Last Friday I attended the Women of Faith Conference in Dallas, TX. Phenomenal. Amazing speakers. Speakers who challenged me to continue to "mature in my faith" (code for grow up and die to self). In addition to each speaker presentation they reserved time to answer a few questions previously submitted by attendees.

One woman asked, "Will I always struggle with my addiction?"

Patsy Clairmont's answer took me by surprise. I wish I could remember what she said word for word, because it wasn't what I describe as a "typical ministry answer." "Typical ministry answers," in my opinion, don't allow for the all-too-human varying degrees of healing. It can take years for a person to "get to the root of an addiction" and years to "take the axe to the root of it." Sadly, we as a church, tend to showcase ONLY the testimonies of those who've healed quickly, never to drink or use drugs again.

What about the larger percentage of people who don't overcome their addictions in a single prayer-filled bound? Their stories are no less relevant for the cause of Christ. If you've invited Him into your story--your story is relevant.

Relapses are a reality. We must be careful not to minimize the redemptive work in a recovering person's heart. This is where Patsy's answer comes into to play:

"Sometimes healing from addiction takes a long time. If you can, try to at least upgrade your addiction." (The American Airlines Center filled with laughter!)

Then she shared a story about a loved one who once drank booze all day long. When he finally stopped drinking booze, he switched to diet Pepsi. She said he drank it by the gallons. But Pepsi never got him drunk, so it was an improvement. He'd upgraded his addiction. 

I love this! My beloved husband, who's been drug and alcohol free for years now, still leans toward an addictive personality. Thankfully, now it's exercise, healthy food choices, and being a great leader and husband. I never thought in a million years, I'd say to him, "Can we please not talk about body fat percentages until I've had my coffee?!"

The Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous tells a story about a man who drank for years. When he got sober, he drank coffee by the gallon and chain smoked. His wife made a big deal about this not being good for him, and when he'd had all he could stand of her lectures, he got drunk. He re-established his sobriety date and of course, took responsibility for his relapse. (No one MAKES anyone drink.) But his wife lightened up after that, appreciated how far he'd come and gave him space to be himself as God continued to work mightily in his heart (and his family.)

My point is, I bet the woman who asked that question felt like a failure because she still struggled with her addiction. Patsy ministered to her right where she was. When humor and human reality intersect with hope in Christ, we give others room to breath.

How about you? If you struggle with an addiction, do you beat yourself up for not healing as fast as others? Perhaps you have a loved one who's on the journey to recovery and healing. Do you pressure them to walk a line that overwhelms them, and is therefore, counterproductive to sobriety?

A tip for you, based on personal experience: If there are measurable milestones that confirm a loved ones progress, put your measuring stick away and repeat after me: Progress, not perfection.

I'm not a licensed counselor. I'm a woman who's been there and done that. Based on my personal experience, I suggest that he have at least two years of sobriety, coupled with consistent responsibilities and accountability before you move forward in your relationship. There should be measurable milestones of emotional and spiritual maturity.

Recovery is not an event. It's a lifelong committment. Relapses are a reality. It's not enough to concede that it's going to be challenging. You should be fully aware of what makes it challenging.

Not all alcoholics drink and drive. Five times that you know of, your love interest disregarded the safety of others and got behind the wheel. A pattern that should not be minimized by a woman with three children.

It takes time to heal from addiction. The most loving thing you can do is allow him to focus on getting better and staying better. With less than a year sober, you could easily  become his new addiction. And when the thrill of you wears off, there is always potential for relapse. Sponsors in Alcoholics Anonymous discourage romantic relationships for the first year of sobriety.

I realize this is probably not what you want to hear. He probably has some really wonderful attributes. None of us have so much baggage that we are undeserving of love. You're not wrong if you love him. But because your first responsibility is to maintain a stable and healthy environment for you and your children, the timing in loving him from anything but afar may be wrong.

Based on what you've told me, he's not been stable for any real length of time. Regarding his financial hardship: DWI's in the state of Texas are costly. Should your relationship become permanent, you will shoulder an enormous amount of debt derived from his previous addiction. These are things he should resolve before pursuing a relationship with a woman who has three children to provide for.

Pray for your friend. Celebrate his recovery. But hold off on anything romantic if you can. Time will reveal whether or not he will remain sober. So wait, and literally see if he's going to become all that God created him to be.

In my book, The Jonah Chronicles, I share what my husband and I went through as he recovered from drug addiction; the effects it had on our children--it's all in there. It's something to consider. And should you decide to move forward, move forward with your eyes wide open.

God bless you, your children, and your friend, as he braves his way into a new way of life.

Last Tuesday, I posted an excerpt from Saddled by Susan Richards. Sitting in an A.A. meeting, she notices that most of the attendees are capable of doing something all human beings are created to do, but evaded her all her life--feel. She comments, "The men and women didn't sound numb anymore. They were angry and scared and depressed. They were also hopeful and funny and grateful . . . The word that came to mind was whole. After years of shutting down all parts of themselves with alcohol, they were finally whole human beings."

Today, I address the other side of the "drinking coin." Drinking to feel. This was big for me. I remember well, the struggle to experience grief as I attended therapy for survivors of sexual abuse. I couldn't cry; couldn't grieve. Even as I abstained from alcohol, I was numb.

And one evening after group therapy, after all the reality I could stand, I drove to the liquor store. I drank, and for the first time in a long time, I felt. I felt overwhelming sadness. Ancient tears streamed down my cheeks and with those tears came relief. It felt good to cry. The only problem was, I couldn't cry without alcohol. I was incapable of letting my guard down without a few drinks.

I did what I always encourage you to do. I told God everything. Over and over, until one day I realized that I didn't need alcohol to cry anymore. It was safe to feel sad in the presence of a God who never once judged me or told me to go away and come back when I didn't smell of vodka.

He loved me then, just as I was. He loves me now, just as I am. I focused on Him and sought after Him with all my fears and all my flaws. He made me whole. He awakened me to how wonderful it is to feel angry or sad or embarrassed and it not be attached to the memories of abuse. He freed me to feel. He transformed me into a whole human being.

The man-made ways to feel or not feelinclude everything from shoes to Chardonnay. So if alcohol abuse/addiction doesn't apply to you, what does? Do you shop to feel? Eat? Starve yourself? Exercise compulsively? Spend hours on Facebook?

How do you attempt to numb or feel? Focus on the One who does not condemn you. Focus on the One who loves you now, just as you are, whose love will bring liberty from the ways you cope. Whose love will make you whole.

Not long ago, I was browsing through a bookstore and noticed the memoir Saddled, by Susan Richards. I love horses, so the beautiful horse on the cover inspired me to peek inside the book. "This is a story for anyone who has ever loved an animal enough to keep on living." [excerpt]

I love animals! Sold!--to the woman who loves animals! Memoirs fascinate me. Reading a memoir is the closest you'll ever get to walking in someone else's shoes. And the best ones offer words that inspire you to get on with walking to freedom in your own shoes.

It turns out, Richards is a re-covering alcoholic with a beautiful horse named Georgia. Goergia becomes her inspiration to continue to place  her feet on the floor each morning and show up for life. (I love how God uses animals to heal ancient pain.)Today, I'm sharing an excerpt from Saddled. Here, Susan is invited to an A.A. meeting after achieving one year of sobriety by herslef. If you battle alcohol abuse/addiction, I encourage you to read, read, read this book.

"I didn't know that becoming sober meant really changing. Not drinking was the least of it. It was the rest of me that was the problem, the part that wanted to stay numb. The men and women in that room didn't sound numb anymore. They were angry and scared and depressed. They were also hopeful and funny and grateful. They were all over the place. The word that came to mind was whole. After years of shutting down all or parts of themselves with alcohol, they were finally whole human beings.

I sat in a corner with my arms crossed and my mouth shut and listened to what whole human beings sounded like. Evidently being human was a messy business. Not a single person said Everything's fine -- my stock response since I was a child to any question about my state of mind. It had never been true, but that didn't keep me from repeating it for the next twenty years. I thought that's what you were supposed to say. I thought that's what you were supposed to feel. Anything else meant you were a complainer or worse -- a bad person, a wrong person, and wrong was just a code for crazy. I didn't want to be bad or crazy because I was already on shaky ground in the wantable department. So the sweet smiley girl became the sweet smiley woman who drank liquor to help keep the lid on anything that didn't reflect how fine she felt one hundred percent of the time. Never mind the on-and-off suicide fantasies going back to the fourth grade. Doesn't everybody have those? I was fine. " [end excerpt] Copyright 2010 by Susan Richards