall inherit the land forever,
The branch of My planting,
The work of My hands,
That I may be glorified.

A little one shall become a thousand,
And a small one a strong nation.

I, the Lord, will hasten it in its time."

Isaiah 60: 19-22

I held on to that Scripture as if my life depended on it. And truthfully, there were days when it did. Healing took time. More time than I wanted it to, but my days of sorrow did come to an end. Yours will too. 

I pray for you. I don't know your names, but God does. Do you have a Scripture to hold on to come hell or high water? If not, this one is ideal for women seeking freedom.

Overall Statement:

Believe more deeply
Hold your face up to the light
Even though for the moment you do not see it

Affirmation:

• I will rest in the unseen arms of my higher power (Today I would say Savior. Higher power is just where I was at the time)
• I search to find meaning in even my deepest pain
• I have the courage to compassionately detach from others when necessary
• I give myself credit for what I am doing to heal
• I know what I feel (this was big for me because I was usually numb)

Supportive friends:

I had three phone numbers I could call during an emotional crisis.

Comfort I can give myself:

• sleep with a stuffed animal (I had a stuffed monkey named George that I slept with as a child. I still have him and when the memories got overwhelming, I took him off the shelf and slept with him. My precious husband would bring him to me if I forgot.)
• take a bubble bath
• buy a box of crayons and color
• paint
• journal
• garden
• exercise

*My counselor encouraged us to keep our cards with us at all times. It may sound weird, but it helped. It got me focused when I felt like the world was caving in on me.

Somehow I went from keeping that card with me at all times to not realizing it was tucked away in an old journal. It's been years since I thought about it. We can and do heal (repeat three times out loud).

"Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He [she] who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing bringing his [her] sheaths with him [her]." Psalm 126: 5-6

It's a promise. Cry, it's only right to, but keep moving forward. You're doing great. Keep one hand in God's and reach out to encourage someone else when you can (bear seed for sowing) and your harvest will come. God is faithful. Bless you today, sweet daughters of the Most High.

Will you make yourself a personal care card today?

1. Show up for life.

2. Seek God with all your heart, mind, and strength.

3. Tell the truth.

4. Be of service.

5. Detach from the outcome.

In my previous blog, I confessed that I allowed myself to get overwhelmed by life and should take better care of myself. But it's just life: within the last two weeks, the dryer quit drying, the refrigerator quit cooling, I had a fender bender in my new car, the dog had to go to the vet, and three rooms in our house lost electricity.

Okay, those aren't fun things to deal with, but I'm humbled by God's reminder of when:

• I didn't own a dryer and had to dry my panties in the oven on a cookie sheet (really).
• I referred to my truck as a "reservation special", which is what we Indians call transportation that's on its last leg.
• I couldn't afford a pet.
•  The temperature inside the house I rented as a single mother never dropped below 85 during the summer months.

I am not experiencing one crisis after another. I am experiencing life. And even with the not-so-fun things I have to take care of, it's a good life--a blessed life. So it's back to basics. "Thank you, God, for your perfect provision."

How about you? Are you overwhelmed by life stuff? Make time today to get still before the Lord. Let Him love you. I know from personal experience, things have a way of working out for those who love the Lord. If you're in a crisis, take a deep breath, ask God to direct your steps, and ask yourself: "Am I willing to believe that God will bring me further than my current circumstances?"

I remember when I  responded with an affirming, "Yes," several times a day.

Psalm 119: 105 "The Lord is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."

Yesterday I looked in the mirror and thought to myself: If you would get back to the gym and drink more water, you'd feel better. I suspect that all writers and women in their forties eventually think these things. I'm usually healthy, but somehow coffee became breakfast and lunch--a handful of chips with a soda. Please, somebody out there tell me you can relate!

What has taken me a bit off guard is that these are the reactions I once had when my life was dysfunctional. Today, I have a healthy home-life, but even good things can bring pressure. It's important to take consistent care of yourself  regardless of what's going on.

Today I will drink eight glasses of water, move and play, eat something with protein, kiss my husband, hug my son, allow my two labs extra licks on my cheek, and try to be in snoozeville by 10:30 PM.

How about you? Are you taking care of yourself? Drinking enough water, moving and playing, eating healthy foods, and getting enough sleep? Do you remember the last time you kissed your husband?

I used to judge my dad for his weaknesses. It was easy to do before Christ rescued me and then lovingly brought me face to face with my own. He knew of the pain my children would one day endure. The divorce, the re-marriage to a man who was drug addicted.

He also knew of our redemption . . .

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If you can't go home for lunch. Do it when you go to bed at night. Most importantly, make time everyday to be kind to yourself. God has not lost sight of you. You matter too.

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Shelby. . . after securing a much needed job in a beauty parlor; following her husband's abandonment: "I promise that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair."

I remember well, the vain attempts I once made to offset the collision of an emotional meltdown and my daily responsibilities. The year was 1999. My husband and I had separated due to his drug addiction, leaving me with two young boys and a six-month-old baby to raise.

My life was already a desperate haze of pain and confusion, but lack of sleep was about to kick my daily routine's butt. I held in my hand, a ticket for an expired auto inspection, and the thought of adding one more item to my to-do-list was more than I could bear. My friend, Meredith, who accompanied me to get the car inspected, shared one of her previous emotional meltdowns as I searched my appointment book for the time to have one of my own. Did I honesty believe I had control over the storm brewing in my heart?

A week later, I found myself on a week-long vacation that included bars around the patio, where smoking was permissible. (Day-timer be damned.) "Funny now... not then." I was in a mental institution.

This is what I learned from refusing to recognize my limits and prioritize who and what mattered most.

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If you're facing something painful from your past and need a break from the tears that often accompany such a process, try remembering the television shows that made you laugh and watch them on You Tube. Perhaps you had a hobby that made you feel good about yourself; painting, gardening, dancing, or listening to music.

 I found a list of quotes by Gilda Radner. Here's the one I love best:

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."

                                              --Gilda Radner
                                                June 28, 1946-May 20, 1989

Thank you, Miss Gilda. You've been gone all these years and still you make me laugh and inspire me to live...not knowing all the answers.

Question: What made you laugh as a child? What made you cry?

Friday was filled with "boy fun." We took Zach and two of his friends to see Iron Man and then my husband, Michael, put the tent up in the backyard and they slept outside with our yellow lab. I fed them junk and strung lights from the trees. It was a good day.When I climbed into bed that night, I found myself a little sad that my two older sons didn't have moments like that when they were young. They were loved, no doubt about it. But I was a troubled soul. Their formative years were spent coping with our family dysfunction. (My temper and Michael's drug relapses.)

The good news is that God continues to redeem the past. Which saves (literally saves) me from a life of guilt over not providing them with a more emotionally secure environment as they grew. My oldest son is now twenty-two. He took me and my mother to IHOP for breakfast and had dinner with us that night. I'm so proud of who he is--thoughtful and hardworking. 

His brother is nineteen. He's out on his own and finding his way. I know he'll get there. He called me on Sunday and is having dinner with us tonight. I continue to see God work in all of us. We're a family. And though I don't get a do-over with their childhoods, I do get to enjoy them as my adult children. I have the rest of my life to be there for them--to remain a steady source of encouragement and support.

Through Christ, all things are possible. Too many families give up on each other and go their separate ways. I'm so glad we didn't. Love never fails.

How about you? Any parenting regrets? Please consider confessing them to Christ and asking Him to redeem them. We all make mistakes with our children. We can't go back and change the past, but we can commit to being godly parents throughout their adult lives. It's our longest season of influence.

Ask yourself: How do I want to influence my adult children and my grandchildren?

My own mother is a perfect example of this. She didn't raise me in a stable enviroment, but we now have a wonderful relationship. And she should get an olympic gold medal for grandmothering. She's a great mom! She rocks!

Quick re-cap: A woman who has been married five times and is now shack'n with man number six, bumps into Jesus at the water well. Shack'n is slang for "shacked up" which is slang for living together as husband and wife without being legally married. I don't say that with judgement or to be crude-- I've done it twice in my life and that's just what we called it. 

So, our Jewish Messiah had a conversation with not only a woman, but a Samaritan woman at that. "For Jews had no dealings with Samaritans." (4: 9) But deal with her He did; Jesus validated, comforted, and empowered an unlikely woman whose disappointments in life had reduced her to a dysfunctional lifestyle.

How did He do it?

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Picture the ladder that leads to your roof-top. How long would your ladder be if each step represented an unhealed wound? Now consider how HIGH your ladder would be if each step represented healing and victory over those same wounds? It's the difference between an overwhelming view as you stare up a long ladder and a breath taking view from victory's standpoint.

I'm currently living my blog topic.
April 23rd

I'm in deep at the moment, which leaves me feeling disoriented and fatigued. God's calling me to go back and grieve something from the past that has nothing to do with sexual abuse. I know the journey well. I know that my willingness to follow Him up yet another painful step, will grant me more freedom and enlarge my awareness of His faithful love for me; but still, it's not an easy climb.

I do what I must each day...I'm a wife and a mother, but then I grant myself an early bedtime and quickly become a little girl, reaching for the only Daddy who can make it better.

Here's the reality of my initial response to facing yet another painful season of my childhood:
April 14th

I will be wise and abstain from alcohol during my season of grief expressed--a decision I made AFTER I drank a few beers with the wrong motive. I also bummed four cigarettes off of a friend. I'm one of those non-smokers who will smoke a few cigarettes once a year. (I prefer exercise to combat stress, but I'm nursing an injured foot and can't go to the gym).

April 15th

I've switched to Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup with crackers, and a glass of milk (my childhood comfort food). My husband graciously did the grocery shopping the other day and brought home a few cans of soup with pasta in princess shapes: crowns, castles, and slippers. If I'm home, I'm wearing mismatched pajamas. I look forward to the moment when I find myself on yet another roof-top, proclaiming what He has whispered to me in the dark.  Meanwhile, I'm so very grateful that I have people in my life who truly care for me and don't judge my initial responses to pain.

Question: Do you have someone in your life who will support you and not project their personal convictions onto you? Would you sit next to a hurting friend as she smokes a cigarette outside and cries, or would you wait for her inside; avoiding the smell of cigarette smoke and the possible judgement of being seen in such a scenario?

If you have been judged in the past for less than perfect responses to intense emotional pain, I want to personally tell you how sorry I am. If it were possible, I'd sit next to you while you smoked a cigarette or drank a beer; hoping that you would feel God reaching for you... through me.

All humans are faced with moments when we want to do better, act better... be better. It brings to mind a profound scene in the novel THE WILD THINGS, adapted from the illustrated children's book WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE; recently made into a movie.

Copyright 2009 Dave Eggers
McSweeney's Books
San Francisco

The character, Max (the boy in the wolf suit), struggles to understand why he continues to "ruin everything." In this scene, he's approaching Alexander, after losing his temper and hurting him:

"You want me to move?' Alexander whispered. "No," Max said. He looked closely at Alexander, realizing at last that they were more alike than different. Their size, their fur--they were versions of the same undersized and over-trying creatures. He thought about putting his hand on Alexander's back, but when he raised his arm, Alexander flinched. There was a raw wound there, the fur missing and the skin red and bruised.

"Did I do that? Max said.

"Yeah."

Max stared at the wound for a moment, then knelt down next to Alexander.

"Does it hurt?" Max asked, hoping the answer was no.

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I have a friend who happens to be a pastor's wife (a juicy detail due to the demands placed on her to be better behaved than the rest of us). I've never seen her lose her temper, but I know better than to believe she hasn't. Oh, to be a better behaved woman than the one I see in the mirror each morning.

Here's the story . . .

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I'm grateful that God sees me; fragile, irritable me, eating something He will not "nourish unto my body" no matter how many times I ask. Me, wearing mismatched pajamas and a scarf around my aching neck. Me, wishing I wasn't so flawed.

It's just one of those days. Know what I mean? God is sovereign over those too.

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This year we told Zach that he could invite the two friends he spends the most time with. We took them to see Diary of A Wimpy Kid (which I highly recommend), and they spent the night. They had a great time, but I couldn't escape the feelings of guilt when I thought of the other boys he knows and likes.

It was a tough decision...

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It happens to me on occasion, and initially my soul wonders why I'm feeling that way again. Depending on the level of emotional pain, my flesh will question the authenticity of my own healing. (It's just like the enemy to plant doubt after a miracle has taken place).

So we must decide whether or not we're going to remain convinced of the work Christ has accomplished in our hearts or give nourishment to the seeds of doubt.

Here's a way to remain in faith.  

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What does humility have to do with it?  A lot actually.

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Thin Places is a beautiful reminder that our stories should be an integral part of not only leading others to Christ, but inspiring them to follow Him through the guts-and-glory journey of overcoming the hellish wounds and insecurities that reside in their very own hearts.

For more information, please visit www.marydemuth.com

I remember when I didn't make decisions, but rather reacted emotionally and then complained profusely about the outcome once the dust settled from the drama. It takes time to grow, and the changes that are necessary in order to make wise decisions only come as we concede that the contents of our hearts are under the sovereign authority of God. 

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Sounds similiar to Isaiah 55:9: "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts."

Whether you call it a "healing process" or a "journey," it's of paramount importance that you understand who your physician/tourguide is. I'll give you a hint: It can't be you.

I know firsthand that you can be a church-program-junkie, commit to Christian counseling, never miss a church sermon, and still manage to inch God right out of it if your main focus is on how you will heal instead of who will heal you. 

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Last weekend my husband, Michael, took our ten-year-old, Zach, on an adventure. Never mind that it was twenty-seven degrees outside. They sat at the kitchen table with a map and a highlighter, plotting their attack on the grasslands.

I did what mom's do best--served up a "manly" breakfast and smiled the "you-guys-are-crazy-smile" as they loaded up the jeep. And then off they went, with the windows rolled down, so that our two labs could feel the wind on their faces. Did I mention it was twenty-seven degrees outside?

Ahhh... A woman with the house to herself. "Thank you, God, for the day they will have together and for how far you've brought our family."

At 5:30 PM they returned, covered in mud, and with pictures to prove how they got that way. I watched a video of Zach climbing an enormous tree, its roots exposed, right off the bank of a lake. I quickly pointed out that if Zach had fallen, he would've landed in the freezing water. I wish I had a picture of the smile on my husbands face when he proudly exclaimed, "I know, I wanted to see if he was strong enough to do it!" 

I realize more than ever, how important it is for boys to  be provided with opportunities to be strong and effective every day. (Girls, too, but their opportunities are presented differently.)I have three sons, so today it's about mom's and boys.

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Eighteen months later, their comments make sense.

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It was in desperate need of sunlight and water...attention. As I was watering my sad plant, in my spirit, I heard God say, "All forms of neglect grieve Me. I created plants, too."

It got me thinking. When we neglect a plant, an animal, a child, a parent, a spouse, a friend, a widow, an orphan; what and who He has created, it grieves Him.

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Men and women who face any of these challenges, know well the emotional pain that accompanies a marriage that for a season, has become more of a battlefield than a blessing. Several years ago, while listening to a pastor disclose that most problems in marriage come from an accumulation of little things; the dishes, the trash, a bill not being paid on time; I whispered to my friend, "Just once I wish Michael and I would have an argument over something insignificant."

Back then, most of our fights were over his relapses. I tried to be a supportive wife. I spoke life over him, prayed for him, studied my Bible, and thanked God daily for my husband. Between my efforts to remain a faithful and godly wife, I took aerobic classes and with every knee lift, thought to myself, I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!

On my way home from the gym I would ask God to forgive me. I love him. I love him. I love him. And then I would cry, and cry, and cry.

Today, my husband is clean, sober, and amazing! I just happen to believe that the grace of God shines through a lot brighter when we're honest about how broken we once were. If you can relate to my former struggles, I'm going to share something that will set your feet on higher ground, if today you happen to be at your wits end.

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Have you ever just run out of steam? I've gone from stopping to smell the roses to stopping to camp in the garden. Normally when I spend time with God, it energizes me and I become more productive. But for reasons unbeknownst to me, the more time I spend with God, the more I want to nap afterward. 

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Often times we don't realize that we project these experiences onto God, even as we seek Him. When this happens, our Christian walk begins to orbit around an unhealed wound and a skewed concept of the character of God develops. That's why many Christians believe that on some level they must earn God's love or get their lives in order before they can experience His presence.

Until we confess our unbelief in these areas, as we look to Christ, we will not see His blood and the authentic work it did on the cross. We will only see the blood of our own wounds, which has no power; rendering us unhealed, and ineffective in the realm of discipleship to a world who projects its "Christian" wounds onto Christianity--a vicious cycle. I've done this.

I was hurt by a pastor when I was thirteen-years-old. It took me over twenty years to confess that wound to Christ. As Christians, how we treat people matters. Of course we make mistakes, but without confession, without the maturity required to discern the loving conviction of a Father who longs to forgive us, (and those who've sinned against us), we exhibit a dim reflection of the love of God.

We cannot give what we have not fully received. If you're mad at God, tell Him. He's big and He can take it. If you've been betrayed by a loved one, tell Him. If you're afraid that He won't be there for you on an issue you're convinced He has overlooked, tell Him. Tell Him. Tell Him.

Go to Him with a transparent heart. He sees inside your heart. He waits for our confessions. When we confess, we invite His power into that which has rendered us powerless. The truth, the beautiful truth rises in our hearts and we no longer sit in darkness.

Try it, you'll see. "And you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free."

I often told him that God does not want puppets without choices. He gave us free will and He delights when we choose Him. I simply refused to argue with my son. 

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I placed his cross on the upper right hand corner of a stainless steel billboard for all the world to see, or at least anyone who needed something from the fridge. It was purple, it was precious, and it was...UPSIDE DOWN! Who would do such a thing?!

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Dictionary.com has several listings to define the word hero, but these are the two I most relate to in regards to a twelve-year-old boy who changed a thousand diapers, rocked his baby brother when his mother broke down, and spent countless hours watching a baby and his younger brother when opportunities came for me to work when childcare was not available. 

1. a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for brave deeds and noble qualities.

2. the principle male character in a story, play, film, etc. 

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I thought for a moment and was quickly greeted by a spirit of despair. Now mind you, I have a wonderful life with my husband, there are no circumstances in my life today that merit those feelings. I got my Bible and read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NKJV).

As I read, my heart sank. I realized that I had not been actively expressing God's description of love in my marriage. I certainly had in the past, but God is interested in my walking in love today. 

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I was going to write early this morning, but I found myself sitting in front of my fireplace with two adorable labs at my feet and my Bible in my lap. I sang, I prayed, I read, I listened, I napped. I guess you could say that God and I had a "cuddle-uh-zation." 

When I encourage you to go deeper, you can rest assured that God continues to tap me on the shoulder and take me deeper too. And in the midst of everything wonderful about the Christmas season, He did just that this morning.

I often pray that God will expand my territory in ministry. Today He led me to Isaiah 26:15;

"You have increased the nation, O Lord, You have increased the nation; You are glorified; You have expanded all the borders of the land."

Beautiful isn't it? But once again, God is showing me that before physical territory can be expanded, the territory in our hearts must first be expanded by Him. For me, going deeper is always uncomfortable. But I am willing to follow the Savior and I pray that you are too. We're in this together!

How about you? Has God tapped you on the shoulder and asked you to spend more time alone with Him? You may not be praying to cover more territory in ministry, but maybe you would like to be more effective in your workplace or in personal relationships. If you feel in your spirit that it's time to be still, then He will bless your obedience.

Often times, we want the blessing, but we aren't willing to take the time it requires with Him to be prepared to receive it. We must ask Him to prioritize each day, allowing for time alone with Him. I know it's challenging. Last night I missed a dinner party that I was really looking forward to. The sitter got sick and no one else was available. I could have gone without my husband, but I didn't have peace about it. So I stayed home and realized how much we needed to be home last night. (Of course, God already knew that!)

But it is written:

"Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,
Nor have entered into the heart of
man,
The things which God has
prepared for those who love
Him."

But God has revealed them to us through His Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God. (1 Corinthians 2:9-10 NKJV)

It's back to the keyboard this evening! I'm thinking of you and haven't forgotten you in my prayers.

I was confused about Christ, confused about the cross...confused about Christianity. How can I come to believe God's love for me when I feel so invisible before Him? Does the Son who died for me see me dying today?

And then something happened that changed me forever.

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I'm about to be forty-two and I would say that the average age in that group is sixty. I was a little uncomfortable at first...my age, the fact that I was the only one wearing jeans, but after a few minutes I realized that something profound was taking place in my heart. Once again, God saw a desire in my heart that I'm not smart enough to pray for, and He provided.  

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One afternoon he was lying on his side as we were talking, and I happened to notice a lighter hanging half-way out of his pocket. He had a sponsor in a twelve-step program at the time and when I asked if he had relapsed, he assured me that he was clean and that he hadn't worn that particular pair of jeans in a few months, and that the lighter must have already been there. Yeah right. 

"Wendy, I promise I haven't used any drugs. I'll make an appointment with my doctor for a drug screen and prove it to you." Ordinarily I would have agreed but unbeknownst to me, my heart was changing and God used that day to reveal a baby step to both of us. "You know what?, Take a test, don't take a test. I don't care. It would've been just like me to ask you to take it and then put my life on hold as I waited for the results. Can I be happy or not? I realize now that the peace I want can't come from getting to the bottom of whether or not you used. The fact that we're even having this conversation is what keeps me in turmoil."

Did I really mean what I said? I did the best I could to keep my eyes on God and my own business. It still took a few years before my baby steps matured into a belief that could stand firm. It's interesting that when I changed, a new path for our relationship was created.

The "management" of another person's recovery process is just one of the many ways we fuel the cycle of insanity. Today, my joy in the Lord does not hinge on my husband's sobriety. However, he and I both agree that the season of living day in and day out around addiction is over. Christ is the center, from which healthy boundaries are received. and to whom trust in the outcome is given.  

Will you prayerfully consider that your emotional attachment and efforts to manage another person's life is a hindrance to the healing process?Identify one or two practical ways to let go and detach with love.

Most of my guest blogs have been written by women to women. But today I'm sharing an article written by two men. They are writers and speakers, but most importantly, they are men of God. I once doubted that "safe" men existed. I have since learned that you can't throw a gender away and experience the fullness of God. When I became open to the belief that there may be some good guys out there...they showed up in my life.

I met David and Marc about four years ago. I observed them as they told the truth, remained faithful to their wives, fathered their children, took the time to minister to the broken hearted, and sought God passionately. And because I was willing to believe, I received. God has transformed my husband into a man of God.

My guests today have written a book titled: The Original Sanctuary
It's all about the heart with them--you'll love it!  

For more information, please visit: www.elevatehim.com

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"And second, like it, is this: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:30-31 NKJV)

I'm taking a few days to meditate on this Scripture? Will you join me? 

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But the motive behind my request was not to encourage you to find fault with another, but rather to help you identify the areas in your own life that lack boundaries, and therefore steal the joy of fellowship.

Beth Moore once said that God didn't give her Bible studies to share because she was exceptionally knowledgeable and mature--that surely she needed them most. She then teased that before a Bible study "hits" us in the book store, she has been beaten half to death with it. 

I'm feeling a little banged up myself these days. I can't tell you that I'm on the other side of this lesson. This is the first time I've ever felt led by God to share something I don't feel like I have a strong handle on, but the good news is that my personal insecurity keeps me fully dependant on Him.  

Jesus has some very specific words for how we are to treat one another. Will you journey with me?

""And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?" Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? "Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:3-5 NKJV)

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That certainly includes sexual abuse, but if you've spent any time reading my previous blogs then you know that I am a woman who has suffered much, but that I live my life cradled in the redemptive arms of a Love so powerful that human limitation prevents me from fully grasping it.

In layman's terms: The good Lord has delivered me and my family from layers of crazy! :)

As long as there is breath in my body, I will continue to experience a deeper measure of His redeeming love. And I will continue to humbly share those miracles of redemption so you will know that you are not alone.

God is all up in my business again, only this time it's not in the earth-shattering stuff like abuse or addiction. It's in the little things. For example, some of the long-term relationships I have that leave me feeling drained, but I haven't said anything because I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings or (and this is selfish), suffer the ill opinion of another.

Jesus is always on the move. Once again He has invited me to walk with Him on the narrow, less traveled roads of my heart. It's dark; I don't know the way, and the only light at the end of the tunnel is the assurance that He will never leave me or forsake me.

Just me, Jesus, and a sign that reads "Authentic Friend or Acquaintance"?

He wants me to understand that there is a difference. As women, we need to know the fundamental differences between the two. Our lack of understanding in this area often spreads us too thin and our husbands and children feel neglected.

In a few days, we will touch on those differences. Until then, think of your "friends". Which ones make you smile and which ones make you grateful for caller I.D. ?

One day his sponsor said to me, "Michael would find God a lot faster if you and his grandmother would get out of the way and let him hit rock bottom."

He was right.

It turns out, when I got out of the way, we both hit bottom and found God. Over the years, God has transformed us into who He created us to be: Effective for Christ, of sound mind, healed, and happily married.

Is it time for you to get out of the way and let God be God in the life of a loved one? Perhaps your own life?

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He and my mother divorced when I was seven years old; growing up I always saw more of my mom than my dad. I was sitting across from him during Chemo and he said,"I really like your shoes." This may sound silly, but in an instant I became a little girl being complemented by her Daddy--and it was healing.

The next morning I drove him to the hosipital. I have no memory of driving my dad anywhere as a teenager. I never had one of those classic teenage moments when the daughter is nervous behind the wheel and the dad is equally nervous by her driving. My dad lives out in the sticks so we had to leave before the sun came up. We were dealing with winding roads, fog, and my forty-something-year-old eyes.

We were both nervous. And just like that God made arrangements for the "teenage moment" I had not previously experienced--and it was healing. It amazes me that He's always looking for opportunities to minister love to the lonely places in my heart; places that I'm often unaware of.  

It never would have occurred to me to ask God for those circumstances. I couldn't identify the need, but the God who sees me could. Unfailing Love is always on the look out for me (and you). I'll see my father again in two weeks. Though I hate to see him suffer, I am blessed to have him back in my life and I know that he too, is healing. 

Are you so over-stimulated by modern technology that there is little awareness of the quiet ways God moves in your life each day? Will you take twenty minutes today and identify a time when perhaps He handed you flowers, but you didn't recognize it? It's never too late to take a moment to smell those flowers and extend your thanks.

Be firm, but honoring. Acknowledge to yourself and to God that you are in the midst of highly emotional circumstances, and then ask Him for peace that transcends understanding as you boundary set with your loved one.  

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I've had brief conversations with him at writer's conferences, but it only takes a few minutes with him to grasp his sincerity for helping others. I've always been a tell-it-like-it-is person, and I appreciate his honesty and frankness.

If you're willing to take an honest look in the mirror as you seek healing, you will find Cec's news letters to be most helpful. For more information, visit www.cecilmurphy.com

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I needed to heal fast...I had a job and a family that needed me sane. I was constantly on edge and I didn't want to be touched. Every day presented new challenges. It all seemed so unfair and the truth is, it was.

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I love a good under-dog story!

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I'm not sharing the dark stuff for the sake of being edgy. I just think it's important to show all aspects of the journey. And I want you to know that when I say that I know how you feel, I really do know how you feel.

Your story doesn't have to end with what I once wrote. I now live in the light at the end of the tunnel and it's brilliant. You can too.

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I met Marty a few years ago at a writers conference and she is an amazing woman. She is the author of Generation G - Advice for Savvy Grandmothers Who Will Never Go Gray. I'm not a grandmother, but as I read her book I found comfort in knowing that my influence in the lives of my adult children is not bound to the mistakes I made when they were younger.

For me, healing was a long and challenging process. Initially, I remained committed for my own benefit. But I slowly began to realize that it wasn't just for me. My decision to face the past and heal was one of the greatest gifts I could give to my family. Generation G is a delightful reminder of that truth!

For more information, visit www.martynorman.com

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It's okay if you're not ready. Re-visit at a later date. Meanwhile, continue to seek God and trust Him with your pain.

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Lisa is a friend of mine and fellow writer. I met her almost four years ago at the North Texas Christian Writers conference in Keller, Texas. Her website, www.lisabuffaloe.com is reflective of her heart for women in search of encouragement and helpful resources and links.

Through Christ, she has overcome molestation, assault, rape, divorce, cancer, and remains in God's loving embrace as she battles the chronic effects of Lyme's disease. Lisa is an amazing woman who does not know the word quit. You will be blessed by her writing. Today I'm posting an article she wrote titled Work of art. Enjoy! 

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