My mom's dog, Bear, has mysteriously fallen ill. The doctors don't know the cause, so they don't know how to treat him. He's in emergency care as his throat continues to swell. We're major dog lovers, it's heartbreaking to watch. 

Last night was a long night. I couldn't stop thinking about Bear, the writer's conference I'll be attending this Thursday through Sunday that I don't feel prepared for, how many times I snapped at my husband earlier in the day, you, me, and why I refuse to drink more water even as my face continues to break out (at the age of forty-two). 

In my restlessness, I found myself wondering at 3:00 AM if God was thinking of me, you, and even Bear. I got out of bed and shuffled into my office where I had left my Bible. I opend it to Psalm 140:17-18:

"How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You."

What a comfort to be reminded that God is always thinking of me and you and sick pets. He sees us, He's thinking of us. He knows how we feel and cares how we feel. God feels for us.

I want answers, but for the moment there are none; none that I can see. As far as God has brought me over the years, I still have nights when I'm restless. Still have moments when it's hard to detach from the outcome. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's just part of the journey.

If you've ever rocked a restless baby, you know what I'm talking about. Some nights the baby drifts off to sleep and others he/she fusses all night. It's just life.

Bless you, sweet friend. If you've been restless, you can rest assured that you are being tenderly gazed upon. God is thinking of you.

My first spiritual mentor was a woman named Suzanne. She had a knack for redirecting me when I was sure that life doesn't get better for people with problems like mine. No matter how I looked at it, my life was dysfunctional from every angle. I tried to do the "next right thing" and seek the will of God to the best of my ability. I tried, but my life didnt' improve much in the beginning.

I remember getting angry with God. Didn't He see how hard I was trying? Didn't He care that I was a single mother with a baby who DID NOT SLEEP? I actually served my twelve and nine-year-old sons coffee before school. None of us were sleeping.

When I called Suzanne to tell her I was mad at God, she always replied, "It's okay to be mad at God. He's big and He can take it. Are you willing to believe He will bring you further than your current circumstances?" 

"I guess so. I mean, yes." Later I would pray:

"Thank you God for directing my steps. I believe You are leading me out of my current circumstances with each step. Bless my steps."

It was a slow process but looking back I can see that each time I allowed God to change my heart, that change was reflected in my everyday life. Ten years later, that's still the way it works for me.

Psalms 119: 105 is precious to me. "The Lord is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."

It reminds me that change starts with me, the very place I stand and expands to my future.

Where do you stand today? If you're in a tough circumstance, are you willing to believe God will bring you further? If yes, will you pray that prayer? If you're not. It's okay. God is big and He can handle whatever you need to say to Him. He always blesses an honest heart.

I would love to hear from you. If you want to ask me a question, but remain anonymous, just go to the contact page. You can skip the information box.

"Promise me you'll always remember:

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem,

and smarter than you think."

said Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

Ask God who you were created to be, then let Him show you. You won't get the answer over night. It will unfold in spite of your circumstances and when it is all said and done, whether or not the people around you ever become who they are created to be, you will be beautiful, free, healed, you. God is able to do more than we can ask for or imagine. Never stop hoping for yourself or the ones you love. Never. Place your hope in Christ, seek Him with all your heart, do what He leads you to do, and detach from outcomes.

Bless you.

Ten years ago, when my life was a 9-1-1 call, a beloved spiritual mentor gave me five daily goals:

1. Show up for life.

2. Seek God with all your heart, mind, and strength.

3. Tell the truth.

4. Be of service.

5. Detach from the outcome.

In my previous blog, I confessed that I allowed myself to get overwhelmed by life and should take better care of myself. But it's just life: within the last two weeks, the dryer quit drying, the refrigerator quit cooling, I had a fender bender in my new car, the dog had to go to the vet, and three rooms in our house lost electricity.

Okay, those aren't fun things to deal with, but I'm humbled by God's reminder of when:

• I didn't own a dryer and had to dry my panties in the oven on a cookie sheet (really).
• I referred to my truck as a "reservation special", which is what we Indians call transportation that's on its last leg.
• I couldn't afford a pet.
•  The temperature inside the house I rented as a single mother never dropped below 85 during the summer months.

I am not experiencing one crisis after another. I am experiencing life. And even with the not-so-fun things I have to take care of, it's a good life--a blessed life. So it's back to basics. "Thank you, God, for your perfect provision."

How about you? Are you overwhelmed by life stuff? Make time today to get still before the Lord. Let Him love you. I know from personal experience, things have a way of working out for those who love the Lord. If you're in a crisis, take a deep breath, ask God to direct your steps, and ask yourself: "Am I willing to believe that God will bring me further than my current circumstances?"

I remember when I  responded with an affirming, "Yes," several times a day.

Psalm 119: 105 "The Lord is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."

Last night I watched some of the OLD Saturday Night Live skits performed by Gilda Radner. I have such fond memories of rollerskating with my best friend and then staying up late to watch the show when I was a kid. Rosanne Rosannadanna was one of my favorites. For years I had forgotten that. I had thrown that precious part of my childhood in the same box of denial I placed the sexual abuse in. When I finally opened the box, I was able to see that though there were many hurtful circumstances I wouldn't choose to hang on to, I did find some good things worth keeping.

If you're facing something painful from your past and need a break from the tears that often accompany such a process, try remembering the television shows that made you laugh and watch them on You Tube. Perhaps you had a hobby that made you feel good about yourself; painting, gardening, dancing, or listening to music.

 I found a list of quotes by Gilda Radner. Here's the one I love best:

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."

                                              --Gilda Radner
                                                June 28, 1946-May 20, 1989

Thank you, Miss Gilda. You've been gone all these years and still you make me laugh and inspire me to live...not knowing all the answers.

Question: What made you laugh as a child? What made you cry?

First, He told her what He saw in her heart, but with no judgment. For He understood why she lived the way she did. He validated her.

Then He spent time telling her about living water, but I don't sense that her mind fully grasped what was spoken as much as her heart fully grasped the One who was speaking. Which is why I will go to my grave proclaiming that it is the unadulterated presence of God that transforms us. A genius I.Q. is not necessary. He comforted her.

After the woman was validated and comforted, she was so excited that she left her waterpot, went her way into the city, and said to the men, "Come see a Man who told me all things I ever did. Could this be the Christ?" Then they went out of the city and came to Him. (4:28-30) She left her waterpot! Did she even bother filling it up during the course of their conversation? It's not like she had a fridge full of bottled water at home. He equipped her.

Which set a restoration process in motion that would actively restore her honor. She said to the men, "Come and see..." And her story was so compelling that they went. She stirred up an entire city! He honored her.

Amazing! I've often wondered why we aren't given the name of the woman at the well. The longer I follow Jesus, the more inclined I am to believe that she remained nameless in order to represent the masses--you and me.

Exercise: Schedule some time ALONE with Jesus everyday and take an empty waterpot with you. Set it at His feet. Talk, don't talk. Cry, have a fit. Whatever you need to do. And then receive. Try to do this several times a week.

"What I tell you in the dark, speak in the day light; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roof-tops."
(Matthew 10:27)

Picture the ladder that leads to your roof-top. How long would your ladder be if each step represented an unhealed wound? Now consider how HIGH your ladder would be if each step represented healing and victory over those same wounds? It's the difference between an overwhelming view as you stare up a long ladder and a breath taking view from victory's standpoint.

I'm currently living my blog topic.
April 23rd

I'm in deep at the moment, which leaves me feeling disoriented and fatigued. God's calling me to go back and grieve something from the past that has nothing to do with sexual abuse. I know the journey well. I know that my willingness to follow Him up yet another painful step, will grant me more freedom and enlarge my awareness of His faithful love for me; but still, it's not an easy climb.

I do what I must each day...I'm a wife and a mother, but then I grant myself an early bedtime and quickly become a little girl, reaching for the only Daddy who can make it better.

Here's the reality of my initial response to facing yet another painful season of my childhood:
April 14th

I will be wise and abstain from alcohol during my season of grief expressed--a decision I made AFTER I drank a few beers with the wrong motive. I also bummed four cigarettes off of a friend. I'm one of those non-smokers who will smoke a few cigarettes once a year. (I prefer exercise to combat stress, but I'm nursing an injured foot and can't go to the gym).

April 15th

I've switched to Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup with crackers, and a glass of milk (my childhood comfort food). My husband graciously did the grocery shopping the other day and brought home a few cans of soup with pasta in princess shapes: crowns, castles, and slippers. If I'm home, I'm wearing mismatched pajamas. I look forward to the moment when I find myself on yet another roof-top, proclaiming what He has whispered to me in the dark.  Meanwhile, I'm so very grateful that I have people in my life who truly care for me and don't judge my initial responses to pain.

Question: Do you have someone in your life who will support you and not project their personal convictions onto you? Would you sit next to a hurting friend as she smokes a cigarette outside and cries, or would you wait for her inside; avoiding the smell of cigarette smoke and the possible judgement of being seen in such a scenario?

If you have been judged in the past for less than perfect responses to intense emotional pain, I want to personally tell you how sorry I am. If it were possible, I'd sit next to you while you smoked a cigarette or drank a beer; hoping that you would feel God reaching for you... through me.

I have a friend who once suggested that I list my feelings on paper and beside them, list all that I did that day. For example, serving someone, reading a book to my child, cooking dinner for my family, being productive at my workplace, etc.

That's where I learned that feelings aren't always facts. That's how I know that I can feel bad on a good day. "Thank you, God, for today."

What kind of day are you having? Regardless of how you're feeling, God sees you and He cares.

"Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me by Your generous Spirit." (Psalm 51:12)

"In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul." (Psalm 94:19)

When I place too many demands on myself, I slip into self-preservation mode and forget that God is the supplier of all my needs--nothing humble about that scenerio.

I'll be making some changes to my website over the next month, a process that has prompted me to review other websites to see what's out there--design-wise. This morning I visited the website of a woman who has been writing and speaking for over ten years. All I can say is, "Wow." My admiration quickly turned into narcissistic despair. Will I evolve like that? Do I have what it takes to do what she does? Will I ever be polished enough to speak in large venues?

A girl can only take so much of herself during moments like that, so off to the gym I went to take a step class. To appreciate why exercise would cheer me up, you need to know that I taught advanced aerobics for over ten years. So the odds were good that my self-confidence would be restored in less than one hour.   

The instructor introduced a combination with a lot of turns: 180's and pop-turns; all very confusing if you don't know the terminology. I found myslef holding back because I didn't want to make a mistake.

And then God ministered to me by prompting the instructor to yell, "Don't over-think it! Stop taking small steps with no energy because you're afraid of messing up. Take big steps with passion and don't be afraid. Besides, we learn more from the bigger mistakes and we're less likely to repeat them."

Thank you, Jesus. And forgive me, for forgetting that it's You who  empowers me to do new things and to take big steps with passion. The fact that I burned over 400 calories for the reminder is icing on the cake!

How about you? Are you facing new opportunities? Afraid that you're not good enough? Let's ask God to ready our hearts as we step out in faith and trust Him with the outcome. 

"A man's heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps." (or in this case, her steps) Proverbs 16:9 NKJV

Here's one of my favorite Proverbs:

"Listen to wise counsel and receive instruction, That you may be wise in your latter days. There are many plans in a man's heart, Nevertheless the Lord's counsel--that will stand." (19:20-21 NKJV)

This is how I apply it to my life:

First and foremost, I seek counsel in the Bible and through prayer. If I don't have peace or I'm conflicted in my decison making, I listen to the counsel of someone I trust and receive their instruction. To receive instruction doesn't necessarily mean that I must do what they suggest, but I commit to the prayerful consideration of it.

And in the end--the Lord's counsel stands. This is important because there was a time in my life when I received conflicting  counsel. One pastor gave me his blessing to leave my marriage and another reminded me of my wedding vows--both are godly men who I have a tremendous amount of respect for. I learned that in the end, the Lord's counsel stands. And that means, we do what He tells us to do. For me, it meant remaining in a marriage that at the time, no one would have judged me for leaving. God said, "Stay." Thank God, I didn't give up five minutes before the miracle. Today, I am a blessed wife.

How about you? Is this a new concept or one that needs to be developed in your walk with God?

If you're new at this, or if you're up to your eyeballs in a healing process, don't worry so much about making bad decisions. Pray, listen, seek wise counsel, pray again, and trust God with the outcome. He's faithful to make crooked paths straight when we screw up. Take it from a redeemed major-screwer-upper. God delights in our baby steps and blesses our sincere efforts to mature in Him.

I show up with a transparent heart, and trust that He is breaking through. I've learned over the years that how I'm feeling does not hinder His ability to love and accept me. I find that comforting.

I pray you, even though I don't know your names. I pray that you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are seen by God, and that the challenges you face matter a great deal to Him. I pray this in the mornings as I drive to work. I think of you often. I think of you often because the God I seek is always thinking of you and it's impossible to spend time with God and not be affected by what is important to Him.

You are precious and honored in His sight. Sometimes, due to worldly circumstances, it takes us a while to awaken to that truth. Please don't let the harmful act of another person rob you of the knowledge of who God created you to be before it all went so terribly wrong.

Ask Him who He created you to be and then seek Him with a transparent heart. Go to Him. You can even bring the angry and confused parts of your heart. All of you is always welcome. Never underestimate the power at work in a transparent heart before God. Express yourself and then sit silently.

Can you try it? If not, don't beat yourself up. You'll get there.Which part is hard for you? Confessing how you feel or sitting in silence? 

If you're not ready to speak, try journaling to God. Regarding silence, for years, my husband couldn't stand the quiet as a result of his past drug abuse. I'll never forget the day he came home from work and told me that he drove home without the radio on. Now he loves to spend time alone with God. Just start where you are. Where you are is always welcome in the presence of God. Always.

As I sat in silence, God revealed a facet of the cross I had never seen before.

When Christ was crucified, He not only paid the price for the sinful nature we were born with, He took on every sinful act that would ever be committed. That includes child sexual abuse. I was one survivor of many. He felt my abuse and everyone else's all at once.

As He hung on the cross, He became an innocent child and felt every slap, every intrusion, every terror. He became the woman whose husband left her and chose cocaine to be his wife. He knew broken dreams, disappointments, and failures. He was betrayed by a loved one. He became the parents who lost their child due to illness, abduction, or senseless murder. He was the boy who was never good enough in the eye's of his earthly father. Jesus felt every painful experience each one of us would go through on this earth.

The most brutal act of physical torture in history only reveals in part what Christ suffered for us. He knows the pain of waiting on God for promised transformation.

He bore the pain of the abused and the punishment of the abuser. There is nothing we go through that Jesus doesn't understand. I found comfort in that.

I believe recovery programs are so popular these days because we long for someone we can identify with when we're bleeding. I can't think of anyone better than Christ. My childhood passed through His wounded hands; there is hope for me. 

I'm not alone and neither are you...I knew that in His strength, I would get to the other side of my pain. I was in a relationship with Someone who knew my pain and my freedom long before I did. My weary soul found the rest it needed to go on in truth.

"If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." (John 8: 31-32 NKJV)

Christ gave me more than just the ability to get through that day. He lit the way for all my days.  

I don't know what you're circumstances are, but don't give up. Don't give up on God and the hope of promised transformation. You can and will get to the other side of your pain. It's the truth, His truth, that sets us free.

copyright 2009
The Jonah Chronicles

My grandparents on both sides of the family passed away years ago. I've missed them and I've missed simply being aware that I am a granddaughter. So there I sat in a room full of beautiful people, many who are grandparents.

I loved that I was comparitively small to their big conference room chairs. I loved that my feet didn't touch the floor. I loved that they are older and wiser than I. I can learn so much from them.

I felt like a kid again...only in a good way. During the toughest stage of healing, I endured many memories of child abuse, so feeling like a kid again wasn't much of a prize. But last Sunday, because I was willing to journey to a new place, I got a lovely reminder from God that I am still a granddaughter, and that to feel vulnerable in a safe enviroment raises a sword against the spirit of insecurity. And that's one of the many ways God will work in our lives if we will take the hooks out of our routines long enough to let Him bless us on unfamiliar roads.

They welcomed me to join their class...though I don't fully fit their class description (You can get a lot of mileage out of that statement if you'll take a few minutes and apply it to other aspects of Christianity).   

"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace." (Exodus 14:14 NKJV) 

What have you done recently to get out of your comfort zone or to extend a hand to someone as they stepped out of theirs? Maybe you had a moment similar to mine, but didn't recognize it at the time. Will you think back and ask God to reveal to you the practical ways He has fought for your freedom and then offer your thanks?

It's interesting how God works to fulfill our heart's desires. I spent the better part of last week caring for my father, who is now being treated for throat cancer. 

He and my mother divorced when I was seven years old; growing up I always saw more of my mom than my dad. I was sitting across from him during Chemo and he said,"I really like your shoes." This may sound silly, but in an instant I became a little girl being complemented by her Daddy--and it was healing.

The next morning I drove him to the hosipital. I have no memory of driving my dad anywhere as a teenager. I never had one of those classic teenage moments when the daughter is nervous behind the wheel and the dad is equally nervous by her driving. My dad lives out in the sticks so we had to leave before the sun came up. We were dealing with winding roads, fog, and my forty-something-year-old eyes.

We were both nervous. And just like that God made arrangements for the "teenage moment" I had not previously experienced--and it was healing. It amazes me that He's always looking for opportunities to minister love to the lonely places in my heart; places that I'm often unaware of.  

It never would have occurred to me to ask God for those circumstances. I couldn't identify the need, but the God who sees me could. Unfailing Love is always on the look out for me (and you). I'll see my father again in two weeks. Though I hate to see him suffer, I am blessed to have him back in my life and I know that he too, is healing. 

Are you so over-stimulated by modern technology that there is little awareness of the quiet ways God moves in your life each day? Will you take twenty minutes today and identify a time when perhaps He handed you flowers, but you didn't recognize it? It's never too late to take a moment to smell those flowers and extend your thanks.

I was twenty-eight years old when I had my first memory of the abuse. Like many adult survivors, I had mastered disassociation to the point of amnesia. To this day, I have very few pre adolescent memories and that's fine by me. I don't believe in "digging" into the past. I believe in following Jesus where He lovingly leads and if it requires the facing of a painful memory, that too, is fine by me. A new level of freedom awaits me on the other side.

I've said before, that the best question I've asked Jesus is, "Who are you and who was I supposed to be before thousands of unwanted touches?" (Click home to view a video of my testimony).

His answer revealed that freedom is multifaceted. When I finally became willing to follow Christ through my painful past, I not only discovered who He is, I discovered aspects of myself that were worth holding on to. Refusing to look back will leave a hole in your heart because certain aspects of "who you were supposed to be" will remain buried in your past.

When I was a little girl, I loved animals. I had a little dog that I adored and I even dreamed of becoming a veterinarian when I grew up. But as I grew, I forgot everything...the good and the bad. I was indifferent toward animals. My friends with pets would joke that I'm not a "dog person" and I would agree with them.

Two and a half years ago, I made one of my "routine mom calls" to my son to ask what he was up to, and he informed me that he was at a flee market buying a puppy. He had just moved out and I remember asking him, "What in the world are you going to do with a puppy?" "You don't need a puppy!"

He bought a black Lab who was taken off of her mother's milk too soon. She was only four weeks old. He couldn't handle her and I offered to take care of her around the clock until she was eight-weeks-old, at such time he would take her home.

I got up with her every few hours night after night. I held her, I rocked her, I sang to her...I fell in love with her. And the day my son took her home, my heart splintered. I cried and she cried as she tried to run back to me.

I went into the house, sat in my bedroom closet, and cried so violently that it became clear to me that my grief was not limited to the loss of Jasmine. It was the grief I could never quiet get to in spite of the counselor's instruction to cry over the loss of a little girl's innocence.

Consider this; I have some memory of the abuse, but to this day, I do not remember the "day" my innocence was first taken.
Counselors will tell you that you must grieve to heal and I agree. But can we heal from what we can't remember? I believe I did.

I believe that God allowed circumstances that would awaken ancient grief, knowing that I trusted Him enough to cry out to Him in the midst of something precious being taken away. I know it sounds dramatic, but it really happened this way.

And that is the nature of God. He guarded my mind from a picture of that day with the shadow of His merciful hand. His grace called forth hidden grief, knowing that Light would bring justice to that dark place.

Two weeks later my son brought the puppy back. "Here, she clearly wants to be with you." And I received her with open arms, this time to keep.

Thank you God, for reminding me that I was created to love animals. Especially dogs! You took from me, pain I didn't realize I still carried, and You returned to me, a piece of myself that I didn't even know was missing.

"To console those who mourn, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified." (Isaiah 61:3)

 Are you willing to go where He lovingly leads and that He has your best interest at heart?

"Father in heaven, I thank You that none of us go unseen in your eyes. We matter to You. "It" matters to You. Hide us under your wing until we can smile again. Some of us can't stop crying, others don't know how to start.

Quiet the emotions of those distraught and create a great stirring in those who are numb. Give us the strength to return to You with our whole hearts, and deliver us from the belief that it must happen all at once.

Uphold our baby steps in grace and cover our mistakes in mercy. The world is a dangerous place for a girl. Reveal the refuge in being your daughter.

In Jesus' name, Amen."

 Do you believe that God cares about what happened and how it has affected you? Why or why not? Consider journaling your answers to Him and then sharing them with a trusted friend or counselor who will pray with you.

Hi ladies! I haven't forgotten you. I think of you and pray on your behalf often! I am in the midst of updating this page so that you can click on a specific topic and then choose the story that applies. This will make it easier; you will no longer have to scroll through all blogs to find the ones that you can relate to.

Meanwhile, be kind to yourself and keep seeking God. Seekers find. And He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.

I should be updated next week and ready to blog again. Upcoming title: A funny thing happened on the way to forgiving. 

Funny...unusual, not funny "ha-ha." We'll get to those too!