The Saxton household (me, Michael, Christopher, Matthew, and Zach), had no hope of reconciliation not many years ago. Today we bear witness that God heals families. Little by little, He continues to heal each of us, though none of our journeys look the same. 

Last Sunday morning, our oldest son called to wish Michael, my husband, a happy Father's Day. The irony of that call is that his biological father, who was never drug-addicted, has no interest in fathering him. I don't say that with judgement. He lost his father to cancer when he was a teenager and suffered tremendous pain and loss. He simply has not healed. My father, in many ways has not healed.  

I remember well, the hurt I caused myself and others before I healed. And I remember when there came a time when Michael was not healthy enough to be around the children (we once lived separately for two years due to his addiction). Today, he's a great dad--a clean and sober, gentle, loving, protective, nurturing, participate-in-your-life dad.

As for me, I still don't know my father. I know he's a cancer survivor. I know he loves me in his own way. And because God Himself promises to be a father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5), I can call my dad on Father's Day and smile as we talk about the weather.

What kind of relationship do you have with your father? Is he "Great Dad" or "Detached Dad"? Prayerfully consider how you can take steps toward getting to know your father. If it's not a possibility, make a list of what you needed from him, but didn't receive, and tell it to the Father whose love will not fail you.

Last weekend was a bitter-sweet celebration for me. My youngest son, Zach, is being raised in godly confidence. No drama. Yes, my husband and I have disagreements, but we no longer wound our children with the ill-effects of our own childhoods.

Friday was filled with "boy fun." We took Zach and two of his friends to see Iron Man and then my husband, Michael, put the tent up in the backyard and they slept outside with our yellow lab. I fed them junk and strung lights from the trees. It was a good day.When I climbed into bed that night, I found myself a little sad that my two older sons didn't have moments like that when they were young. They were loved, no doubt about it. But I was a troubled soul. Their formative years were spent coping with our family dysfunction. (My temper and Michael's drug relapses.)

The good news is that God continues to redeem the past. Which saves (literally saves) me from a life of guilt over not providing them with a more emotionally secure environment as they grew. My oldest son is now twenty-two. He took me and my mother to IHOP for breakfast and had dinner with us that night. I'm so proud of who he is--thoughtful and hardworking. 

His brother is nineteen. He's out on his own and finding his way. I know he'll get there. He called me on Sunday and is having dinner with us tonight. I continue to see God work in all of us. We're a family. And though I don't get a do-over with their childhoods, I do get to enjoy them as my adult children. I have the rest of my life to be there for them--to remain a steady source of encouragement and support.

Through Christ, all things are possible. Too many families give up on each other and go their separate ways. I'm so glad we didn't. Love never fails.

How about you? Any parenting regrets? Please consider confessing them to Christ and asking Him to redeem them. We all make mistakes with our children. We can't go back and change the past, but we can commit to being godly parents throughout their adult lives. It's our longest season of influence.

Ask yourself: How do I want to influence my adult children and my grandchildren?

My own mother is a perfect example of this. She didn't raise me in a stable enviroment, but we now have a wonderful relationship. And she should get an olympic gold medal for grandmothering. She's a great mom! She rocks!

"A little, yeah." Alexander said, wincing.
Max took the tail of his wolf suit in his hand and licked it, using it to clean the wound.
Alexander smiled. "That's better. Thanks."
"I have to leave and go somewhere else now."
"Where?" Alexander asked.
"Anywhere. I ruin every place I go. I ruined this place, too. I... I didn't want Douglas's arm to... to get..."
Max couldn't say it.
"You didn't rip it off," Alexander said. "Carol did."

"But I wanted a fort. And I told Carol the sun would die. And I wanted secret doors..."
Alexander looked at Max like he was mad. "You really think you wrecked this island? You think you're that powerful? That you're the reason that everyone is happy or sad?

Max wanted to say No, but this is exactly what he was thinking. "But I hit you. I hit you a hundred times."
"Well, you did do that. No doubt about it."

Max finished cleaning the wound and dropped his tail. "That's why I need to leave. I don't want to ever do anything like that again."
"But you still might." Alexander said.
"But I don't want to."
"But you still might. Wherever you go."
Max wasn't sure if he was making himself clear.
"But I don't want to," he said.

Alexander barely paused. Instead, he smiled, as if Max was being particularly dense.
"But you still might."

They sat in the silence for a while, watching the rest of the beasts sleeping. In their slumber, the giant creatures were infant-like, almost cute, and at the same time pathetic, tragic, burdened by all they carried with them, far more than Max or Alexander could know. [end of excerpt]

Wow. I read this book with Zach, my eleven-year-old son. We both cried at the end. We truly hated for this beautiful book to come to an end. There, in the pages of a book written for children, is an illustration of love, acceptance of a painful truth, and forgiveness. The creatures in the story are no doubt dysfunctional, but they are... a family.

What about this story moved you or made you feel uncomfortable? Can you think of something about yourself that want to change, to no avail? Perhaps a loved one has relapsed into an addiction a hundred times. 

"God in heaven, let I pray, Your strength manifest in our weaknesses. Only you have the power to change us from the inside out. Direct our steps and grant us the courage to move out of destructive patterns. Amen"

*A disclaimer to anyone who suffers under domestic violence: This story is not meant to imply that fresh resolve and  apologies are enough. If you are in danger, it's important to get to a safe place, and give your family time to heal. There are many programs available. I know personally, a family who has healed from domestic violence, and are together to this day. Regardless of our circumstances, human beings do not have the power to rob one another of the redeeming love of God.

but one that my husband and I needed to make. I hated the thought of anyone feeling left out.

Asking Zach to invite the two boys he spends the most time with lately made it a little easier for him. It wasn't a contest about who he liked more, but rather a practical choice he was asked to make.

What about you? Do you feel obligated to invite the entire class or everyone your child spends time with? What do you do if you have a limited budget, but your child is requesting an expensive gift AND a big party?

We live in a day and age where fewer parents prepare their children for budgets, and tough choices. I still feel badly about the friends that didn't join us, but it felt good to do what worked best for our family this year, instead of going over budget and secretly wishing I was in a bar as my son blew out the candles on his cake!

Out of sheer insecurity, I now feel that it's necessary to tell you that my husband and I really do like kids. Before our two older sons moved out, it was not unusual for us to have nine boys ranging from ages five to seventeen on any given day. But as I mature, I find myself asking the question, "What works best for our family in our house?" As opposed to bowing to the vicious cycle of people-pleasing and resentment.

My husband makes a point to include Zach when he makes repairs. If Zach's bike breaks, he shows him how to fix it. He always provides an opportunity for our son to be part of the solution. Even if it's to simply identify and hand him a tool. I've been paying close attention, and I see the role this plays in building a young boys confidence. Couple that with the  teaching of the word of God, and you witness the making of a man.  

Sadly, my two older sons were not provided with similiar experiences during their formative years. Their biological father had little influence over them, and Michael and I were still very dysfunctional. But here's the good news. There is a reason we also call the Savior, Redeemer.

Jesus Redeems. Michael now takes advantage of every opportunity to allow our sons to be strong and effective. We've made many mistakes in the past, but we're forgiven, and God continues to give us new opportunities to be godly parents. So don't let the enemy convince you that all is lost if you have regrets about the way you've raised your children. You can be effective today.

Ask yourself:

Do I recognize teachable moments and take the time to teach my son? Or do I do everything for him because I either want it done "my" way, or I'm too busy to teach him.

* Take the time to build the relationship and watch a young boy's confidence level rise.

Never do something for your child that will deprive him of strength and effectiveness. The very definition of emasculate.

Will you ask God if there are any areas where you have unknowingly emasculated your son(s)?

For many years, I was too broken to know what my sons needed. I was just trying to get through each day, and I was convinced that doing most of the household chores somehow made my life run smoother. It gave me a sense of control, the one thing I desired during a childhood filled with abuse.  Meanwhile, my sons were missing opportunities to develope their confidence.

No guilt. This blog is not  meant to overwhelm you. It's meant to empower you. If you happen to be a survivor, it's one of the best gifts you can give yourself and your children; strength and effectiveness. Give them what you may have been robbed of as a child and you will witness the breaking of a generational curse and gain more ground on your journey to healing.

"There is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit." (Roman 8:1 NKJV)

It's very important to speak life over our husbands and not death. An example of death is something like: You'll never change! An example of life is: Thank you, Lord, that my husband is changing. Show me how I can better support your will in his life.

Now, don't panic. I'm not a "Stepford wife" (remember that movie?) and I'm not asking you to be one either. I used to think to myself, If one more person in ministry asks me to be supportive of my husband, I'm gonna jump off a cliff!...what about me? Don't I matter in all of this?

"They have healed the hurt of My people slightly, Saying, 'Peace, peace!' When there is no peace." (Jeremiah 6:14 NKJV)

Yes, as a matter of fact, you do. I had a major breakthrough after my husband's last relapse and neither of us have been the same since. 

I climbed into the bed in our guest bedroom (after one of those arguments), and got real with God, my Father. It went something like this:

"God, I know that you love me. I know that you love Michael. But, I'm not just his wife. I'm your daughter. You are my Daddy, and as your daughter, I'm telling You that my husband has hurt me.

I need to know that how I'm feeling right now matters to You. If I can just be assured of that, then I know I will be okay, but I can't ignore how broken and humiliated I feel beneath all of my "godly woman" responses. I can't do this anymore. I have faithfully been about your business, now I ask You to be about mine. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Peace came like a river. I will never forget how "held" I felt by my Father. It remains one of the top five defining moments in my Christian walk. To date, my husband has not relapsed.

Did you need to hear this today? Are you so busy trying to be a godly wife that you've forgotten how much a girl needs her Daddy during times like these? There is something to this. It plays a huge role in our ability to truly forgive a deep wound. Deep wounds must first be bound by the Healer, before they are free to extend forgiveness to another.

So say what you need to say.Cry, throw a fit; whatever. Confide in Him the way you would a very trustworthy and wise earthly father, with the assurance that He will not take sides and hold what you say against your husband, because He loves both of you perfectly and passionately.

Read Isaiah 61:1

You have a Daddy who is very interested in binding your wounds, healing your broken heart, and opening the doors of the prison from which you have been bound.

I fully intended to take the tree down when I got home from church. Well, the big one. I have others in various sizes.

Instead, I crawled into bed with a good book and read until my forty-something-year-old eyes glazed over and sleep overtook me. When I woke, I prayed, praised, and listened. And then...nothing. I didn't do anything. Actually, I went back to sleep, an unusual response for a major goal setter like myself.

After several days of doing nothing, I was humbly reminded that human productivity can easily get in the way of godly effectiveness. As my activity slowed, I became increasingly aware of what brings me joy. My husband's dimple when he smiles, the fact that after fourteen years together, he still makes me laugh. How much I enjoy cooking for my older sons when they visit, and reading with my ten-year-old at night.

At the moment, we're reading a book called The Wild Things. It's a novel based on the movie Where The Wild Things Are; full of adventure. With ornaments finally packed away, I arranged several pre-lit trees in our  family room around the stone fireplace; where all reading and marshmallow melting takes place.)

Tonight, next to a blazing fire, and in the midst of a home-made forrest, I'll replace the main charactor's name with my son's as I read aloud. I'll create memories that he will happily pass down to the next generation. And I will go to bed knowing that I was an effective Christian today, because I took the time to love someone and make them feel important.

As Christian women, it's important for us to understand that our effectiveness in the world extends from how effective we are in our own homes with our own families.

How effective are you in your home? Are you loving God's way?
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

If you're a survivor, you're first priority will be to seek God with all of your heart and allow Him to love you. Follow His lead and be willing to get professional help if needed. We can only give freely what we have freely received. Don't beat yourself up if you are knee deep in the healing process and overwhelmed by your family's needs.

Take one day at a time. Submit each day to God, and don't give up. The divine love that flows to you will oneday flow through you. I am living proof.

"Love suffers long and is kind: love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..."

Now I'll tell you what the enemy will whisper in your ear after reading that Scripture when you're in a slump: You don't love anymore. And I am convinced that is why Christian marriages fall apart at the same rate other marriages do. We buy into the belief that we have fallen out of love with our spouses. It's a lie. If you have Christ in your heart, you have Love in your heart. You're just temporarily lacking the power to express it.

As I was praying about what hinders us from expressing love, God reminded me of a scene in the movie When Harry Met Sally. Sally was deeply hurt by something Billy said and her way of coping was to ignore him, but he pursued her anyway with phone calls. This is the last message he left on her answering machine:

"The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe that (a) You're not home, (b) You're home, but don't want to talk to me, or (c) You're home, desperately want to talk to me, but you're trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please give me a call."

If you're not feeling in love with your spouse these days, it's not because love is not at home in your heart. If Christ is there, love is there. Perhaps your love is trapped under something heavy.

The light of God broke through and "un-slumped" me. He showed me that the love in my heart was trapped under a heavy memory of a past relapse and that He will heal me and set me free to love His way, just as He has a thousand times before.

I confessed, I cried, He comforted, and by the next day I felt so much love for my husband it was embarassing. It doesn't always happen that fast. There have been times when healing took more time than I wanted it to and we had to give our marriage permission to not look like we wanted for a season. The point is, let God love you and you will have something to give back.

Sadly, there are marriages that must end due to violence, repeated infidelity, or severe addiction, but even then, Love will not fail you. He will comfort you and direct your steps. Ten years ago, Michael and I had to separate due to drug addiction. We had a six-month-old baby and lived apart for almost two years before we could live (love) under the same roof again. 

Can you relate? If you can't express love God's way, it leads me to believe that (a) love is not yet at home in your heart, (b) love is home, but you're too stubborn to talk to God, or (c) love is in your heart, desperately wants to be expressed, but is trapped under something heavy. If it is either (a) or (c), please give God a call.

And now abide in faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13 NKJV)

Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. (1 John 4:15-16 NKJV)

*An Addendum: I am referring to the marriages that fall apart because when the going gets tough, one or both spouses decide to get going instead of stick together and allow God to work in and through them. I realize that there are many men and women who have loved and loved and loved, but must now separate for good reasons. My heart goes out to you. 

May I suggest a prayer?

"Father in heaven, I have faithfully been about your business. I ask you now to be about mine. As you heal my heart, please direct my steps. Help me continue to walk in an honoring and loving manner in the midst of trying times. In your strength, I will overcome and smile again. In Jesus' name, Amen."

I know from personal experience, how powerful this prayer is.

It's tempting to look at someone elses marriage and model yours by what you see. Don't be deceived. Even the people in designer suits have their share of struggles. I know men and women who have been clean and sober for years. I know more who seek God to the best of their ability and stumble on occasion. Relapses are a reality in the healing process that no one wants to talk about. I think it's a shame really, because if the only testimony of Grace that's presented from a platform is "Bless God, I never tripped over that particular sin again" how then, do we encourage the larger percentage of people in church who are seeking with all of their might but God bless them, they're still on the battle field.

We all want a flawless testimony. We may think that if we don't have one, God can't use us to better the world, or worse, we fear that we're not getting better. Take heart, the central theme in the Bible is God's use of the weak and inexperienced. If you're banged up or in over your head, you're in good company. The truth is, my testimony is always changing and growing. God adds to the story every day. It was never meant to be a trophy story that I take off the shelf and shine up for large gatherings.

My husband is a recovering addict and I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse. We live with scars, but not in bondage. We get up every morning and let God love us, ensuring that we have something to give back to one another. Except on the days when we don't. You'll have to forgive us, we are like sheep; prone to wonder.  And thank God, the Shepard comes looking for us when we do. That, my friend, is the recipe for "happily ever after."

I am learning to accept the frog and the prince in my husband. He knows that this princess can be a real pain in his backside. Let's face it ladies, some days we walk around with crooked tiaras and our dresses caught in our panties! It's a vision that hardly fits Hollywood's image of a fairy tale. Frogs, crooked crowns, designer bags made of the finest leather bulging with past hurts, addictions, and failures; all are under the loving authority of a sovereign God who is ready to redeem it all. Will we simply bow?

There is a difference between someone who is clearly in a healing process and trying to overcome an addiction and someone who has no intention of getting help, but manipulates you to remain hostage to something destructive.

When someone is truly yielded to the process of healing, they may have slips, but they also have accountability and a tangible plan accompanied by measureable milestones. Do you or your spouse have these things in place? If not, are you willing to seek professional instruction? Twelve-step programs and Celebrate Recovery programs are free if you cannot afford a licensed counselor. You can Google them and find one in your area.

Can a survivor of child sexual abuse and a recovering addict have a "normal" marriage? Well, I guess that depends on how you view the word normal. Webster's On-line Dictionary defines normal as:

1. Conforming with or constituting  a norm or standard or level or type

2. In accordance with law

If that's true, then I'm not sure where that leaves Michael and me. There are many ways to describe us, but that's not one of them. When we met, his uncle Jim suggested that whichever way Michael was going it would be best if I went the other. He was right at the time, but it didn't deter me from believing that God could heal us. 

We're living proof that He can redeem anything and anyone. It hasn't been an easy road, that's for sure, but we wouldn't choose another. I once believed that only a chosen few are gifted enough to experience life with a special needs person; whether the weakness is physical or emotional. I saw them as unique gifts from God.

But at age forty one, I'm convinced that we're all called to walk through life with these challenges; to be someone's unique gift from God, because lets face it, we're all handicapped in one way or another. There have been many times in my marriage to Michael when we both wished that we could make love without having to deal with the memories of past abuse. Other times, I've wished that we could go on a romantic date, and share a glass of wine together.

A friend of mine battles a chronic illness that limits her physical activity. Her husband is very athletic. They long to ride bikes or go hiking together. He goes to the gym alone and watches other couples work out. He wants a normal marriage.

No matter what our circumstances are, the temptation is to focus only on relationship limits. I met a beautiful young woman at a writer's conference, who due to an auto accident, is paralyzed from the waist down. In an instant, life with her husband changed forever. They're handicapped. But they get up every day and let God love them, ensuring that they have something to give back to each other. That my friend, is the closest thing to normal I aspire to be.  

In this life, we must learn to love one another and experience deep joy in spite of our weaknesses. God understands our frustrations. He doesn't become angry with us when we grow weary and begin longing for something "normal." Tell Him how you feel, let Him comfort you, and then get back to the embracing of the relationships in your life.

And remember, they're probably longing for you to be "normal" too!  

How about you? What does the enemy wave in your face to tempt you into believing that you are the only one in a relationship with handicaps? Will you consider embracing weakness with love?