(an excerpt from my life)

I sat on a church pew, studying all the families through a steady stream of tears. My two oldest sons were visiting their father. I was alone with their toddler-half-brother. His father and I hadn't married. So, when we separated, I became a single single mother.

I drove past a nursery on the way home from the service. Something told me to turn around and buy a tree. I have no business buying a real tree when I have a free one in storage. But I turned around and bought one anyway. The nursery workers tied it to the top of my truck. And away we went. Mom, at 5'2", Pint- sized Toddler, and Tree; seven feet. 

Somehow I managed to get the tree in the house by myself. I placed it in one of those stands that requires screws and a few choice swear words. Definitely a two-person job, yet something held that tree upright for me. There was no way I could hold the trunk steady and straight as I tightened the screws. But it never once leaned or toppled over. I had never given much thought to whether or not angels are real. But after that day, I was convinced they exist.

I strung lights and then together, we hung ornaments and watched silly Christmas cartoons until bedtime.

Every night there after, I sipped hot tea and gazed upon our beautiful tree. Hope came packaged in the smell of fresh pine and the soft glow of tiny lights . . .  a gift from God. I have very few childhood memories of the holidays. God, whom I did not trust at the time, blessed me with a sweet memory; safe to open year after year.

Merry Christmas, stubborn child of God.

Most of us, at one time or another, attempt to micro-manage someone elses realtionship with God. Wives are often pre-occupied with their husband's spirituality: Is he reading his bible as much as I read my bible? Is he REALLY singing the songs during worship or just mouthing them because he feels me watch him? Is he praying? Is he growing? Is he becoming the man of God Jesus wants him to be for me? It's exhausting, isn't it?--human arrogance. A friend once confessed that she stages her husband's bible on the kitchen counter, then watches to see how many days pass before it's been moved. I wanted to say, "Really? You poor thing." But truth is, I've done that, too.

What about our children? My husband and I have three sons. Two are grown, leaving us with one bird in the nest. So, I hope no one with a nest full of birdies will be offended when I say: You cannot make your children love God. I repeat, you cannot make your children love God. Ideally, children will seek God and pray to God because Light shines through their parents in ways they cannot help but want for themselves. Yes, we are to teach them His ways, but in the end, they must choose for themselves.

I know a woman who forced her children to study the Bible. She spent years force-feeding them Christianity. By the time they were old enough to decide for themselves, they didn't want anything to do with Jesus. This was not a mean-spirited woman. She loved the Lord. She was just so desperate for her children to love the Lord that she crossed over into manipulation.

What about churches? Can a church fall into the trap of micro-managing its members? Read the words of Paula D'Arcy, author of Gift of the Redbird: "We are well practiced in seeking wisdom from the study of Scripture, which is of course also alive. 'In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God' (Gospel of John).  We are also comfortable seeking God in familiar forms of worship. We gather together, two or more, and honor the presence of Spirit in our midst. But too easily we begin imposing our considerable fears onto the Word and the gathering, wanting them to be controlled reflections of ourselves, rather than mighty expressions of God's power [empahsis added]. 

The Word and the gathering must be as expansive as the wilderness if we want to know their truths. Each of us in our own heart must face our nakedness. When we gather only with those of like mind, or we read only the words agreed upon by the particular authorities who make us feel secure, then we will find exactly what we sought, and nothing greater.

There is no such authority and no such safety in the wilderness. There is only God. There is your own name being called and your own response . . . "

I love her words! And I do not minimize the Christian imperative to walk under authority. But I'll admit, I wonder how often religious organizations groom members to become controlled expressions of the founding pastor's by-laws rather than nurture and release individuals to be the mighty expressions of the power GOD deposits in them.

If you're knee-deep in "how-to" classes in church, don't get your undies in a twist. I'm just wondering out loud: What if the Power Point's "how-to" isn't HOW God wants to work through YOU? You are free to imagine someone putting tape over my mouth, but if you're a sister in Christ, then classify me as yet another irritating family member whom you're genetically called to love. :)

Ask yourself: Do I recognize and respect the multiple expressions of God's love and power through others, or do I expect them to be controlled reflections of how His love and power flow through me? Am I attempting to control how God is expressed through someone else? Is someone else attempting to control me?

"For it is God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us" (2 Corinthians 4:6-7 NKJV).

When I draw closer to the Savior, I discover more of Him . . .  and me. He literally begins to show me things about myself I never knew. According to Jeremiah 1:5, He knew us before we were formed in our mother's wombs. 

Since I began following Christ, I have learned that I am a writer, speaker, minister, total dog lover (all animals really, but especially dogs), I will fight for my family, and I won't quit five minutes before the miracle. And that if I was having the worst day of my life and noticed you sitting on a curb having the worst day of yours, I would sit next to you and talk about the unfailing love of God until we both felt better. Also, if you needed to smoke a cigarette while sitting next to me on that curb, I wouldn't mind. 

Have you discovered new things about yourself since you started following Christ? Maybe it's something exciting and fun, or maybe for the first time in your life, you are willing to face the pain and really heal. Both can make you feel as if God just dropped you into a lake to reveal that you can swim.

What are you waiting for? Ask Him who you were created to be and soon you'll smile and say, "Hey, I never knew that about myself!"

(from my archives)

Last week I sensed God saying, "Draw near to Me, and I will draw near to you." I assumed it was a summons for a longer period of quiet time with Him. I asked my husband how he felt about me booking a hotel room so I could pray and write with no interruptions. He agreed. He's very gracious!

Arrangements were made for our son to go home with a friend after school. My plans to draw near to the Lord were in place. While preparing my son's lunch for the next day, I discovered we were out of bread.

"Zach, do you want to buy your lunch tomorrow?"

"I will, but the lines are so long it doesn't leave much time to eat. Will you have lunch with me? You could stop by Sonic."

I have two sons who no longer live at home. I know how fast children grow. So, I ditched my hotel plans and decided to draw near to the Lord from home, after our lunch date. The next day, as I drove to Sonic I saw that a precious cat had been hit by a car. It had happened in front of the mobile home park, a bus route for an elementary school. She didn't survive. Things like this rock my world. I love animals. I feel sad when squirrels die.

All I could think of was how that cat was someones pet. Most likely the pet of a child who would be stepping off a bus in just a few hours. I didn't want the children to be traumatized. And then I heard it--the still, small voice inside my heart: After lunch with Zach, go home and get the shovel. Bury the cat, and protect the children's hearts.

"What?! You want me to get the shovel? I can't do that. What about MY heart? I'll be traumatized for days. I love animals. You know this, God. You made me this way."

But it was too late. I was compelled. Compelled for a precious animal who deserved to be buried. Compelled for the hearts of elementary-school-aged children. 

I thought of the scripture posted on the homepage of my website. "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song [story] I will praise Him." (Psalm 28:7 NKJV)

"Okay, God. I know You wouldn't ask me to do something without giving me the strength to do it, but in this case, I need You to shield my heart, too, otherwise I'll cry all day. I absolutely cannot do this if You don't shield my heart."

I did it. I gave that sweet animal a proper burial, thanked God for the joy she'd brought her owners, and prayed for the ones who would grieve the loss of a family pet. I drove away and cried. I cried on and off for about thirty minutes and then resolved to do the grocery shopping. I was at peace. On the way home, I drove past the mobile home park, children were stepping off the bus.

I realized in that moment, I'd drawn near to God--He to me. Not in a hotel room; sipping hot tea and reading the Bible at my leisure, but on a busy street, with tears and sweat stinging my eyes; obedient--in spite of the pain.

When we face something painful with complete dependency on the Lord, we draw near to Him on a deeper level and He to us.

Deep calls unto deep. (Psalm 42:7)

How about you? Are you facing an opportunity to receive His strength and His shield? Trust Him.

Reflection:How often does God reach through me with a desire to shield another? How often do I listen and obey?

(from my archives)