I was first introduced to the word codependency in 1997. A woman I had recently met, who had me pegged from the beginning, suggested that I read a book titled Codependent No More. I thanked her and assured her that I was not codependent.

Besides, I didn't have time to read books. I was busy single-mothering two young boys and enabling my drug-addicted prince charming. Remember Dorothy's famous quote in the 1996 movie Jerry Maguire?  "I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is." That was me.

I don't remember having the conscious thought that I could "save" him, but my actions declared it from the roof top. You see, I had a dream, and my prince charming had a part in that dream. It didn't matter to me that he was clearly unwilling to fulfill the role of clean, sober, and honorable man. And the irony is that every time I bailed him out of the natural consequences that should follow irresponsible behavior; I emasculated him--not very honoring of me, huh? Every time I refused to let go and trust God with the outcome, I scorned the God who promises never to leave or forsake us. What did I think? That if I "detached with love," God would appear to him and say, "Sorry dude, I'm with her. You're on your own now."

It's a tragic expression of human arrogance . . .

I spent the first four years of my relationship with my husband, Michael (then troubled prince charming), trying to make him fit into my life. We had just separated due to his drug addiction, and he had stopped by to visit our six-month-old baby and my two sons. I followed him outside as he was leaving, and he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I love you, Wendy. But I can't do right by you and these children."

The truth--now that's honorable. But it wasn't what I wanted to hear. So instead of receiving the truth, letting him go, and running to God with a broken heart, I replied, "Oh, hell no . . . you helped me make this baby and you're going to clean up and help me raise him!" And I wasn't taking no for an answer.

Never mind that every day for the next six months he showed me no. By that time, even if he had been transformed into a prince, he wouldn't have come home to a princess. Because I resembled the wicked step-sister trying to force Cinderella's glass slipper on her foot. "I'll make it fit!" Forcing something to fit comes with a price. It will cost you the very thing you were created by God to desire--to love and be loved.

Beloved, only God can change a heart and redeem a heart breaking reality. But you gotta trust Him . . .

I recently met with our family counselor regarding my teenage son. Most young adults today have a sense of entitlement that I didn't have at that age. This is a generation that wants it now, and they don't want to work too hard to obtain it.

My son is about to graduate from high school, but isn't interested in attending college in the fall. That's okay with me. It's not unusual for some to take a year off before continuing their education. What's not okay with me is him working part-time after high school, while living at home and enjoying the comforts provided by his full-time working parents--which led me to Jerry's office.

And this is what he said:

Authentic love always meets the greatest need of a person. As humans, our greatest need, first and foremost, is salvation, so God sent His son. If a small child comes home from school crying because another child bullied him, his greatest need is a cookie, a hug, and encouragement. If the next day that same child deliberately disobeys you, his greatest need becomes discipline; maybe a time-out or swat on the behind.

Love served the same child, but with opposite methods. Ahhh, but the motive behind each method was the same: to meet the greatest need. This applies to all age groups.

I love my teenage son with all of my heart. I want him to be successful. I want to help him be successful, but he has a role to play in the measure of his success. Without going into detail-sharing that he would not appreciate, I can see that his greatest need is a dose of reality. So ninety days after graduation, he must get a place of his own for six months. If at the end of that time he chooses to be a full-time student, he is welcome to return home. And the rent is the rules.

If not, then not. I will still love him. I'll look forward to when he comes over for dinner and happily shower him with house warming gifts. But I will not raise a man-child. He may hate me for a little while, but his future wife will love me for it.  

I will allow love to meet my son's greatest need instead of manipulating him into my greatest plans for him. I've already learned from his older brother that there will be suffering involved for the both of us. But I also know that the gap between what you pray for and what simply isn't, closes in a lot faster when we get out of the way and let God be God.

Michael and I were separated for two years before God brought us back together. The first year we were idiots. The second year we got counseling from Jerry, and eventually began dating. Now we're in our fourteenth year together and the "baby" just turned ten. Is our marriage perfect? Nope. But love reigns supreme through submission to God and human accountability--proving that oil and water can live together.

I encourage you to take some time and prayerfully consider what your greatest need is. Once you identify it, write it down.

Are you trying to make something fit? Something that no longer fits, or perhaps never did?

What is your loved ones greatest need? Whatever it is, you can't force the meeting of that need. You can only lovingly, respectfully, get out of the way, and let God be God.

After you have written your answers down, go find a pair of shoes that no longer fit; maybe never did. Almost all women own said pair of shoes. Fold your paper and tuck it in one of those shoes. Every time you cry or pray or both to God, I want you to hold that shoe in your hand and place it at His feet. Then wait for the still small voice of God to rise up in your heart.

And now is the part you CAN do something about:

Map out what trusting God with someone you love will look like on a daily basis; be specific. Here are some examples:

• Professional counseling for support through tough decision making
• Be accountable to someone once you have identified the action you need to take (no backing out at the last minute--follow through, lovingly)
• Daily prayer
• Journal
• Quote specific Scripture to build up your spirit 

If you're overwhelmed, don't feel badly about it. I've introduced a lot of information. Your list doesn't have to be big to make a big impact for good. You can start by changing just one thing at a time. In 1997, I was so depressed that my mentor helped me make a list and I agreed to be accountable to her for the following:

1. Get out of bed each morning and show up for life.
2. Make your bed.
3. Open your window blinds.
4. Eat at least once today.
5. Stay out of your bedroom until bedtime
6. No more naps
7. Be accountable for 1-6

Countless miles of baby steps have led me up to creating this blog for you. You're not alone, and you can and will do this. And by the way, I'm praying for you.