When my oldest son was two and a half his kidneys failed and he nearly died. During his hospital stay nurses came ever six hours to collect blood to track his kidney function. Within a few days his little fingers were so bruised from being pricked that the nurses switched to his precious toes.

My heart splintered each time they entered the room. I knew it was going to hurt him, and that hurt me. I held him each time they drew his blood and cried with him as he begged, "Mommy, make them go away!"

He was a toddler, incapable of understanding how his mother could allow something so horrible. But you see, I had knowledge he didn't have. And while I HATED what he went through, I understood why I had to allow it. Apart from medical necessity, allowing grown ups to puncture a child's fingers and toes is abusive and cruel. My little one could only perceive that I refused to protect him. Long after his kidneys healed, he was still healing from his confusion over that experience.

Stay with me.

Matthew 18: 6-7 refers to what I believe to be child abuse:

But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be greater for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea."

Woe to the world because of offenses! For offenses must come.

We live in a fallen world and therefore, "these things" must come. God did not intend for His children to suffer abuse. He created Adam and Eve in a perfect environment. The fall of man opened the door to horrendous abuse. And when that happens. The Creator of the universe, who only wanted perfection for us, cries with us and for us.

The good news is that He sent us the way to redemption: His Son, ensuring that we could heal if we wanted. And his Holy Spirit to hold, comfort, and counsel us along the way.  

You are NOT too damaged to heal. Go to the One who wept with you and for you when you were abused and betrayed. Nothing can separate you from His love. Not even your anger. Imagine the fits my toddler threw. I understood why he was so angry and confused, he's my child.

Today he is a man, twenty-three years old. He still doesn't like getting his blood drawn, but I will never forget the day he told me that he was going to step into the pain and donate blood. Wow.

You are overcoming. One day at at time. Some day you will donate a bit of your own blood, sweat, and tears and perhaps save a life too. Ahhh, the greater good prevails in a world where "these things" must come.

Psalm 129:2 "Many a time they have afflicted me from my youth; but they have not prevailed against me."

How do you feel about the story? Can you relate? Did you gain a new perspective on painful experiences? I would love to hear from you!

Over twenty years had past since I read the Bible. At age fourteen, on the heels of multiple years of sexual abuse, I left my church more wounded than I was when I first arrived. I was done being a Christian.

Twenty-three years later, a few hours prior to my first session of group therapy for my horrible past, I noticed a Bible sitting on the table next to me. I stared at it for several minutes before succumbing to the power of its own silent gaze and picked it up. I surveyed the leather cover and ran my fingers over the thin, fragile pages and allowed them to fall open to the book of Isaiah.

"The sun will no longer be your light by day,
Nor for brightness shall the moon
give light to you;
But the Lord will be to you an
everlasting light,
And your God your glory.

Your sun shall no longer go down,
Nor shall your moon withdraw itself;
For the Lord will be your everlasting light,
And the days of your mourning shall be ended.

Also, your people shall all be righteous;
They shall inherit the land forever,
The branch of My planting,
The work of My hands,
That I may be glorified.

A little one shall become a thousand,
And a small one a strong nation.

I, the Lord, will hasten it in its time."

Isaiah 60: 19-22

I held on to that Scripture as if my life depended on it. And truthfully, there were days when it did. Healing took time. More time than I wanted it to, but my days of sorrow did come to an end. Yours will too. 

I pray for you. I don't know your names, but God does. Do you have a Scripture to hold on to come hell or high water? If not, this one is ideal for women seeking freedom.

It's July and I'm "spring" cleaning. I came across the "2003 personal care card" I made in group therapy for survivors of sexual abuse. Here's what it included:

Overall Statement:

Believe more deeply
Hold your face up to the light
Even though for the moment you do not see it

Affirmation:

• I will rest in the unseen arms of my higher power (Today I would say Savior. Higher power is just where I was at the time)
• I search to find meaning in even my deepest pain
• I have the courage to compassionately detach from others when necessary
• I give myself credit for what I am doing to heal
• I know what I feel (this was big for me because I was usually numb)

Supportive friends:

I had three phone numbers I could call during an emotional crisis.

Comfort I can give myself:

• sleep with a stuffed animal (I had a stuffed monkey named George that I slept with as a child. I still have him and when the memories got overwhelming, I took him off the shelf and slept with him. My precious husband would bring him to me if I forgot.)
• take a bubble bath
• buy a box of crayons and color
• paint
• journal
• garden
• exercise

*My counselor encouraged us to keep our cards with us at all times. It may sound weird, but it helped. It got me focused when I felt like the world was caving in on me.

Somehow I went from keeping that card with me at all times to not realizing it was tucked away in an old journal. It's been years since I thought about it. We can and do heal (repeat three times out loud).

"Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He [she] who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing bringing his [her] sheaths with him [her]." Psalm 126: 5-6

It's a promise. Cry, it's only right to, but keep moving forward. You're doing great. Keep one hand in God's and reach out to encourage someone else when you can (bear seed for sowing) and your harvest will come. God is faithful. Bless you today, sweet daughters of the Most High.

Will you make yourself a personal care card today?

It's very brave of you to ask. I'm so sorry for what you've been through and for what you are now experiencing. I really do know how you feel. I also know that there is hope for you, so don't give up on yourself. You're worth fighting for!

Initially, I attended group therapy at an organization called The Family Place, in Dallas, Texas. It was free, and I needed it to be. Most cities will offer programs of this nature. I would suggest doing a Google search on: free therapy for sexual abuse; include your city and state, and see what comes up.

You may also inquire through area hospitals that offer in and out-patient programs for things of this nature. Most of them require insurance, but they may be helpful in directing you to sponsored programs if you need one.

For what to do during flashbacks and body-memories: go to "select a category" and click on sexual abuse.

There are two blogs in particular that will encourage and equip you with practical solutions that you can begin using today.

1. How Do I Overcome the Memories of Sexual Abuse
2. The Early Days of Healing from Sexual Abuse: Where do you start when you don't know where to start? 

Hope this helps. And remember, We can and do heal.

"Many a time they have afflicted me from my youth; Yet they have not prevailed against me." (Psalm 129:2 )

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3)

"All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why."  
                                                --James Thurber

 If you've spent your life running from your past, that's probably the last thing you want to read, but I happen to agree with Mr. Thurber on this one. I look back now and it's clear to me that the more energy I spent running from my past the more bound to it I became. How's that for a paradox?

I know it's hard. But I also know that victory is yours for the claiming. It's the unfolding of it that will bring you kicking and screaming through the heart of the matter.

Go ahead, look back. God is with you and He won't leave you there forever. You'll be there just long enough to discover how truly beloved you are in His eyes and when you awaken to that truth you will no longer be powerless. 

The longer I study the Bible, the more I see God's heart for women. He cherishes us and wants to empower us to make a difference in the world. It breaks my heart when I think of all the times I projected onto God the motives of what broken men have done to harm me.

I realize now that everytime I said, "All men are ..." I was refusing my own repair and blinding my own eyes to the honor and restoration God can bring through the knowledge of the good men out there.

Healing from sexual abuse is a process that cannot be munipulated by man. Maintain steady communication with God through everything. And I mean everything. Keep your eyes on Him and you will come to know and believe the Savior. Stop running. Come face to face with from, and to, and why. If it helps you to know, I kicked, screamed, cussed, drank...all the things that the church of my youth warned me against. And I discovered a Love that didn't take offense. He saw my heart. He understood why I behaved that way, and His love made me better.

I asked Him, "Jesus, who are you, and who was I supposed to be before a thousand unwanted touches? And one day I looked in the mirror and I no longer saw a victim. I saw the reflection of a woman who had been to hell and back, with no outward signs of hell. I saw strength and redemption. I saw a woman with a testimony so powerful that it could encourage other women to heal. Through Christ, I am empowered.

You can be too. When we refuse to look back, we refuse to walk through the very door that will bring us through and compell us to live forward. 

What are you running from? Will you consider facing it to move forward and finally be free?

She was my first sponsor in a long journey of twelve-stepping. I met her in 1997. She was a survivor, like me, and one of the first questions she asked was, "How do you treat yourself?"

Was she crazy? I'd never thought about it one way or the other and that was the response she got from me. She then asked me a question that literally pierced my heart. "If the broken parts of you were a little girl, how would you say you treat her? Journal about it."

When I sat down to write, my answer to her question was heartbreaking. The truth was, I didn't take good care of myself. I withheld water from myself when I was thirsty. If I had to go to the bathroom, I would make myself wait until I had finished all of my housework. I frequently denied myself sleep and food. I watched television shows about abuse, knowing it would cause me great pain. Without realizing it, I continued abusive behavior in areas where my abuser had left off. 

I wouldn't think of treating a child in such a way. And so began the baby steps to winning my strength and dignity back. It started with drinking a glass of water when I was thirsty. Going to the bathroom when I first felt the need. Eating when I was hungry. Sleeping when I was sleepy. Simple, but not easy. 

Those who have not suffered childhood victimization, may never understand the emotional and spiritual dynamics behind the mountain survivors face. But know that we can and do overcome.

My question for you today is, "How do you treat yourself? If you were caring for you as a little girl, would that little girl flourish or wither under your care? Are you meeting her needs or neglecting her?"

Use a journal to take an inventory of how you treat yourself throughout the day. For example: Do you ignore thirst or hunger? Are you willing to kneel before God and ask Him to empower you to take better care of youself? What will that look like in practical ways? Maybe you'll feel the need to pray or perhaps throw the journal across the room. But whatever you do, don't stop going to God and don't give up.

Find a good counselor/therapist who specializes in child sexual abuse. I still believe the best counselors on this subject are the ones who have personally experienced it and now live the life of an over comer. It's important that he/she understands your struggles and that you feel "heard" while you're in their office. 

There are some really good counselors out there, but you have to be willing to look for them. Remember, they didn't all graduate at the top of their class and they're not all in it for the right reasons. I've personally known more bad counselors than good ones, but I never allowed that to be an excuse for giving up. And you can't afford to either.

I encourage you to make a list of traits you would like to see in a therapist or counselor. for example, is it important to you that they have had personal experience in the areas that you wish to overcome?

How do you treat yourself?

Sexual abuse is a subject that we, the church body avoids like the plague...probably because it is one. I'm sure there are women who healed instantaneously. I'm sure of it because I know that in Christ all things are possible. I've just never met one. I would be willing to bet that more often than not it's a process. Not because God delights in our suffering, but because He delights in our company and in making us strong and effective in a world that once stripped away our dignity. Metaphorically speaking, there's no way to avoid going to the gym with this one. It's how we develop spiritual muscle, (if only it burned calories).

I believe in some ways I will be healing for the rest of my life. I say that because during the course of my life, more will be revealed and therefore, more will be healed. But the gut-wrenching, I-want-to-die-or-at-least-consume-large-amounts-of-liquor part of healing only lasted one year. And then I spent another two years after that seeking God and wrestling Him. I didn't understand why healing took so long and hurt so badly. I was seeking, praying, studying, and crying to Him, but it all seemed so unfair.

I'll never forget sitting in a church service when the pastor began speaking of a woman who approached him after a sermon he had preached on submitting to authority. In so many words, she told him what he could do with his beliefs of submission. During the course of their conversation it surfaced that she was sexually abused as a little girl. He then told the congregation that he laid hands on her, prayed, and she was healed. I was knee-deep in my own healing process at the time and thought to myself, I bet she was. I bet she walked right out of there and never had another memory or feeling of dread.

But the pastor wasn't arrogant. In fact, I have the up most respect for him. I just think the church is a bit behind on understanding the long term effects of sexual abuse on the women and men who endure it and how it affects every aspect of their lives. Because if we really understood the pain, it would be reflected in how we approach and encourage those who are struggling. I say "we", because I represent part of the church; meaning the body of Christ. I'm not here to peddle a program, I'm here to point you to Jesus, who by the way, must be the center of whatever it is you're doing to heal--to the measure of joyfulness and usefulness that makes life worth living again. 

If you're not there yet, I encourage you to continue reading my blog anyway. What do you have to lose? God allowed me my own process of coming to Him, and He will graciously do the same for you. So what does it mean when Christ is in the center of your healing process? Well, from my experience, it means He must now be invited into the center of your pain. If you're a Christian, you once invited Him into your heart. "Jesus, I believe you died on a cross for my sins and rose again. Come into my heart and be my Savior."

So the next prayer might be something like, "Jesus, I hurt. I want to be healed. Come into the center of my pain, heal my wounds, and set me free." And then get ready to go where He leads you. And get ready to feel more of what you would do anything to stop feeling (just a while longer and with breaks in between). This is where relationship is developed and trust is built. And it's worth the struggle. I promise.

In the simplest of terms, this is how it works for me: I'm driving in my car listening to the radio. A song comes on that brings back horrible memories. I used to believe that I had only two choices: I could listen to the song and torture myself, or I could change the station and shove that memory right back in the pit it came from. Either way, I would later take my frustration out on the nearest loved one for the remainder of the day.

But now my healing processes always begin with a prayer. For example; "Jesus, I hate that song. It reminds me of the time...If you want me to listen to it and grieve in Your presence, I will. If you want me to turn it off and sit in silence with you, I will. You are God over that day and over the pain it brought. Be my comfort in this moment."

And then I let Him comfort me. What I noticed about this wonderful process is that over time, in His perfect presence, with absolutely no condemnation, I became aware of my sinful and hurtful reactions to the harm done to me. I wasn't responsible for the abuse I endured as a child, but I was beginning to feel responsible for the way I "coped" and I felt responsible for the harm it brought to the people I loved the most. I began to see that I had a few things to confess myself. I needed His forgiveness.

I asked for it, and He gave it. He began healing the hurt that ran so deeply for so long. And three years later, I knew it was time to forgive my abuser. And I miraculously had it in my heart to give. For real. And now I'm free. Forgiveness

See what I mean? It's a process. And if I could go back in time and choose instant healing over what I went through, I would choose the long way. Because it was on that road that I discovered how beautifully my hand fits in my Savior's.

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me,
Because the Lord has anointed Me,
To preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison doors to
those who are bound" Isaiah 60:1 NKJV).

You will have a process of your own...different prayers, different circumstances that trigger different memories. Possibly entirely different scenery on your road to healing. Different struggles. Same Savior.      

Where do you start when you don't know where to start? My heart goes out to women who wonder how they're going to make it through another day with that question following them everywhere they go.

I'm gonna lay it on the line. It only takes a few seconds on this website to conclude that I'm a Christian. But I didn't start out that way. I had huge issues with the church and so for a long time Jesus was not welcome on my journey to healing. You'll get the full story this summer when my book comes out. It was a big step for me to make a commitment to getting help and an even bigger step to ask God along--God, not Jesus. I was hurt in church as a little girl and so by the time I was in my twenties, I wouldn't have uttered the name Jesus at gun point.  

Initially, I attended a state funded women's center that provided free counseling to abused women. It wasn't religious, so it was a good fit for me in the beginning. I know a lot of Christians that freak out over the idea of that, but hey, God can work miracles through anything. And He accepts us as we are.

The great thing about that program was that it taught me some very fundamental techniques for making it through bad memories without completely unraveling emotionally. Because first things first, you need to be able to function to even go to therapy or study a Bible. As I write this, I realize that it won't make sense to those who have never been abused.

I used to tell my husband that when the memories rolled in, my head felt like the way a sink full of water looks after you lift the drain. You just sort of spiral into a dark pit. So some of those "non-Christian" techniques kept me from killing myself.

After several months of therapy, I could cope, but the secret hole in my heart remained. I had been praying to God in general ways for years, and finally decided to buy a Christian workbook titled Breaking Free, authored by Beth Moore. I had decided that I would go looking for Jesus in the Bible and give Him a chance to be real to me. I had nothing to lose.

There was something about the word of God in that study that began to stir my heart. And I finally spoke the name Jesus. I asked Him who he was and who I was supposed to be. And He showed up in my heart and then proceeded to get all up in my pain. And that's the only healing process I know of that works.

It didn't happen over night, but it did happen. If I had healed over night, the odds are that I wouldn't be taking the time to help other women. And even if I had wanted to, I wouldn't have had the daily experiences to share. I've discovered over the years that my deepest wound entrusted to God has become my greatest weapon against evil. If you go to the resource page, you'll see a PDF file titled Reality Bites. You can print it out and buy a journal or spiral notebook to write your answers to the questions. It's a great place to start and it's something you can share with a therapist, counselor, or pastor (and don't forget...God).

Also on the resource page: an 800 number to a hot-line that will locate a counselor for you in your area.

Hope this helps. God is with you. You matter to Him. "It," whatever "it" is, matters to Him. But no one can make that discovery for you. No matter what, don't give up. You are worth fighting for. I realize now that the lessons learned through my toughest years of healing were never just for me. God had you in mind as well. Don't give up.

"To give light to those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death. To guide our feet into the way of peace." Luke 1:79 

I spent years wondering the same thing. As a matter of fact, I once spent four days in a mental institution to keep from killing myself, and it was there that I first asked myself that question.

There was a woman who shuffled around in a bath robe, heavily medicated, who read the Bible to everyone. She routinely "preached" to those of us who just wanted to smoke our cigarettes in silence, while wearing a T shirt that read: It's Who you know that determines where you go. I remember thinking Lady, you're in a nut ward with me!

I hope you have a twisted sense of humor--it helps in the healing process. Okay, now for my answer.

First I would like to clarify that I'm not referring to the people who only go to church on Sundays, never read their Bibles, or spend time with God. So please don't confuse them with the authentic seekers I am referring to. I once heard Joyce Meyer say that if she hung out in a garage all day it wouldn't make her a car, so hanging out in church on Sundays doesn't make a Christian.

I know women who love God. They really do. They go to church, study their Bibles, and give back to their communities. They want their lives to be an authentic example of Christianity. But if we are truly following Christ on a daily basis, He's going to ask us to follow Him into the painful places in our hearts. Not because He wants us to suffer, but because He wants us to be free.

That's what He did with me. And I discovered two things about that process that will separate the girls from the women. When I said yes to facing my past, my behavior took a turn for the worse. Initially, I confirmed what He saw in my heart with a few swear words and by not treating others with respect. Then I downshifted into "coping" with the pain instead of depending on Him. For example, smoking, abusing alcohol, shopping . . . if by now you can relate, then name your poison.

All that "bad" behavior presents a problem for those of us who sincerely want to be good Christian examples, because Satan is faithful to put an onlooker in our paths when we're blowing our "Christian testimony." And that's enough reason for many to remain unhealed. They would rather stuff their pain and maintain their "good" behavior than risk the expression of an unhealed wound. And I don't think it's generally a decision made from a point of vanity. Many a devout Christian has painted herself into a "spiritually mature" corner that leaves no room for a very human grieving process.

Here's what I have learned: You can trust God with the outcome. Hang in there; get professional help if needed, but keep in mind that time alone with God is essential to your healing process. The bad behavior will eventually subside, and you will emerge healed and way more compassionate toward others who are now going through what you just overcame.

The love of God covers a multitude of sin . . .

There were times when my children were small that I placed tough demands on them. Naps where missed, lunch was late, and during that last errand to the grocery store, inevitably, fits were thrown. But because I had required something difficult of them, I was merciful toward their behavior, whereas on any other day I might have swatted behinds.

God is no different. I'm not condoning bad behavior and neither does He. But I am saying that when He asks one of His children to face an abusive past, there is grace for the bad behavior that can't help but surface. He knows that He's asking a lot of you. He knows you are overwhelmed and frightened. Trust Him.

He will cover your sin and He'll also take care of the people you blew it in front of. God is bigger than the mistakes we make when we're learning to trust Him as He calls us to go deeper. He always blesses those who are willing to follow Him through painful places.

So give yourself a break if you've just screwed up big time. If you messed up, fess up. Now keep movin'!

 "I have blotted out, like a thick cloud, your transgressions, And like a cloud, your sins. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you" (Isaiah 44:22 NKJV).

"As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust" (Psalm 103:13-14 NIV).

My answer has two parts: First: a 9-1-1 emergency "coping response" that I learned in therapy, which has proved to be very effective in the midst of a complete meltdown.  

Second: The tried and true foundational response once you have regained your footing in the present day (which simply means that you are aware of your current age and your surroundings).

First things first, get back into the present date.

Look around, and identify what you see. For example: blue car, green tree, the name of your toddler or husband, brown sofa, etc.
It's important that you speak loudly enough to hear your own voice. It will pull you back into the moment. Try it, you'll see.

Now for the heart of the matter, you'll need to go to my resource page, and click on the PDF file titled: Reality Bites. These are the answers that will transform more than a moment of defeat, over time, they'll transform a defeated life. I've been where you are, and I know this to be true. I don't get paid to do this. I'm here to give back to you what was freely given to me. Bless you, my sister survivor.  

*Don't think that you have to graduate from the first response to the second. You'll most likely discover that there are days when they are both needed. That has been true for me. 

God, save the little ones. Not everyone is sent to bed with a hug and a story. For many, the monsters are real. Bless the children who will lie down in hunger tonight. They've never slept in princess or super hero pajamas. Embrace adult survivors and impart the courage they need to face their pasts and walk in freedom.

Convict our nation with the reality of what we teach our children by using sex as a marketing tool. Grant discernment to the parents who unknowingly place their children in the hands of unsafe caregivers.

Open our eyes to see the hearts of our children. We ask for and receive the willingness to step out of our comfort zones, and bring hope to those who are bound in despair. Create a path for the fatherless, that they may be made whole in Your presence. Amen.

"It is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish." (Matthew 18:14 NKJV)

"Most of the women in this support group cry every time we meet, and I don't see them healing! If I have to cry to heal, then I'm really in trouble."

That was my usual response to the counselor who insisted that I would have to cry to heal. I couldn't have cried even if I had wanted to. Tears to me, invoked a vulnerability I wasn't ready for. I journaled instead:

Tiny boxes, filled with pain

Clouds of tears, but still no rain

Mystical winds blowing through our souls

God save the children

Too weak to say no.

Poem written in 2003. I have since cried a river of tears in the presence of God, and He was faithful to heal the hurt. My sweet counselor however, only saw me cry twice. If you're in therapy and you can't bring yourself to cry, don't be hard on yourself. Continue therapy, but also spend time alone with God in the privacy of your home. When you begin to believe that God can be trusted with your pain, you'll finally grieve and freedom begins.

If your wondering what you need to do in His presence. My answer is nothing. Sit quietly if you like. Or if you're mad, say you're mad. God is big and He can take it. It's the very presence of God that transforms us. It matters little what kind of mood you're in that day.

"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust.' Surely He shall deliver you from the snare . . ." (Psalm 91:1-3 NKJV)