The year Michael and I separated was one of the most challenging years of my life. Our son, Zach, was just six months old. Almost ten years have passed, the dust has had plenty of time to settle, and God used a recent conversation with my twenty-two-year-old son, Christopher, to reveal that he is the un-sung hero during that part of my story.
Dictionary.com has several listings to define the word hero, but these are the two I most relate to in regards to a twelve-year-old boy who changed a thousand diapers, rocked his baby brother when his mother broke down, and spent countless hours watching a baby and his younger brother when opportunities came for me to work when childcare was not available.
1. a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for brave deeds and noble qualities.
2. the principle male character in a story, play, film, etc.
Christopher was the principle male character during that time of my life. It wasn't fair. There was nothing fair about it. Yes, yes, it's healthy for older siblings to learn to assist with the younger, but ours was a twisted version of that. Back then, it was 911-necessary, and I cannot imagine the burden that both of my sons carried...the times I was emotionally unstable.
It's not a coincidence that this came up. Just yesterday afternoon, I thanked God for my husband and children and asked Him to reward them for the sacrifices they made so that I could seek Him diligently. At the time I was referring to the long hours I spent studying my Bible and then the writing of the book.
"...He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.: (Hebrews 11: 6 NKJV)
I can see now, how easily those of us in ministry can become blinded to the sacrifices our families often make when we have one more hour to write, yet the popcorn is popped and they're ready to push play on the DVD player. I've learned many things the hard way. I've since learned to stop writing and watch the movie. The Holy Spirit will prompt my memory if I forget where I was when I left off.
It was on the heels of this revelation that Christopher told me that he loved my book, but was hurt that there was no mention of how much he helped me when Michael and I separated. My heart broke. He was right. Why didn't I mention it?
We talked it over and both agree that during the time that I recounted single-motherhood, he was a teenager and that our relationship at the time was very strained. It's not an excuse, just the reason that rose up in my spirit.
The greater lesson here is that we have to be careful not to lose sight of who a person really is in the midst of frustrating seasons of life with them. Mine is a perfect example of "throwing the baby out with the bath water". Lesson learned.
"God in heaven, thank you for allowing me to see more fully through your eyes. Your eyes. Thank you for the heroes in my life."
Matthew, who was nine at the time: for all the funny faces he made to keep the baby entertained so that I could cook meals.
And Christopher, the un-sung hero in my "raising a baby on my own story". I wasn't as alone as I once thought.
I couldn't have done it without him.
Will you ask God to reveal to you the un-sung heroes in your life and then honor them by expressing your gratitude? How can you be a blessing to them today?
Published on Wednesday, December 30, 2009 @ 9:54 AM CDT
It was a strange request to a single mother at her wits end. Looking back I can see that my response opened the door to the great journey of trusting God.
It was a strange request to a single mother at her wits end. But looking back I can see that my response opened the door to the great journey of trusting God.
I was instructed to make a list and then read it to a woman who had graciously agreed to mentor me.
I need God to:
- Keep His promises
- Never lie to me
- Never leave me
- Never hurt me
- Love me unconditionally
- Value me
- Be available to me
- Free me from harmful relationships
- Heal me
- Protect me
- Fulfill my heart's desire for a loving husband and a healthy family
There you have it. What I wanted with a winning lottery ticket. I called her back and we reviewed my list. Most of my requests were what I had needed from my parents as a child. It frightened me to be so vulnerable before God.
She told me to start praying to the God of my list. I was confused. I felt like I had two gods--one who loved me and one who hated me, and the feeling was mutual. "Pray to the God who loves you. Are you willing to believe that He can take you further than your circumstances?"
It was a desperate time in my life...My best idea was driving off of a bridge. I hung up the phone, willing to pray. What did I have to lose? I put the baby down for the nap he still hadn't taken since birth, got still, and after a long period of awkward silence, I prayed. I prayed for lasting change. I prayed that I would heal. I prayed that the baby would sleep. And I believed. I was too desperate to doubt.
That was ten years ago. God has since made Himself known to me in ways that by far surpass what I listed that day. My family is not perfect. But we are healing and we love each other. God's smile is upon us. And His mercy is made new each morning.
If you struggle to trust God, your first step to trusting will be confessing the reality of where you are. Even if it's, "I can't trust, but I want to want to." If you were lost in your car, you wouldn't lie about your location if the person you called for direction asked, "Where are you now?"
So my question to you if you're feeling lost is, "Where are you now and what do you need from God to feel found?" Make a list and tell Him. You can even go to the contact page, reference the title of this post and tell me.
Published on Monday, August 31, 2009 @ 6:24 PM CDT
