The previous list of rationalizations in Part 2 are in bold text; followed by solutions:

1. He/she needs money to eat or possibly be out on the street if I don't help. A jar of peanut butter, a loaf of bread, a gallon of water, and a cab ride to the nearest shelter or rehab. If he/she is making a real effort to stay clean and you want to help pay the rent or a bill, do not give money. Make your check payable to the landlord or bill collector. And do not make a habit of it or he/she will make a habit out of using you to pay bills.
2. He/She has never stolen from me before. Never say never. Most recovering addicts confess that as the disease progresses they find themselves doing things they never thought they would do. The shame is overwhelming. Good boundaries protect you from regret and him/her from feelings of guilt in the long run.
3. I can help him/her detox. It's a full-time job. Depending on the addiction, blood pressure may need to be monitored, etc. Detoxification from I.V. drugs can be dangerous. Most addicts get off of the hard stuff by "chipping"; they use a little each day to minimize the withdrawals, which means you now have an illegal substance in your home. The potential for an angry outburst is sky-high. And they usually go back out anyway; after they have sucked the life out of you. I know a man who once allowed men to detox in his home. He just wanted to help. It didn't take long for him to realize that he was in over his head. Now he lovingly says, "I'll pray for you and take your detox'n butt to a clinic!"
4. He has no place to sleep at night. (or) He doesn't have a way to get to work without my car. Get to a computer and Google the nearest shelter in your city. Donate a bicycle. If you're in a big city, help with bus fare until they get their first pay check.
5. I pushed him/her too hard when I lost my temper. I'm at least partly responsible for the relapse. You are responsible for you. He/she is responsible for himself/herself. Period. If you squeeze a lemon, the result is lemon juice. Life is going to squeeze you, no matter who you are. What comes out of you (your reaction to being squeezed), belongs to you. *If an addict realizes that they can make you feel guilty when they use, he/she will never take responsibility for their behavior and they will use you as an excuse to relapse. They start arguments, you lose your temper, they leave angry, and the rest is history. It's a tragic game because the losses are real and too often our children are the victims.
6. He/She seems so sincere this time. He/She went to church and/or a twelve-step meeting and got someones phone number to call for help. It's okay to live together now. Time will tell, so give it time. I would say ninety days. Are they truly accountable to the person who offered to help? Most sponsors request that you call them several times a week and attend meetings early in recovery. What are the household chores? It's time to divide them up. The person in recovery should have responsibilities: all twelve-step and celebrate recovery programs agree on this one. *It's not unusual for a recovering addict to dismiss their accountability once they have been clean for a while. I don't believe my husband did it intentionally; he was deceived into believing that it was no longer necessary for him to live a recovered life--and so was I. A belief that once brought perpetual heartache to our family.
7. "If you use drugs or take another drink the relationship is over and/or you must move out." Tell the truth. We cannot overcome what we deny. The first five years of my relationship with my husband consisted of the following routine: we lived together, he relapsed and moved out for a while; he cleaned up and moved back in, relapsed, moved back out, in...out...over and over. I would call my sponsor and rattle off the usual post-move-out statement: "I refuse to be in a relationship with an addict." Then I came face to face with the truth, I was willing. I just wasn't willing to live with him while he was using. Ouch. The reality of my life hit me like a ton of bricks. He wasn't ready to recover and I consistently compromised the quality of my life and the lives of my children. He wasn't gong to "lose" me if he remained active in his addiction. The break-ups weren't even break-ups. They were extended drug-runs. I'll say it again: We cannot overcome what we deny. Confession precedes healing. It was a real turning point for me to kneel before God with the truth. God, I need to make better choices. I want to want to. I'm letting my children down. I'm letting me down. I hate the truth about me; how weak I am. Please help me.
8. I am a Christian and the Bible says that my husband is the leader of our home. When Jesus fasted forty days, Satan tempted Him to take action outside of God's will, and he used scripture to do it.Today he quotes scripture to co-dependents; tempting them to enable their drug/alcohol addicted loved ones. His motive is to steal, kill, and destroy your family. We must learn to resist those attacks the same way Christ did; by responding with the written Word.

Examples:

 "A servant will not be corrected by mere words; for though he understands, he will not respond.(Proverbs 29:19 NKJV)

*For parents: "He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly."(Proverbs 13:24 NKJV)

A boundary should never be set from a place of fear or as an attempt to control. Communication of boundaries should be respectful, loving, and yes, tough; containing three elements:

• They should honor you, the boundary setter. (Be firm, but kind.)
• They should honor the person battling addiction. Making him/her responsible for his/her choices is honoring. He/she may not respond honorably, but you can stand before God and know that you addressed him/her as an adult, not a small child.
• Boundaries should always honor God. That means you are clear on what your roll is. You no longer do for the addict what he/she should be doing for him/herself. Trust God with the outcome.

"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do so."(Proverbs 3:27 NKJV)

Will you prayerfully consider that when an addict is showing no signs of willingness to get help that the "help" (usually money, shelter, transportation) that they expect from you is not due?

        9. Just this one time. Today he/she seems like the person I fell in love with.The most tender-hearted, otherwise committed people I know are capable of unspeakable actions while under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Relapses are heart wrenching--it's a reality, but they shouldn't be a threat to your health. If your loved one is heavily addicted and disappears for long periods of time, unaccounted for, save yourself the worry, humiliation, and expense that accompanies the potential health problems. If you won't guard your heart, at least protect your body. Do not have unprotected sex until he has been clean for six months and has tested negative for STD's.

          10. I know he/she loves the children and would never harm them.Get a sitter. Always. The one you love would never place the children in harms way, but you're not leaving them with that person. You're leaving them with drugs and alcohol. A bottle of vodka or a bag of dope cares nothing of your children's safety. Six months clean and sober is a good rule of thumb for when it's okay to leave the children in his/her care. Court supervision is available in extreme circumstances, but I know plenty of recovering addicts who have trusted friends and family supervise until they are steady in recovery. When Michael and I were separated, he used to visit our youngest son at his grandmother's house.

In closing I want to tell you how truly sorry I am for what you're going through. I know how you feel. It's not an easy road. I want to promise you that healing will come quickly. I want to, but I can't. I can however, promise that if you cry out to the Savior, He will come quickly. Place one hand in His and He'll place your feet on the road to freedom. He'll put people in your life to support you along the way, but they can't do it for you. I encourage you to identify the places you most need good boundaries and ask God to reveal why you resist them. When I pray that prayer He often reveals the wounds in my heart that keep me from taking better care of myself. Let the Great Physician perform a miracle in your heart. Circumstances have a way of changing when we change--by first letting Him love us.

Daily Affirmation:

I have the courage to compassionatley detach from _____________ when necessary and trust God with the outcome.