No one likes rejection. Rejection hurts--whether you're being rejected by someone you care for, or someone with whom you have no real emotional attachments. In both circumstances, confession is the key to overcoming the pain it causes. Simply allow yourself time to grieve or feel uncomfortable, or both.

For decades, I unknowingly gravitated toward people who were likely to reject me. Then one day I had a conversation with someone that marked the beginning of the end of my bizarre attraction to people that were likely to break my heart.

Her name is Suzanne. She was my sponsor at the time. I'd called her to complain about how my boyfriend had broken my heart . . . again. She listened for about ten minutes and then offered a few solutions. But I ignored her solutions and continued to talk about the problem. So, she interrupted me and said, "Let's talk later. You're clearly enjoying the problem."

"How can you be so insensitive?

"Wendy, I listened to you long enough to know what the problem is. I acknowledged your circumstances. I validated your pain. But you weren't open to my suggestions because your flesh loves the problem too much to let it go. That's your real problem. Call me when you're ready to do something different."

"Fine. Bye."

I hung up the phone, irritated. Deep down I knew she was right. But my thoughts went over and over my circumstances for the better part of the day, and gave my flesh more time to bask in the drama before calling her back.

Eventually, I called her back. And while I didn't gravitate toward solutions overnight, I did so gradually. By the end of that year, I'd learned something about myself that I couldn't see before.  

When I was abused, a spirit of rejection and worthlessness attached itself to me; as I grew in the physical realm--it grew in the spiritual. Everything with the capacity to grow needs nourishment. Not everything in my heart is good for me, but it remains a living force that seeks survival.

Have you heard the expression: Starve the flesh. Feed the spirit? Well, in order for the spirit of rejection to thrive, it must continue to experience betrayal and rejection. It has quite an appetite for unhealthy relationships. Never under estimate the power of this pull.

In Christ, I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37). Back then, I was more comfortable as a victim--it was predictable. I wanted the Savior to defeat the spirit of rejection, with no action required on my part, and then tell me about the battle over dinner. But Jesus wanted me to know who I am and what I am capable of in Him. He wanted to take me by the hand, walk me over to the bully's house, restore my dignity, and watch me get the ball back! Now, that makes for good dinner conversation.

In His presence, we must all die to self, but unlike Jesus, who suffered silently, our flesh resists the death of pride by refusing to get still and quiet and feel. Have you ever prayed to change and then acted worse for a season, or decided to break away from an unhealthy person only to feel more drawn to him/her? It's the great internal conflict we must overcome to be free.

When we seek to overcome to the exclusion of our own comfort, we are redeemed and restored. But in everything there is seed, time, and harvest. What we plant now will either choke out the harvest of despair from past hurt and rejection--or strengthen it.

Here's a practical example:

Years ago, I knew a man who got involved with an unhealthy woman who continually broke his heart. Each time he swore he would have nothing to do with, he called her, only to suffer more pain and more rejection. One day, after renewing his resolve to stay away from her, he created two signs. He hung one over his phone and one on his front door. They read: FOR MORE PAIN--CALL HER. FOR EVEN MORE PAIN--GO SEE HER.

The hard part is, not calling and not seeing her also caused him pain. But this type of pain (suffered with Jesus), eventually comes to an end. And that end comes with a reward: Freedom from the spirit of rejection.

If you're struggling to end an unhealthy relationship, I encourage you to feel your pain constructively.

"Sorrow is better than laughter, for by a sad countenance, the heart is made better" (Ecclesiastes 7: 3 NKJV).

Can you relate? Are you beginning to see that your spirit is strengthened in Christ when you recognize that betrayal and rejection feeds the very hurt you desire to overcome? Choose your relationships wisely. Just because you feel drawn to a certain person does not mean he/she is good for you.

Love is patient and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NJKV)

Here it is. Divine instruction on how to not hurt someone. And with it, the hope of how the love of God will un-hurt a broken heart.  

Michael and I recently committed to reading this scripture once a day, while alone in our quiet time, and then together before we go to sleep; for twenty-one days. And it's transforming the way we communicate to one another.

Now, when I'm rude, I feel a check in my spirit and apologize. I've never been this sensitive to what love is and what love isn't. The word of God is medicine.

Verses 11 and 12 reveal a deeper meaning to me:

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child,; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

We all have self-preceptions in relationships, be it marriage, parenthood, friendship, or acquaintances. I have beliefs about the type of wife I am to my husband, but God has revealed to me that it's not my perception that matters--it's my husband's. In other words, not how I see myself, but how I am known by him.

How the people in our lives know us is inversely proportional to how affective we are in loving them God's way. If we want to see a real reflection of ourselves, then the word of God must be our mirror. If we do not spend time in His word, we see dimly.

Will you consider reading the thirteenth chapter of 1 Corinthians everyday for twenty one days? A great exercise before you get started is to first describe how you see yourself in a particular relationship and then ask that person to describe how they see you. Write it all down, allow 1 Corinthians to sift through both views and reveal the truth. (I know, I know, but this is how we grow up!)

This is the love that heals. A gift from God.

*Disclaimer

There are times when no matter how committed we are, some will only have a negative view. It's unavoidable, we can't please everybody all the time, but we can love God's way, and leave outcomes where they belong; in His hands.  

Most of us, at one time or another, attempt to micro-manage someone elses realtionship with God. Wives are often pre-occupied with their husband's spirituality: Is he reading his bible as much as I read my bible? Is he REALLY singing the songs during worship or just mouthing them because he feels me watch him? Is he praying? Is he growing? Is he becoming the man of God Jesus wants him to be for me? It's exhausting, isn't it?--human arrogance. A friend once confessed that she stages her husband's bible on the kitchen counter, then watches to see how many days pass before it's been moved. I wanted to say, "Really? You poor thing." But truth is, I've done that, too.

What about our children? My husband and I have three sons. Two are grown, leaving us with one bird in the nest. So, I hope no one with a nest full of birdies will be offended when I say: You cannot make your children love God. I repeat, you cannot make your children love God. Ideally, children will seek God and pray to God because Light shines through their parents in ways they cannot help but want for themselves. Yes, we are to teach them His ways, but in the end, they must choose for themselves.

I know a woman who forced her children to study the Bible. She spent years force-feeding them Christianity. By the time they were old enough to decide for themselves, they didn't want anything to do with Jesus. This was not a mean-spirited woman. She loved the Lord. She was just so desperate for her children to love the Lord that she crossed over into manipulation.

What about churches? Can a church fall into the trap of micro-managing its members? Read the words of Paula D'Arcy, author of Gift of the Redbird: "We are well practiced in seeking wisdom from the study of Scripture, which is of course also alive. 'In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God' (Gospel of John).  We are also comfortable seeking God in familiar forms of worship. We gather together, two or more, and honor the presence of Spirit in our midst. But too easily we begin imposing our considerable fears onto the Word and the gathering, wanting them to be controlled reflections of ourselves, rather than mighty expressions of God's power [empahsis added]. 

The Word and the gathering must be as expansive as the wilderness if we want to know their truths. Each of us in our own heart must face our nakedness. When we gather only with those of like mind, or we read only the words agreed upon by the particular authorities who make us feel secure, then we will find exactly what we sought, and nothing greater.

There is no such authority and no such safety in the wilderness. There is only God. There is your own name being called and your own response . . . "

I love her words! And I do not minimize the Christian imperative to walk under authority. But I'll admit, I wonder how often religious organizations groom members to become controlled expressions of the founding pastor's by-laws rather than nurture and release individuals to be the mighty expressions of the power GOD deposits in them.

If you're knee-deep in "how-to" classes in church, don't get your undies in a twist. I'm just wondering out loud: What if the Power Point's "how-to" isn't HOW God wants to work through YOU? You are free to imagine someone putting tape over my mouth, but if you're a sister in Christ, then classify me as yet another irritating family member whom you're genetically called to love. :)

Ask yourself: Do I recognize and respect the multiple expressions of God's love and power through others, or do I expect them to be controlled reflections of how His love and power flow through me? Am I attempting to control how God is expressed through someone else? Is someone else attempting to control me?

"For it is God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us" (2 Corinthians 4:6-7 NKJV).

I firmly believe that God uses the people who frustrate or perhaps even infuriate us, to reveal more of what needs to change inside our own hearts. For years, I was a woman with a "short fuse." When life didn't go my way, I didn't know how to live. So I threw fits. Which is why God put Suzanne in my life.

"Wendy, if you squeeze a lemon, what comes out of the lemon?"

"Lemon juice, Suzanne. Why are you asking me this? It's a silly question."

"Because I want you to understand that life will always squeeze you with irritating people and unfavorable circumstances that you cannot control. Your reactions, in other words, what comes out of you when you are squeezed, belong to you. No one makes you behave a certain way. You, and only you, are responsible for your temper. Fortunately, you were not created to have a bad temper inside of you the way lemons were created to store lemon juice. Are you willing to believe that God will bring about change if you cooperate with Him?

"Yes, Suzanne."

How do you react when life "squeezes" you? Do you lose your temper? Slip into depression and climb into bed? Abuse alcohol? Take drugs? Shop? Starve yourself?

I encourage you today to ask God to hold a mirror in front of you and then grace you with eyes to see. Confess what you see, ask Him to forgive you, and then continue asking Him each day to teach you His ways. And be patient with yourself. One day at a time, sweet friend, one day at a time.

What does this have to do with healing? Just do it, and you'll discover the answer for yourself. Bless you, today!

In 1997 (a time when my life was falling spectacularly apart), I entered into my first mentoring relationship (a.k.a. sponsorship, if you happen to be a twelve-stepper). I was lonely, I was afraid, I was lonely. One of the first principles my mentor taught me about friendship is: You must first become the kind of friend you want to have.

I made a list of attributes I wanted in a friend and sought God for blessed transformation. Over time, I became that friend. Over a decade later, I still had not "reaped what I sowed". I was exhausted from giving to friends who did not give back. Seriously, I had a friend whom I invited over for dinner quite regularly, who once threw a party, asked me to bake the dessert, but never invited me to her party. And I actually baked dessert, took it to her house and said, "Have a great time!" Oh, how I weep for the woman I once was!

At age forty-three, this is what I learned when I examined my "friendships." I had become a good friend to everyone but myself. In my quest for approval, I was willing to be quite callous with my own heart. Ouch! And I'll tell you where it all started: in church. I was rejected in church as a little girl by legalistic authorities and somewhere along the line, I came to believe that when "religious" people accept me as I am, God will. Double ouch!

That's why I never "reaped what I sowed". I wasn't sowing friendship, I was seeking God's approval and acceptance. Something I've had all along! I'm free today-- to be a good friend to myself and others. And now I reap real friendships!

Are you lonely? List the attributes you want in a good friend. Grow in those attributes. Become that friend to yourself, first. From there, true friendships blossoms!

My two oldest sons are from a previous marriage. (to my high school Algebra teacher). He didn't think much of me after the divorce and took great delight in upsetting me with rude comments. For years I fell for it and lost my temper, until I discovered that when I remained calm and polite, it bothered him. I know, I know, it's not a pure motive to be kind but give me a break . . . from "glory to glory", right?

For two years I maintained politeness regardless of what he said to me. And then one day I blew it. I'll spare you the details of what he said to me, but confess to you that my parting phrase to him began with the letter F.

Now those without sin can cast the first stone.

My only regret was that I let him get the best of me. I still remember my prayer. "Dear God, please forgive me for what I said. And please forgive me for not really being sorry for what I said. Amen."

Who do I call for a quick shot of conviction? My friend, the pastor's wife. Surely she will set me straight. I imagined her gasp at my confession; a loving, but stern rebuke, accompanied by a reminder that godly women should maintain a graceful continence. Instead, I experienced a moment of silence, followed by giggling. "I'm sorry," she said. I know my laughter is highly inappropriate!"

I love this women. She knows me--knows that I don't normally use foul language. I'm human afterall. Not long afterward, I felt authentic conviction for my reaction. But with no condemnation.

Moving on.

Can you think of a time when God allowed inappropriate laughter to ease the pain of of losing your temper? Did authentic conviction arise?

I've been praying and listening. And so far, for me anyway, an acquaintance is someone familiar to me, through work, church, recovery programs, things of that nature.

They may or may not have access to me at home, but I am to be clear on that boundary, and honest in my communication, with an understanding that God can trump my boundaries and inconvenience me anytime He wants.

Here's why boundaries are so important: For many years I was involved in a twelve-step program. I sponsored other women and I had sponsors as well. When I made the transition from twelve-stepping to church home groups, I naturally expected to be able to call my group leaders at home, with no consideration of whether they had the time or energy for me. I thought nothing of calling frequently, because it is acceptable to most sponsors. The problem was, my church life group leader and his wife did not "sponsor". I look back today and can see how draining I must have been. Bet they were grateful for caller I.D.

And now that I have allowed God to remove the plank from my eye, I can see clearly how important it is (particularly for those in leadership positions) to identify their boundaries and share honestly what they are. The couple I am referring to have huge hearts for God, wanted to help me, but didn't have the resources I needed. Every one is worthy of receiving help, but we must learn to pause and ask God if it is His will for us to be the one who helps or if we are to refer them to someone better equipped. And then respond to His voice; in love. 

There will be times when we discover that our helping in the spiritual realm will require a lack of action in the physical.

It sounds harsh, but there have been many occasions when I thought someone should have helped me, but thank God no one was available. It caused me to cry out to God Himself. If I had not spent time with Him during those times, I believe I would have refused the full measure of healing He had for me. Plus sometimes God delights in showing off with a miracle or two.

In the seven years I participated in a twelve-step program, I had one sponsor who knew her boundaries and honestly communicated them to me. She told me from the very beginning that she would not answer my calls after 6:00 pm on weeknights or over the weekends because that time was reserved for her husband and small children. I always respected that.

Will you prayerfully consider who your acquaintances are and ask God to reveal healthy boundaries in those relationships? If you're married, ask your husband how he feels about the time you spend on the phone "helping" others. Does he or your children ever feel neglected?

We'll be spending a few days on this topic. I'll keep the title consistant and label it by Part 1,2,3. 

A year ago several people told me that this ministry would not look like I thought it would. Up until now I wasn't sure what they meant. I launched The Medicine Place hoping to encourage and validate women who have been sexually abused. But it's gravitating toward something more than that. It's quickly becoming a ministry for women seeking encouragement through  a variety of circumstances.

That certainly includes sexual abuse, but if you've spent any time reading my previous blogs then you know that I am a woman who has suffered much, but that I live my life cradled in the redemptive arms of a Love so powerful that human limitation prevents me from fully grasping it.

In layman's terms: The good Lord has delivered me and my family from layers of crazy! :)

As long as there is breath in my body, I will continue to experience a deeper measure of His redeeming love. And I will continue to humbly share those miracles of redemption so you will know that you are not alone.

God is all up in my business again, only this time it's not in the earth-shattering stuff like abuse or addiction. It's in the little things. For example, some of the long-term relationships I have that leave me feeling drained, but I haven't said anything because I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings or (and this is selfish), suffer the ill opinion of another.

Jesus is always on the move. Once again He has invited me to walk with Him on the narrow, less traveled roads of my heart. It's dark; I don't know the way, and the only light at the end of the tunnel is the assurance that He will never leave me or forsake me.

Just me, Jesus, and a sign that reads "Authentic Friend or Acquaintance"?

He wants me to understand that there is a difference. As women, we need to know the fundamental differences between the two. Our lack of understanding in this area often spreads us too thin and our husbands and children feel neglected.

In a few days, we will touch on those differences. Until then, think of your "friends". Which ones make you smile and which ones make you grateful for caller I.D. ?

I have never considered before today, the full meaning of the word: gossip. I can keep a secret. If you confide in me and ask me not tell anyone, it's done--no worries. Because that comes easily to me I was deceived into believing that I never gossip. In fact, I've judged those who can't keep secrets. God, in His merciful love, recently shed light on the whole truth of gossip by revealing that another side to it resided in my own heart: complaining to one person about another person's behavior.

I have a close friend who I consider to be more like a sister. So I have a family-love for her. A few days ago, I became annoyed with her and complained to my husband. I didn't recognize it as gossip because to me it was no different than the times I complain to one family member about another. Surely God doesn't object to complaints made within a family, right?

Well, it depends on the context of the conversation and the people involved. In the healthiest relationships, be it a marriage/family, or friendship, two people should have the freedom to voice a complaint to one another. It's how we exercise conflict-resolution and when done in a respectful manner, trust grows.

This means that the only person I should have expressed my feelings to is my friend; period. If it had been something serious, maybe wise counsel would have been in order prior to the conversation, (from my spouse, pastor, or mentor) but in this case it wasn't necessary at all. I had two spiritually mature options: talk to my friend or let it go. I did neither. Instead, I voiced an emotionally charged complaint to my husband, who sat within ear-shot of our son, who told his friend, who told his mom (my friend)--how quickly a mouth can start a fire.

Needless to say, my friend was hurt and angry; understandably so. I often ask God to keep me humble under His mighty hand. As you can see, He is happy to oblige. I still make stupid mistakes. I still hurt the ones I love the most on occasion, but I am growing. I won't tell myself to be more careful the next time I complain. I won't tell my son that he shouldn't repeat what he hears me say.

I will acknowledge that my behavior has upset two little boys, and one of the best friends a girl could ask for, which grieves God's Holy Spirit. And that grieves me.  

I thank God that I am forgiven, who removes both sin and guilt, though not the consequences. There is hope for me in spite of me, for God disciplines those He loves.

"Blows that hurt cleanse away evil, As do stripes the inner depths of the heart."(Proverbs 20:30 NKJV)

"My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; For who the  Lord loves He chastens..."(Hebrews 12:5 NKJV)

"Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."(Matthew 7:5 NKJV)

How about you? Do you see yourself in my story? Let's agree today that the only good reason to voice a complaint is to bring resolution and peace. If we need to "vent" we can cry out to God, who will minister to our emotions, give us the discernment to know when a difficult conversation is meritted, and equip us to have it; honorably.

*a note to survivors:Today's story is not intended to discourage you from expressing pent up emotion in a safe environment under the guidance of a counselor or mentor. That's a separate issue.