I began to heal on the inside when I decided to set aside time each day to sit quietly before God. I didn't read or study my bible during this time. Initially I didn't say much. I just sat in my bedroom closet after inviting the presence of God to transform me.

After a while, I got angry. So I told God I was angry. With others. With Him. Later, I felt sad. So I told God how sad I was. Sad that I'd been hurt so badly. Sad that He allowed it. With every confession I became increasingly aware of how comforting He is.

I began to look forward to my time with God. I needed it. I sensed that I was changing on the inside, though I couldn't identify how, which freed me from trying to control the process. And then one day, in the presence of Unfailing, Unconditional Love, my eyes were opened to my destructive re-actions to abuse and betrayal. How I treated the ones I loved the most. How I treated myself. I didn't like what I saw. So I did what I'd been doing all along. I told God. I confessed. Then I asked Him to forgive me. And He did.

Not long afterwards, God prompted me to forgive the people who'd hurt me. For the first time in my life, I had it to give. It felt good to forgive. Healing and forgiveness is an "inside job." I think too many people begin on the outside. That never worked for me. Pointing a finger, telling everyone but God, what so and so did to hurt me--how I feel about them. It only muddied the water in my own heart. A heart that held a well of pain as deep as betrayal and wide as abuse. 

God sent His Son to save us AND heal us. Jesus is very interested in healing us on the inside. In Matthew 23:26, He tells us to "first cleanse the inside of the cup and dish, that the outside of them may be made clean." And that's how it worked (and still works) for me.

Counselors are wonderful. I went to counseling, too. But be mindful not to join the drowning--who only describe the water--over, and over, and over.

When we commit to spending time alone with God and invite His presence into our pain, Living Water pours into the muddied waters of our hearts. Over time, the water becomes clear and we see our own need for forgiveness. That's how we heal from the inside. And that's how we forgive from our hearts.

Are you ready to begin? All you have to do in the beginning is show up. From there, simply respond to Him. You can't screw it up.

An excerpt from Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller (Thomas Nelson 2003)

"I think every conscious person, every person who is awake to the functioning principles within his reality, has a moment where he stops blaming the problems in the world on group think, on humanity and authority, and starts to face himself. I hate this more than anything. This is the hardest principle within Christian spirituality for me to deal with. The problem is not out there; the problem is the needy beast of a thing that lives in my chest." [end excerpt]

I planned on blogging after I'd spent some time with God. I was in the God-zone when the phone rang. Thirty minutes later, my twenty-four-year-old son came to visit. (Of course this is fine. I'm always glad to see him.)

We visit. We laugh. He sings as he plays a song on his guitar. I smile the same proud smile I smiled when he sang in his Mothers Day Out programs.

I'm proud of my son. At noon, I give my son, who I'm proud of, a ride home. He lives about twenty five minutes from me. And just as we were turning into the driveway, I sensed God asking How would you react if he forgot his keys?

Well, guess what? Yep. He forgot his keys and his wallet. SO, back to the house we go. He apologized profusely. Offered to buy me lunch. "It's okay sweetie. It happens. No worries."

What can you do, right? A display of anger or disappointment won't get me there and back any faster. It would only hurt him. When I was younger, I would've shown my frustration. Robbed him of sweet memories of fellowship with his mother. By the grace of God, I don't have to vent over minor inconveniences.

I've been asking God a lot lately to reveal more of the grace in my heart. It's in there. Jesus is in there. So there must be a lot of it. Our travel time came to about two hours when all was said and done. Two hours of laughing and talking with a son who hated me throughout his teen years. (Much of his anger was justified.) 

It's never too late to improve how we relate to the ones we love. Do they feel good about themselves after spending time with us? Or do they leave feeling like a disappointment to us?

I'm just sayin'.

On the heels of a wonderful conference this past weekend, I looked forward to a light schedule today. And then it happened. Life. I spent the better part of the morning in a doctor's office and things just sort of snow-balled from there.

It's 7:30 PM. Tuesday. The day I'm supposed to blog something helpful. Insightful. Trouble is, I can barely keep my eyes open. I ask for grace. I'm off to bed, trusting that tomorrow I'll feel better. That tomorrow, by the grace of God, I'll be a source of encouragement for you. But know that I prayed for you today.

I pray for you regularly, though I don't know your name. I wonder what your name is. Whether or not you're married. Married with children. Healing. Frustrated. Trusting God with outcomes. Trusting God with your heart.

I wonder. I pray.

I find comfort in Psalm 32:8: I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. But this wasn't always so. When I faced my painful past, the first year was a desperate haze of pain and confusion.I needed this scripture to be visibly alive, not merely "at work in my heart" each day.

I did my best to believe. But all I felt was overwhelmed. All I saw was opposition. How could I prioritize a life that resembled a sink full of dirty dishes?

I didn't give up. I read this scripture daily. I memorized it; spoke it aloud throughout the day. When I couldn't sleep, I meditated on it. I struggle to explain how this worked. I only know that somewhere along the line I awakened to the counsel and instruction of God. The dishes in the sink and the memories of my childhood no longer overwhelmed me. God watched over me.

It took time. The building of ones faith doesn't happen over night. Have you chosen a scripture that speaks to the deepest need in your life today? Ask God for one. He knows what you have need of. It'll either "jump off the page" when you're reading the Bible or resonate in your heart when you hear it.

When this happens, receive it. Pray it. Speak it. Meditate on it. Proclaim that the Word of God is alive and active in your heart AND your day.

Then don't let go. Hold fast to the Word of God, for it holds you, too.