1 Corinthians 10: 23 says "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive. (NIV) New King James says, all things are lawful, but not all things edify.

In keeping with the context of this scripture, we must be willing to think outside of just ourselves. As Christians, our choices should edify the body of Christ. As wives, our choices should edify us, our spouses, and our families. But how does this unfold in everyday life?

For me, it means that when opportunities arise, I must consider how my repsonses to those opportunities will effect others. I recently received an invitation to a party. It sounds like fun. And I could use some fun. But the reality is, between preparing for a writer's conference, caring for a sick child, updating my website, creating a One Sheet for my CPA, and giving my best in my day job as a Clinical Massage Therapist, I'm physically exhausted.

What would benefit me the most right now is physical rest. While attending a fun party sounds . . . well, fun, the truth is, I don't have the physical energy. So, though it's permissible, it would not be beneficial. An exhausted woman is no good to anyone. Not her husband, not her family, and not the women she is passionate about encouraging everyday. So, after careful consideration of my party invitation; regrets it is.

If I were simply emotionally exhausted, it would better benefit me, my husband, my family, and you, precious readers, to attend a fun party and re-charge. And that's how it works for me.

How about you? Do you pause to consider if what you're considering, though permissible, is beneficial?

Several years ago, when my husband was my boyfriend, and still struggling to stay clean; a moment of clarity revealed how  much I had allowed my life to revolve around whether or not he was using drugs.

One afternoon he was lying on his side as we were talking, and I happened to notice a lighter hanging half-way out of his pocket. He had a sponsor in a twelve-step program at the time and when I asked if he had relapsed, he assured me that he was clean and that he hadn't worn that particular pair of jeans in a few months, and that the lighter must have already been there. Yeah right. 

"Wendy, I promise I haven't used any drugs. I'll make an appointment with my doctor for a drug screen and prove it to you." Ordinarily I would have agreed but unbeknownst to me, my heart was changing and God used that day to reveal a baby step to both of us. "You know what?, Take a test, don't take a test. I don't care. It would've been just like me to ask you to take it and then put my life on hold as I waited for the results. Can I be happy or not? I realize now that the peace I want can't come from getting to the bottom of whether or not you used. The fact that we're even having this conversation is what keeps me in turmoil."

Did I really mean what I said? I did the best I could to keep my eyes on God and my own business. It still took a few years before my baby steps matured into a belief that could stand firm. It's interesting that when I changed, a new path for our relationship was created.

The "management" of another person's recovery process is just one of the many ways we fuel the cycle of insanity. Today, my joy in the Lord does not hinge on my husband's sobriety. However, he and I both agree that the season of living day in and day out around addiction is over. Christ is the center, from which healthy boundaries are received. and to whom trust in the outcome is given.  

Will you prayerfully consider that your emotional attachment and efforts to manage another person's life is a hindrance to the healing process?Identify one or two practical ways to let go and detach with love.

Several years ago I had a habit of enabling my boyfriend (now  clean and sober husband's) drug addiction. Though I couldn't see it at the time. I was just trying to "help." Help him get off drugs--and stay off drugs. Help him keep his apartment clean. Help him wake up on time so he wouldn't be late for work. Help him become the man I needed him to be. 

One day his sponsor said to me, "Michael would find God a lot faster if you and his grandmother would get out of the way and let him hit rock bottom."

He was right.

It turns out, when I got out of the way, we both hit bottom and found God. Over the years, God has transformed us into who He created us to be: Effective for Christ, of sound mind, healed, and happily married.

Is it time for you to get out of the way and let God be God in the life of a loved one? Perhaps your own life?

The previous list of rationalizations in Part 2 are in bold text; followed by solutions:

1. He/she needs money to eat or possibly be out on the street if I don't help. A jar of peanut butter, a loaf of bread, a gallon of water, and a cab ride to the nearest shelter or rehab. If he/she is making a real effort to stay clean and you want to help pay the rent or a bill, do not give money. Make your check payable to the landlord or bill collector. And do not make a habit of it or he/she will make a habit out of using you to pay bills.
2. He/She has never stolen from me before. Never say never. Most recovering addicts confess that as the disease progresses they find themselves doing things they never thought they would do. The shame is overwhelming. Good boundaries protect you from regret and him/her from feelings of guilt in the long run.
3. I can help him/her detox. It's a full-time job. Depending on the addiction, blood pressure may need to be monitored, etc. Detoxification from I.V. drugs can be dangerous. Most addicts get off of the hard stuff by "chipping"; they use a little each day to minimize the withdrawals, which means you now have an illegal substance in your home. The potential for an angry outburst is sky-high. And they usually go back out anyway; after they have sucked the life out of you. I know a man who once allowed men to detox in his home. He just wanted to help. It didn't take long for him to realize that he was in over his head. Now he lovingly says, "I'll pray for you and take your detox'n butt to a clinic!"
4. He has no place to sleep at night. (or) He doesn't have a way to get to work without my car. Get to a computer and Google the nearest shelter in your city. Donate a bicycle. If you're in a big city, help with bus fare until they get their first pay check.
5. I pushed him/her too hard when I lost my temper. I'm at least partly responsible for the relapse. You are responsible for you. He/she is responsible for himself/herself. Period. If you squeeze a lemon, the result is lemon juice. Life is going to squeeze you, no matter who you are. What comes out of you (your reaction to being squeezed), belongs to you. *If an addict realizes that they can make you feel guilty when they use, he/she will never take responsibility for their behavior and they will use you as an excuse to relapse. They start arguments, you lose your temper, they leave angry, and the rest is history. It's a tragic game because the losses are real and too often our children are the victims.
6. He/She seems so sincere this time. He/She went to church and/or a twelve-step meeting and got someones phone number to call for help. It's okay to live together now. Time will tell, so give it time. I would say ninety days. Are they truly accountable to the person who offered to help? Most sponsors request that you call them several times a week and attend meetings early in recovery. What are the household chores? It's time to divide them up. The person in recovery should have responsibilities: all twelve-step and celebrate recovery programs agree on this one. *It's not unusual for a recovering addict to dismiss their accountability once they have been clean for a while. I don't believe my husband did it intentionally; he was deceived into believing that it was no longer necessary for him to live a recovered life--and so was I. A belief that once brought perpetual heartache to our family.
7. "If you use drugs or take another drink the relationship is over and/or you must move out." Tell the truth. We cannot overcome what we deny. The first five years of my relationship with my husband consisted of the following routine: we lived together, he relapsed and moved out for a while; he cleaned up and moved back in, relapsed, moved back out, in...out...over and over. I would call my sponsor and rattle off the usual post-move-out statement: "I refuse to be in a relationship with an addict." Then I came face to face with the truth, I was willing. I just wasn't willing to live with him while he was using. Ouch. The reality of my life hit me like a ton of bricks. He wasn't ready to recover and I consistently compromised the quality of my life and the lives of my children. He wasn't gong to "lose" me if he remained active in his addiction. The break-ups weren't even break-ups. They were extended drug-runs. I'll say it again: We cannot overcome what we deny. Confession precedes healing. It was a real turning point for me to kneel before God with the truth. God, I need to make better choices. I want to want to. I'm letting my children down. I'm letting me down. I hate the truth about me; how weak I am. Please help me.
8. I am a Christian and the Bible says that my husband is the leader of our home. When Jesus fasted forty days, Satan tempted Him to take action outside of God's will, and he used scripture to do it.Today he quotes scripture to co-dependents; tempting them to enable their drug/alcohol addicted loved ones. His motive is to steal, kill, and destroy your family. We must learn to resist those attacks the same way Christ did; by responding with the written Word.

Examples:

 "A servant will not be corrected by mere words; for though he understands, he will not respond.(Proverbs 29:19 NKJV)

*For parents: "He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly."(Proverbs 13:24 NKJV)

A boundary should never be set from a place of fear or as an attempt to control. Communication of boundaries should be respectful, loving, and yes, tough; containing three elements:

• They should honor you, the boundary setter. (Be firm, but kind.)
• They should honor the person battling addiction. Making him/her responsible for his/her choices is honoring. He/she may not respond honorably, but you can stand before God and know that you addressed him/her as an adult, not a small child.
• Boundaries should always honor God. That means you are clear on what your roll is. You no longer do for the addict what he/she should be doing for him/herself. Trust God with the outcome.

"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do so."(Proverbs 3:27 NKJV)

Will you prayerfully consider that when an addict is showing no signs of willingness to get help that the "help" (usually money, shelter, transportation) that they expect from you is not due?

        9. Just this one time. Today he/she seems like the person I fell in love with.The most tender-hearted, otherwise committed people I know are capable of unspeakable actions while under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Relapses are heart wrenching--it's a reality, but they shouldn't be a threat to your health. If your loved one is heavily addicted and disappears for long periods of time, unaccounted for, save yourself the worry, humiliation, and expense that accompanies the potential health problems. If you won't guard your heart, at least protect your body. Do not have unprotected sex until he has been clean for six months and has tested negative for STD's.

          10. I know he/she loves the children and would never harm them.Get a sitter. Always. The one you love would never place the children in harms way, but you're not leaving them with that person. You're leaving them with drugs and alcohol. A bottle of vodka or a bag of dope cares nothing of your children's safety. Six months clean and sober is a good rule of thumb for when it's okay to leave the children in his/her care. Court supervision is available in extreme circumstances, but I know plenty of recovering addicts who have trusted friends and family supervise until they are steady in recovery. When Michael and I were separated, he used to visit our youngest son at his grandmother's house.

In closing I want to tell you how truly sorry I am for what you're going through. I know how you feel. It's not an easy road. I want to promise you that healing will come quickly. I want to, but I can't. I can however, promise that if you cry out to the Savior, He will come quickly. Place one hand in His and He'll place your feet on the road to freedom. He'll put people in your life to support you along the way, but they can't do it for you. I encourage you to identify the places you most need good boundaries and ask God to reveal why you resist them. When I pray that prayer He often reveals the wounds in my heart that keep me from taking better care of myself. Let the Great Physician perform a miracle in your heart. Circumstances have a way of changing when we change--by first letting Him love us.

Daily Affirmation:

I have the courage to compassionatley detach from _____________ when necessary and trust God with the outcome.

The boundaries listed in Part 1 are in bold text, followed by the excuses I once used to break them.

1. Never give or loan money to a an alcohol/drug addicted person. (Do not co-sign for a loan.) He/she needs money to eat. He/She will be out on the street if I don't provide shelter.
2. Never leave him/her alone with anything valuable enough to pawn, leading back to #1: Never give or loan money to an addict. He/She has never stolen from me before.
3. Never allow an addict to detox in your home. I can take care of him/her (which makes me feel needed) and at least I'll know where he/she is (which makes me feel in control).
4. Never give an addict the key to your home or loan them your car. He/She has no place to sleep at night. He/She promised to be careful with the car and not to be gone too long.
5. Never blame yourself for the natural consequences that accompany the choices they made when using. Stop bailing them out. It only leads to enabling, and neither of you learn or change. If I hadn't lost my temper or pushed him/her too hard, maybe he/she wouldn't have relapsed. It's partly my fault.
6. Never live with an addict who has zero responsibilities and zero accountability. Never live with an addict who has zero responsibilities and zero accountability. (It's worth repeating.) He/She seems so sincere. Maybe this time will be different. He/She went to church and/or a twelve-step meeting and got a phone number from someone who is willing to help.
7. Never attempt control with empty threats. Say what you mean and mean what you say. "If you take another drink or use another drug you must move out."
8. Never give control over the finances to a spouse who is using drugs or abusing alcohol.  I am a Christian woman and the Bible says that my husband is the leader of our home. I will be outside of God's will if I take over temporarily.
9. Never have unprotected sex with a person using I.V. drugs or if you suspect infidelity in your marriage. Just this one time. Today, he/she seems like the man/woman I fell in love with. He/She would never share a needle.
10. Never, under any circumstances, leave children alone with an active alcoholic/addict. I know how much he/she loves the children. It's okay to run a quick errand.

And there you have it. My thinking seemed so rational at the time. Looking back, I can see how it always made things worse. My husband (then boyfriend) grew worse, I became increasingly unstable, and my poor children were left without a vote every time I led them deeper into our family dysfunction.

If you can identify with my old way of thinking, take heart, Christ can renew your mind. He did mine. But I had to first confess my weakness and become willing to do something different. And like everything else, it's a process.

Part 3: Ten Tough Loving Solutions, will be posted at the end of this week. Meanwhile, please review Parts 1 and 2. Are you willing to do something different and begin trusting God with the outcome?

You may think like I once did, that your loved one needs an environment away from all the bad influences to make progress. But as family members, we're often blinded to the fact that by not setting boundaries we contribute to that negative influence.

On one side of the track is the physical momentum needed to fuel an addiction, (drugs). And on the other side is the emotional momentum needed to fuel the disease, (co-dependency). You are not responsible for his/her addiction. You are not responsible for his/her actions. However, you are responsible for your re-actions.

Think of a baseball game. The pitcher can throw balls all day, but there can't be a game without a batter. A similar dynamic occurs in drug addiction and co-dependency. Your role is to stop swinging at the ball that leads to destruction and despair for you and any children you may have. There is no guarantee that your loved one will get clean and sober, but you can stop the insanity of doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.

Today I am providing you with a list of boundaries that will keep a bad situation from getting worse. I encourage you to print it out and circle the ones that you desperately need to consider practicing. And then find someone who will support you as you implement your boundaries.

1. Never give or loan money to an alcohol or drug addicted person.
2. Never leave him/her alone with anything valuable enough to pawn, leading us back to number one: Never give money to an alcohol or drug addicted person.
3. Never allow him/her to detox in your home.
4. Never loan him/her your car, a key to your house, or co-sign for a loan of any kind.
5. Never blame yourself for the natural consequences that accompany the choices he/she made while addicted. Stop bailing him/her out. It only leads to enabling, and neither of you learn or change.
6. Never live with an alcoholic or addict who has zero responsibilities and zero accountability.  Never live with an alcoholic or addict who has zero responsibilities and zero accountability. (It's worth repeating).
7. Never attempt control with empty threats. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
8. Never give to a spouse who is using drugs, control over the finances.
9. Never have unprotected sex with someone who is using I.V. drugs or if you suspect your addicted spouse is unfaithful.
10. Never, under any circumstances, leave your children alone with an active alcoholic or addict.

Okay ladies. Please review the list and get honest about what needs to change and how you can take one step in a direction that supports healing instead of more confusion and pain. If you have a specific question about one of the boundaries listed, go to the contact page and send it in. 

"Father in heaven, thank you that none of us go unseen in your eyes. Only you can change a heart and redeem a relationship. Help us get out of the way and begin to rely on your faithfulness to those who are lost. And that includes addicts and co-dependents."

Celebrate Recovery and Alcoholics Anonymous are both helpful in providing the support you will most certainly need to maintain good boundaries. You can Google either group to locate meetings in your area. And I would like to add that if you happen to be the addict pitching the balls, they offer help for you too. God bless you. My husband and I are living proof that we can and do heal.

Don't miss out on the chance to join Diane Viere and Allison Bottke teach you how to take your life back and find sanity. If you have an adult child causing chaos and turmoil in your life, this is the program for you.

Please visit, www.settingboundaries.com/online-support-groups

Fall session: start September 14, 2009

Group Leaders: Diane Viere and Allison Bottke

Twelve weeks starting: Monday, September 14 and ending Monday, November 30

Time/Day: Every Monday from 6:30-8:30 PM Central Time

Method: Live Streaming Video, audio, Power Point Presentations

About Allison Bottke

"Writing from firsthand experience, Allison Bottke identifies the lies that kept her, and ultimately her adult son in bondage--and how she overcame them.

Additional real life stories from other parents are woven through her text. Most important...six concrete steps to hope and healing are the key elements to her landmark book Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children."

I was first introduced to the word codependency in 1997. A woman I had recently met, who had me pegged from the beginning, suggested that I read a book titled Codependent No More. I thanked her and assured her that I was not codependent.

Besides, I didn't have time to read books. I was busy single-mothering two young boys and enabling my drug-addicted prince charming. Remember Dorothy's famous quote in the 1996 movie Jerry Maguire?  "I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is." That was me.

I don't remember having the conscious thought that I could "save" him, but my actions declared it from the roof top. You see, I had a dream, and my prince charming had a part in that dream. It didn't matter to me that he was clearly unwilling to fulfill the role of clean, sober, and honorable man. And the irony is that every time I bailed him out of the natural consequences that should follow irresponsible behavior; I emasculated him--not very honoring of me, huh? Every time I refused to let go and trust God with the outcome, I scorned the God who promises never to leave or forsake us. What did I think? That if I "detached with love," God would appear to him and say, "Sorry dude, I'm with her. You're on your own now."

It's a tragic expression of human arrogance . . .

I spent the first four years of my relationship with my husband, Michael (then troubled prince charming), trying to make him fit into my life. We had just separated due to his drug addiction, and he had stopped by to visit our six-month-old baby and my two sons. I followed him outside as he was leaving, and he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I love you, Wendy. But I can't do right by you and these children."

The truth--now that's honorable. But it wasn't what I wanted to hear. So instead of receiving the truth, letting him go, and running to God with a broken heart, I replied, "Oh, hell no . . . you helped me make this baby and you're going to clean up and help me raise him!" And I wasn't taking no for an answer.

Never mind that every day for the next six months he showed me no. By that time, even if he had been transformed into a prince, he wouldn't have come home to a princess. Because I resembled the wicked step-sister trying to force Cinderella's glass slipper on her foot. "I'll make it fit!" Forcing something to fit comes with a price. It will cost you the very thing you were created by God to desire--to love and be loved.

Beloved, only God can change a heart and redeem a heart breaking reality. But you gotta trust Him . . .

I recently met with our family counselor regarding my teenage son. Most young adults today have a sense of entitlement that I didn't have at that age. This is a generation that wants it now, and they don't want to work too hard to obtain it.

My son is about to graduate from high school, but isn't interested in attending college in the fall. That's okay with me. It's not unusual for some to take a year off before continuing their education. What's not okay with me is him working part-time after high school, while living at home and enjoying the comforts provided by his full-time working parents--which led me to Jerry's office.

And this is what he said:

Authentic love always meets the greatest need of a person. As humans, our greatest need, first and foremost, is salvation, so God sent His son. If a small child comes home from school crying because another child bullied him, his greatest need is a cookie, a hug, and encouragement. If the next day that same child deliberately disobeys you, his greatest need becomes discipline; maybe a time-out or swat on the behind.

Love served the same child, but with opposite methods. Ahhh, but the motive behind each method was the same: to meet the greatest need. This applies to all age groups.

I love my teenage son with all of my heart. I want him to be successful. I want to help him be successful, but he has a role to play in the measure of his success. Without going into detail-sharing that he would not appreciate, I can see that his greatest need is a dose of reality. So ninety days after graduation, he must get a place of his own for six months. If at the end of that time he chooses to be a full-time student, he is welcome to return home. And the rent is the rules.

If not, then not. I will still love him. I'll look forward to when he comes over for dinner and happily shower him with house warming gifts. But I will not raise a man-child. He may hate me for a little while, but his future wife will love me for it.  

I will allow love to meet my son's greatest need instead of manipulating him into my greatest plans for him. I've already learned from his older brother that there will be suffering involved for the both of us. But I also know that the gap between what you pray for and what simply isn't, closes in a lot faster when we get out of the way and let God be God.

Michael and I were separated for two years before God brought us back together. The first year we were idiots. The second year we got counseling from Jerry, and eventually began dating. Now we're in our fourteenth year together and the "baby" just turned ten. Is our marriage perfect? Nope. But love reigns supreme through submission to God and human accountability--proving that oil and water can live together.

I encourage you to take some time and prayerfully consider what your greatest need is. Once you identify it, write it down.

Are you trying to make something fit? Something that no longer fits, or perhaps never did?

What is your loved ones greatest need? Whatever it is, you can't force the meeting of that need. You can only lovingly, respectfully, get out of the way, and let God be God.

After you have written your answers down, go find a pair of shoes that no longer fit; maybe never did. Almost all women own said pair of shoes. Fold your paper and tuck it in one of those shoes. Every time you cry or pray or both to God, I want you to hold that shoe in your hand and place it at His feet. Then wait for the still small voice of God to rise up in your heart.

And now is the part you CAN do something about:

Map out what trusting God with someone you love will look like on a daily basis; be specific. Here are some examples:

• Professional counseling for support through tough decision making
• Be accountable to someone once you have identified the action you need to take (no backing out at the last minute--follow through, lovingly)
• Daily prayer
• Journal
• Quote specific Scripture to build up your spirit 

If you're overwhelmed, don't feel badly about it. I've introduced a lot of information. Your list doesn't have to be big to make a big impact for good. You can start by changing just one thing at a time. In 1997, I was so depressed that my mentor helped me make a list and I agreed to be accountable to her for the following:

1. Get out of bed each morning and show up for life.
2. Make your bed.
3. Open your window blinds.
4. Eat at least once today.
5. Stay out of your bedroom until bedtime
6. No more naps
7. Be accountable for 1-6

Countless miles of baby steps have led me up to creating this blog for you. You're not alone, and you can and will do this. And by the way, I'm praying for you.