No one likes rejection. Rejection hurts--whether you're being rejected by someone you care for, or someone with whom you have no real emotional attachments. In both circumstances, confession is the key to overcoming the pain it causes. Simply allow yourself time to grieve or feel uncomfortable, or both.

For decades, I unknowingly gravitated toward people who were likely to reject me. Then one day I had a conversation with someone that marked the beginning of the end of my bizarre attraction to people that were likely to break my heart.

Her name is Suzanne. She was my sponsor at the time. I'd called her to complain about how my boyfriend had broken my heart . . . again. She listened for about ten minutes and then offered a few solutions. But I ignored her solutions and continued to talk about the problem. So, she interrupted me and said, "Let's talk later. You're clearly enjoying the problem."

"How can you be so insensitive?

"Wendy, I listened to you long enough to know what the problem is. I acknowledged your circumstances. I validated your pain. But you weren't open to my suggestions because your flesh loves the problem too much to let it go. That's your real problem. Call me when you're ready to do something different."

"Fine. Bye."

I hung up the phone, irritated. Deep down I knew she was right. But my thoughts went over and over my circumstances for the better part of the day, and gave my flesh more time to bask in the drama before calling her back.

Eventually, I called her back. And while I didn't gravitate toward solutions overnight, I did so gradually. By the end of that year, I'd learned something about myself that I couldn't see before.  

When I was abused, a spirit of rejection and worthlessness attached itself to me; as I grew in the physical realm--it grew in the spiritual. Everything with the capacity to grow needs nourishment. Not everything in my heart is good for me, but it remains a living force that seeks survival.

Have you heard the expression: Starve the flesh. Feed the spirit? Well, in order for the spirit of rejection to thrive, it must continue to experience betrayal and rejection. It has quite an appetite for unhealthy relationships. Never under estimate the power of this pull.

In Christ, I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37). Back then, I was more comfortable as a victim--it was predictable. I wanted the Savior to defeat the spirit of rejection, with no action required on my part, and then tell me about the battle over dinner. But Jesus wanted me to know who I am and what I am capable of in Him. He wanted to take me by the hand, walk me over to the bully's house, restore my dignity, and watch me get the ball back! Now, that makes for good dinner conversation.

In His presence, we must all die to self, but unlike Jesus, who suffered silently, our flesh resists the death of pride by refusing to get still and quiet and feel. Have you ever prayed to change and then acted worse for a season, or decided to break away from an unhealthy person only to feel more drawn to him/her? It's the great internal conflict we must overcome to be free.

When we seek to overcome to the exclusion of our own comfort, we are redeemed and restored. But in everything there is seed, time, and harvest. What we plant now will either choke out the harvest of despair from past hurt and rejection--or strengthen it.

Here's a practical example:

Years ago, I knew a man who got involved with an unhealthy woman who continually broke his heart. Each time he swore he would have nothing to do with, he called her, only to suffer more pain and more rejection. One day, after renewing his resolve to stay away from her, he created two signs. He hung one over his phone and one on his front door. They read: FOR MORE PAIN--CALL HER. FOR EVEN MORE PAIN--GO SEE HER.

The hard part is, not calling and not seeing her also caused him pain. But this type of pain (suffered with Jesus), eventually comes to an end. And that end comes with a reward: Freedom from the spirit of rejection.

If you're struggling to end an unhealthy relationship, I encourage you to feel your pain constructively.

"Sorrow is better than laughter, for by a sad countenance, the heart is made better" (Ecclesiastes 7: 3 NKJV).

Can you relate? Are you beginning to see that your spirit is strengthened in Christ when you recognize that betrayal and rejection feeds the very hurt you desire to overcome? Choose your relationships wisely. Just because you feel drawn to a certain person does not mean he/she is good for you.

Take advantage of the windows of time when breathing is a little easier, and identify activities you can do with your children that will be fun for them and comfort the wounded kid in you. For example, reading, coloring, watching classic Disney movies. (Ice cream cones are a gift from God.) Believe it or not, those activities will help you function better as an adult. If you're rolling your eyes, it's okay. I've mentored women who had the same reaction. They thanked me later. Try it for ninety days.

About family. Does your husband know what you're going through? Some women attempt to heal from past abuse without telling their husbands what they've been through. That won't work, and it's not fair to your spouse. Because the truth is, you are going to have days when you unravel. And your husband needs to understand why your emotions are so erratic at times. Why some days it's okay to touch you and others it isn't. You don't have to violate him with the details of your past, but tell him how he can support you as you brave your way to victory.

You and your family are in God's hands. Healing is messy at times. God can handle messy. Your job is to remain in constant communication with Him and get professional help if you need it. Just don't inch Him out of the process by neglecting to tell Him what you tell a counselor or therapist.

Schedule down-time for yourself. It's imperative that you spend time alone with God. I've blown off group bible studies to sit with Him at the park and cry (knowing if I went to my bible study I would shine it on and fake it through the pain). Give yourself time to recharge. Rest, take a hot bath, read, journal, sip hot tea, whatever ministers to your nerves. When I was up to my chin in emotional pain, I was separated from my husband and raising a six-month-old baby and two school aged boys. I had to stay up late to create this kind of space for myself. Yes, I was tired the next day, but I was going to be that anyway. God blessed my heart for making an effort to be kind to myself.

God loves you and your family. He is for your healing, not against it. I know it's hard. But you can and will get through this. Love holds your family together, not you. Even as you make mistakes, Love covers them in mercy and grace. When it's all said and done, when children know they are loved, that is what they will remember most as adults, rather than how broken Mom once was. (I have two grown sons, and know this is true.) We all look at each other and say, "We made it!"

Simple suggestions, no easy answers. After confessing my long list of problems, the best spiritual mentor I ever had would reply, "I don't have all the answers, Wendy. But I know that God does. And I know that without Him, you're screwed. So Don't give up!  He is with you. Ask Him for wisdom everyday."  (She had a way with words.)

*Just a reminder, when you submit a question, I only post your question, never your name. It's safe to ask me anything.

"I shall not die, but live. And declare the works of the Lord." (Psalm 118:17 NKJV)

I pray for you each morning.

Love is patient and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NJKV)

Here it is. Divine instruction on how to not hurt someone. And with it, the hope of how the love of God will un-hurt a broken heart.  

Michael and I recently committed to reading this scripture once a day, while alone in our quiet time, and then together before we go to sleep; for twenty-one days. And it's transforming the way we communicate to one another.

Now, when I'm rude, I feel a check in my spirit and apologize. I've never been this sensitive to what love is and what love isn't. The word of God is medicine.

Verses 11 and 12 reveal a deeper meaning to me:

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child,; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

We all have self-preceptions in relationships, be it marriage, parenthood, friendship, or acquaintances. I have beliefs about the type of wife I am to my husband, but God has revealed to me that it's not my perception that matters--it's my husband's. In other words, not how I see myself, but how I am known by him.

How the people in our lives know us is inversely proportional to how affective we are in loving them God's way. If we want to see a real reflection of ourselves, then the word of God must be our mirror. If we do not spend time in His word, we see dimly.

Will you consider reading the thirteenth chapter of 1 Corinthians everyday for twenty one days? A great exercise before you get started is to first describe how you see yourself in a particular relationship and then ask that person to describe how they see you. Write it all down, allow 1 Corinthians to sift through both views and reveal the truth. (I know, I know, but this is how we grow up!)

This is the love that heals. A gift from God.

*Disclaimer

There are times when no matter how committed we are, some will only have a negative view. It's unavoidable, we can't please everybody all the time, but we can love God's way, and leave outcomes where they belong; in His hands.  

Instead, I was humbled by the transparency of a very human, Christian man. He wore jeans, flirted with his wife (which I thought was adorable), shared about his walk with God, and openly confessed that after a long period of sobriety, bought the lie that he could have one drink. It took less than twenty-four hours for him to be reminded that he cannot. So he repented and humbly started over. And isn't that what we're supposed to do?

I've lost count of the times I've sat in church alone after one of my husband's relapses, and wished that just once someone would speak to my reality. Church pews are  full of families who long for validation and direction on not just the topic of addiction, but what to do when your loved one relapses. Today, Michael is clean and sober, but just like Josh and Katie Hamilton, we both know the importance of maintaining accountability and an intimate relationship with God.

I like Josh. I prayed for his family on the way home from church that day. Who knows, maybe I'll become a Ranger fan.

How about you? Are you accountable to someone? Are you spending time alone with God? If you're wondering what I mean when I say accountable, go back to select a category and click on Setting Boundaries.